Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The One with the Secret Closet’ Quotes

Friends: The One with the Secret Closet

814. The One with the Secret Closet

Aired January 31, 2002

Chandler obsesses over what Monica's hiding in a locked closet. Meanwhile, Phoebe is outraged when she learns that Monica uses another masseuse, and Ross feels he's missing out after the baby kicks for the first time.

Quote from Joey

Joey: What are you doing?
Chandler: Monica has a secret closet and she won't let me see what's in it.
Joey: Why not?
Chandler: I don't know. What could she possibly be hiding in here that I can't see?
Joey: I don't know. Ooh, I'll bet it's Richard.
Chandler: Why would Monica be keeping Richard in here?
Joey: Well, off the top of my head maybe she's having her cake and eating it too. You being the "cake," Richard being the "too."

Rate

Quote from Joey

Joey: Or...
Chandler: And here we go.
Joey: I saw this movie once where there was this door and nobody knew what was behind it. And when they finally got it open, millions and millions and millions of bugs came pouring out and they feasted on human flesh. You know, it wouldn't kill you to respect your wife's privacy! Stupid closet full of bugs!

Quote from Rachel

Joey: So?
Doctor: She's fine. She was experiencing Braxton Hicks contractions. Mild discomfort caused by contractions in the uterine wall.
Rachel: Hmm. Mild discomfort? I take it you've had one of these Braxton thingies?

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: I'm fine.
Joey: You sure?
Rachel: Yes. Yes. I got half a mind to contract that doctor's uterus, though. Mild discomfort. What's he talking about?

Quote from Rachel

Ross: Is everything okay?
Rachel: Yes. Everything's fine.
Ross: Your page said, "Come to the hospital." What? What was it? What happened?
Joey: Something called Braxton Hicks contraction.
Ross: Oh, oh. Thank God. That's no big deal. Most women don't even feel them.
Rachel: Okay, no uterus, no opinion.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: That's it, just relax. Come on, more.
Monica: Oh, God!
Phoebe: Yeah. You like that, don't you?
Monica: Yeah, right there.
Phoebe: You want it there? You take it there, baby.
Monica: Phoebe?
Phoebe: Yeah, say my name. Say it. ... And now I'm going to cover you back up. And I won't be speaking with you for several weeks.

Quote from Joey

Ross: I'm sorry, Rach, I didn't know. Are you going to be okay?
Rachel: Yeah, I'll be fine. But can someone please make sure that sandwich is gone when I get out there?
Joey: I'm on it!

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: Hey. What's up?
Phoebe: Well, I left my guitar here again.
Monica: Okay. No problem. [closes door] Okay. Here you go. [Phoebe knocks, Monica opens the door again] What?
Phoebe: So you want to hang out or something?
Monica: Phoebe, you kind of caught me at a bad time.
Phoebe: Oh, are you and Chandler...?
Monica: Yes, exactly.
Phoebe: Do you guys want me to play for you?
Monica: No.
Chandler: Hey, Pheebs, what's up?
Phoebe: You ask an intriguing question, Chandler Bing.

Quote from Chandler

Phoebe: Oh, my God! You're getting a massage? You never let me massage you.
Monica: Phoebe, I can explain.
Phoebe: You told me you hate massages.
Chandler: Buy stamps. Pick up dry cleaning. Don't let Phoebe in.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: I can't believe this. How long has this been going on?
Monica: Well, Alexandra has-
Phoebe: Oh. It has a name?
Monica: Phoebe, don't get upset.
Phoebe: Okay. Oh, too late! I'm leaving. Come on, Chandler, let's go.
Chandler: Well, I thought I'd- Yeah, what the hell.

Quote from Monica

Chandler: How about in that cabinet?
Monica: No, that's where we keep the canned goods. Have you completely forgotten everything you learned in orientation?

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Why won't you let me massage you?
Monica: Well, I would just be self-conscious. You're my friend. I'd be naked.
Phoebe: Monica, we lived together for years. I've seen you naked.
Monica: That's different. We were roommates. And when?
Phoebe: I'm curious about the human body.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: I'm a professional and I'm really good. Look, if you're uncomfortable, we can stop.
Just give me a chance, okay. Please?
Monica: If it means that much to you.
Phoebe: It does. How would you feel if you couldn't share your cooking? Or imagine how Ross would feel if he couldn't teach us about dragons.
Monica: Dinosaurs.
Phoebe: Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

Quote from Joey

Ross: My God, the baby's kicking. That's great. Although, I kind of wish I would have been there to feel the kicking for the first time.
Joey: Well, I got some stuff going on if you want to feel.
Ross: Look, I don't want to miss any more baby stuff. So here's my new pager number. Anytime anything pregnancy-related happens, use it. I'll be there. Okay, I don't care if it's 3 a.m. and all you want is some ice cream.
Joey: Wow. Can I get a copy of that?

Quote from Ross

Joey: What's with the candy?
Ross: Oh, when you beeped me, I was online at the concession stand at the movie theater.
Rachel: Oh, you went to the movies by yourself?
Ross: No- Mona!

Quote from Joey

Joey: Do you have a bobby pin?
Chandler: Yeah. Oh, no, wait. I'm not a 9-year-old girl.
Joey: Then why do you throw like one?
Chandler: Maybe Monica has a bobby pin.
Joey: Sure, "Monica."

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Richard, if you're in there, could you pass me my credit card?

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: So, what do you say we make it a weekly appointment?
Phoebe: Okay. Okay, but you should know though, I've raised my rates to $200 an hour.
Monica: Okay.
Phoebe: I mean 500.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: 600.
Monica: What's going on?
Phoebe: Oh, you make sex noises when you get massaged. Yeah, it really freaked me out. And after a while, I tried to hurt you and it just spurred you on.
Monica: What? You're crazy. There's nothing sexual about the noises I make.
Phoebe: Really? There's nothing sexual about this? Oh, Ooh, God, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! What are you looking at? I mean, hi.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: This is so embarrassing. I'm never going to get massaged again.
Phoebe: No, you can't let this stop you from getting massages. No, look, I have lots of clients that make the noises you do.
Monica: Really?
Phoebe: Well, not clients. Lovers.

Quote from Joey

Rachel: Is it crazy?
Ross: No. Joey, this is a smart idea.
Joey: Well, I was due.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Yeah, I'm great. I'm better than great. I am good. Now that she's gone, I can do stuff around here that I couldn't do before. Like I can walk around naked again. I can I can watch porn in the living room. This is good for me. I like being on my own. I'm better off this way. I'm a lone wolf. A loner. Alone. All alone. Forever. What's a wolf gotta do to get a hug around here?

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Living with the father of the baby is a little conventional for us.
Ross: Hey, you always have liked my building. And there's more room. I mean, you could have a closet dedicated to shoes.
Rachel: Oh, you do know your audience.


 Episode 813 Episode 815 
  Select another episode