Wilson: A Ph.D.?! Tim? Aw, Jill, Jill, Jill, Jill... Do you realize how many hours I had to study to get my doctorate in forgotten languages and extinct cultures? Oh, my, my, my. Sitting in that library, reading that insufferable microfilm till I thought I would practically go blind? Not to mention that to support myself, I had to volunteer as a subject for lab experiments. Oh, oh. And the thing that really irritates me about this whole thing...
Jill: Wilson!
Wilson: Oh, Jill, Jill, talk me down, talk me down.

Tim: Todd from Toledo writes, "Dear Tim, when I heard you were getting a Ph.D., three words came to mind - Why not Al?"
Al: Thanks, Todd.
Tim: "He's the one who works his tail off day in, day out. It's time for America to stand up and cheer for Albert Borland, who slaves..." I can't read this, Todd.
Al: Tirelessly.
Tim: How did you know what that said?
Al: I guessed.
Tim: Did you, or is it possible that Albert Borland is Todd from Toledo? [Al hangs his head in shame] How could you stoop to something so dumb?
Al: I don't know. But there's no use reading this letter from Andy from Akron.

Wilson: Well, what can I say here that might put this into perspective for both of us? Oh, yes. Oh, yes. The late senator Dwight Morrow said there are people who do things and people who take the credit. And the trick is to be in the first group, there's a lot less competition.
Jill: I see what you're sayin'.
Wilson: Does that make you feel any better?
Jill: Not at all.
Wilson: Me, neither. On the other hand, it is a great honor for Tim, and I guess we have to put our negative feelings aside and just find a way to cheer him on.
Jill: Well, I know. I mean, he should be allowed to enjoy this. I should be more supportive.
Wilson: And if the university is giving him a Ph.D., they must feel he is a worthy recipient.
[Tim bounces on a Pogo stick in the living room]
Jill: Obviously they know something we don't.