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‘The One Where Chandler Takes a Bath’ Quotes

Friends: The One Where Chandler Takes a Bath

813. The One Where Chandler Takes a Bath

Aired January 17, 2002

As Joey is driven crazy by his feelings for Rachel, Chandler and Monica get the impression he's infatuated with Phoebe. Meanwhile, Rachel and Ross debate names for their baby, and Chandler takes a shine to baths.

Quote from Ross

Ross: But it wouldn't hurt to have a backup, you know? Rach. Rach, what were you thinking?
Rachel: Okay. I was thinking if it's a girl how about Sandrene? It's French.
Ross: Huh. That's a really pretty name for an industrial solvent.

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Quote from Chandler

Monica: I'm telling you, if you had some candles, and some bubbles, and some music, you would love it. It'd take all your stress away.
Chandler: Honey, it's 2:00 on Wednesday and I'm watching "Road Rules". How stressed do you think I am?

Quote from Chandler

Joey: It's just- Lately, I've been feeling- Okay, here's what it is. ... You know what, I feel a lot better. Thanks.
Chandler: Wait a minute. Just come back.
Joey: Okay. You and Monica, friends for a long time. And sure, there are rules. But then you went to London. But that's different. I mean, there are rules there too, know what I mean?
Chandler: Do you?
Joey: It was different for you guys. I mean, you were both in the same place.
Chandler: In London?
Joey: Yeah.
Chandler: Yes, when Monica and I were in London, we were both in London.
Joey: You know what, this is a bad idea. Forget it. Forget all about it. And do me a favor, this conversation between you and me...
Chandler: If that.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Are you going to find out the sex of the baby?
Ross: No, no. We talked about it and we don't wanna know. All we care about is it's happy and healthy.
Rachel: Yep, happy and healthy. And cute.
Ross: Smart.
Rachel: Popular.
Ross: With an aptitude for science.
Phoebe: Are you two talking about the same baby?

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: What do you have?
Ross: It's for a boy. I know it's a little out there, but Darwin.
Rachel: Oh, my God, our child will be beaten to death in the schoolyard.
Phoebe: Yeah, by Sandrene.

Quote from Ross

Ross: You're just saying that because I said no to your name.
Rachel: I'm really, really not.
Phoebe: How about you each get five vetoes?
Rachel: All right.
Ross: All right. That sounds fair.
Rachel: I don't think you're going to need it, though. Check this out. If it's a girl, Rain.
Ross: Veto.
Rachel: Why?
Ross: Rain? "Hi, my name is Rain. I have my own kiln, and my dress is made out of wheat."
Phoebe: I know her! I bought homemade soap from her at a Dead show.

Quote from Rachel

Ross: Okay. How about for a guy, Thatcher?
Rachel: Ross, why do you hate our child?
Ross: Fine, you go.
Rachel: Okay. James.
Ross: Huh.
Rachel: But only if it's a girl.
Ross: Veto. Oh, I like Ruth. What about Ruth?
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry. Are we having an 89-year-old?

Quote from Rachel

Dr. Long: All your tests look fine. Now, are you two interested knowing in the sex of the baby?
Ross: No. No, we're not.
Rachel: But you have it right there? You could tell us whether it's a boy or a girl? Dayton or Sandrene? Phoebe or Pheebo?
Dr. Long: That's right. But if you don't wanna know-
Ross: No, we wanna wait. Right?
Rachel: Right. Right.
Dr. Long: Oh, I'll be right back. And I know it's really not my place, but please don't name your child Pheebo.

Quote from Joey

Joey: [inner monologue] All right, it's a new day. That stuff about Rachel? You don't feel that now. It was crazy. You're fine. You're better than fine. You are, as your friend Tony would say", "Great!" Everything's normal. She's just your friend, Rachel. Your friend, Rachel. Your friend. Rachel.
Rachel: Hi, sweetie.
Joey: [inner monologue] Hey, it's your girlfriend, Rachel!

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Baths are so relaxing.
Chandler: Really? What do you do? You just sit in there, stewing in your own filth.
Monica: How dirty do you think I am?

Quote from Chandler

Joey: Hey, Chandler. You got a minute? I really need to talk to you.
Chandler: Oh, yeah. Is this a cold pizza or a leftover-meat loaf talk?
Joey: Well, neither.
Chandler: Oh, my God, what's up?

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Have you started thinking of names yet?
Rachel: Oh, yeah. I've come up with a bunch of ideas.
Ross: Really? Me too.
Phoebe: Me too.
Rachel: Really?
Phoebe: Uh-huh. If it's a girl, Phoebe. And if it's a boy, Pheebo.
Ross: Maybe.

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: How about Dayton?
Ross: Veto. Stewart.
Ross: Veto.
Rachel: Sawyer.
Ross: Veto. Helen.
Rachel: Veto.
Phoebe: Is it me, or is Veto starting to sound really good?

Quote from Monica

Monica: Please try it for me. Come on, I used all my best stuff. I lit some candles, I put on some music. I used bath salts, plus bubble bath. And I got you this little plastic Navy ship. So it's a boy bath.
Chandler: Well, this does butch it up a bit.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: [inner monologue] All right, this isn't so bad. I like the flowery smell. Which is okay, because I've got my boat.
Monica: So?
Chandler: Oh, my God.
Monica: I told you you were a bath person. Hey, when you get out, maybe I can give you a facial.
Chandler: I'm gonna need a bigger boat.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: So, which of these babies do you think is the ugliest?
Ross: What? Rach, come on, that's terrible. They're babies. They're all beautiful.
Rachel: Third one from the left?
Ross: Yeah. Why is it staring at me? I think it knows I'm talking about it.

Quote from Ross

Ross: You're looking!
Rachel: I didn't!
Ross: I saw you!
Rachel: Fine, I did, but I didn't see anything, I swear.
Ross: Shame on you. Ugly baby judges you!

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: It was just a momentary lapse.
Ross: Momentary lapse. Don't you have any self-control?
Rachel: Okay. A couple months late on the lecture, Ross.

Quote from Monica

Monica: I actually had the weirdest conversation with Joey. He was talking about rules and right and wrong.
Chandler: I had the exact same conversation.
Monica: You did? What was he talking about?
Chandler: I don't know. Joey hasn't had this much trouble getting out words since we saw him in "Macbeth".
Monica: That was a long night.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: What exactly did he say to you?
Monica: Okay. He was talking about rules-
Chandler: Uh-huh.
Monica: And looking at people differently.
Chandler: He didn't say anything about that to me.
Monica: What did he tell you?
Chandler: He was asking all these questions about you, me and London. And of course the glue that holds this all together, the rules.
Monica: Okay. So you, me and London. Looking at people differently. Maybe he wants to do what you and I did in London with someone.
Chandler: But what did he mean by "rules"?
Monica: Wait a minute. He stopped talking the minute Phoebe came in.
Chandler: Because he was looking at her differently.
Monica: And Phoebe is his friend. So he thinks that would be breaking the rules.
Chandler: My God, he wants to do it with Phoebe in London!

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: It's Joey.
Phoebe: Really? Joey? You don't say.
Monica: Would you be interested?
Phoebe: I don't know, I don't know. You know, I mean, on the one hand, "Mother, may I?" But, you know, on the other hand- No. No, I can't. We're friends. Oh, no. I don't wanna risk what we have.
Monica: I guess that makes sense. So, you think you're gonna talk to him?
Phoebe: Sure. Yeah. I mean, it's Joey. I don't want him to get hurt. Well, I must say, I am on fire! First Chandler, now Joey.
Monica: Not Chandler. Just Joey.
Phoebe: Sure.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: You know what? I'm really coming around on the name Ruth. I think I would actually consider naming our child that.
Ross: Rach, I can't tell you how much that means to me. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You hated the name Ruth. Why would you change your mind? Unless you know we're never gonna have to use it. You did see the folder. You know it's a boy.
Rachel: I didn't see anything. I actually changed my mind about the name.
Ross: Oh, I don't think so. You're just giving me Ruth so you'll get to name him when it's a boy. And that's when you'll swoop in and name him Heath or Blaine or Sequoia.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: I know that things worked out for Chandler and Monica, but that's very rare.
Joey: I know. I know. And this is so much more complicated than it was for those guys. I mean, it's Rachel, for God's sakes.
Phoebe: For God's sakes, it's Rachel!
Joey: I know. I know. And she's not only my friend, she's my pregnant friend. She's my pregnant friend who's Ross's ex.
Phoebe: Yeah, that's Rachel. Beat me over the head with it.

Quote from Joey

Joey: What am I gonna do? I keep trying to get rid of these feelings, you know. I stayed up all last night and made a list of everything I don't like about her. You wanna hear it?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Joey: "She made me switch to light mayo." That's it. That's all I got! And you know what? Tastes the same and my pants fit better.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: We're having a girl. Sometimes I can't believe it's with you, but still, we're having a girl.
Ross: I know. You know what? I'm putting Ruth back on the table.
Rachel: Oh. Yes, we'll have ourselves a little baby Ruth.
Ross: Permission to veto.
Rachel: Yes, please.

Quote from Phoebe

Joey: Dude, you gotta rearrange your bubbles.
Phoebe: Mazel tov.

Quote from Monica

Monica: It's nice to do this together, isn't it?
Chandler: Yeah. And what you're doing feels so good.
Monica: I'm not touching you.
Chandler: You're not?
Monica: It's the salts.
Chandler: Oh, sweet Lord, new realms of pleasure.
Monica: Whatever keeps you off the balcony, big guy.


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