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‘The One with the Birthing Video’ Quotes

Friends: The One with the Birthing Video

815. The One with the Birthing Video

Aired February 7, 2002

Chandler and Monica's Valentine's Day is ruined when they watch a birthing video that Phoebe left for Rachel. Meanwhile, Ross struggles to break the news to Mona that Rachel is living with him, and Phoebe tries to cheer Joey up with a dog.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Worst porn ever. Worst porn ever.
Woman: [on the videotape:] Oh, make it stop!
Chandler: I am trying!

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Quote from Rachel

Joey: So how's it going living over at Ross's?
Rachel: It's good, except he makes us watch the Discovery Channel all day long. Did you know that something really boring happened to someone really ugly in the Middle Ages?

Quote from Joey

Phoebe: Gunther, can I get a scone?
Gunther: Do you want anything?
Joey: You know what I want? I want a lot of things. I wanna be with the woman I love on Valentine's Day! And I want her to love me back. And I want just one moment of relief from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that's never going to happen!
Gunther: We have red bagels.
Joey: Okay.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: It's a video of my friend giving birth. Could you just bring it back to your apartment?
Ross: "Candy and Cookie"?
Phoebe: Yeah, Candy's the mom, Cookie's the daughter. The father's name is also Cookie. Why am I friends with these people?

Quote from Monica

Monica: We can't let this tape wreck Valentine's Day.
Chandler: You don't know. You didn't see it.
Monica: Chandler, childbirth it's a natural thing. It's beautiful.
Chandler: Oh, beautiful? Really? You think this is beautiful?
Monica: Oh, my God! No wonder my mother hates me!

Quote from Ross

Rachel: You know what I'm going to do? I'm gonna get in my sweats and eat this in bed.
Ross: And you thought she was gonna be in our way! So why don't you open the champagne, and I will be right back. I've got a surprise for you.
Mona: You got another ex-wife back there?
Ross: [nervous chuckling] Please start drinking.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: What the mother of crap is up with this stuff? God, is it gum? Is it food? What's the deal? Oh, it's nice. May I try a pink one?

Quote from Joey

Joey: That is one lucky to-go cup of coffee.
Phoebe: Oh, honey. I wish you would get over her. I hate seeing you like this. Is there anything I can do for you? Do you wanna look down my top?
Joey: Thanks. Maybe later.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: So how does Mona feel about you and Rachel living together?
Ross: Oh, I'm actually on my way to tell her right now. Yeah, she's been away all week visiting her parents, but she'll be cool. I mean, she's been so supportive. She even got the baby a tiny T-shirt that says "Fossils are my friends."
Phoebe: Come on, Mona. Don't kiss ass.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Hey, what do you have behind your back?
Monica: Nothing. Just something I want to get Phoebe's opinion on for Valentine's Day.
Ross: You don't want my opinion?
Monica: Not really.
Ross: Come on, I'm your older brother. Ask me.
Monica: Oh, okay, big brother. Which one of these do you think would make your little sister look hotter so your best friend would want to do her?
Ross: The red one.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Well, I'm not really in a sexy mood.
Monica: Hey, what's going on?
Chandler: Remember the first time you saw "Jaws" how long it took to go back in the water?

Quote from Ross

Mona: I brought you back a present.
Ross: Oh, come on, you didn't have to- Saltwater taffy?! Thanks. You know, it's interesting. Most people think this is made with seawater, but it's actually made with salted fresh water. That's not interesting.
Mona: I think it's interesting.
Ross: I do too. I missed you!

Quote from Ross

Ross: I was missing out on all this other stuff too. So Joey suggested Rachel move in with me.
Mona: Yeah, right.
Ross: What?
Mona: Joey cracks me up. It's like, "Yeah, why don't you have your ex-wife move in. with you" That wouldn't be awkward at all.
Ross: Huh. Heh.
Mona: Hey, could you imagine? I go away for a few days and I come back, and my boyfriend is living with some woman he got pregnant. So, what'd you tell him?
Ross: [mumbles while eating saltwater taffy]

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Taffy? Really? I've never had any.
Ross: Ever?
Phoebe: Well, I think my mother was too busy planning her suicide to provide saltwater treats.

Quote from Ross

Phoebe: So what, are you just never going to tell her?
Ross: Oh, no. I will. I just want to butter her up first. I'm going take her to an amazing Valentine's dinner, do all this romantic stuff. And then, just when she thinks I'm the best boyfriend in the world, then I'm going to tell her my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me.
Phoebe: If I haven't said it before, she's a lucky, lucky lady.

Quote from Joey

Joey: So between her and me being friends, and her history with Ross it just isn't gonna happen.
It'd be like you falling in love with a cat.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: Oh, I've got big Valentine's plans. I've got my Chinese food on the way, and the rest of your saltwater taffy.
Ross: You know, it's interesting. Most people think's made with seawater, when in fact-
Rachel: Ross, we actually watched the documentary together.

Quote from Ross

Mona: Seriously, what is she doing?
Ross: You know, lately she just likes hanging out here.
Mona: Why?
Ross: I think she's lonely.
Mona: Okay, but it's Valentine's Day. Can't we just ask her to go?
Ross: Well, no, she's way too emotional. And by emotional, I mean crazy!
Rachel: I'm not here. That's just my Chinese food.
Mona: Oh, my God. She has food delivered here?
Ross: Yes, she's emotional, but ballsy.

Quote from Ross

Mona: Ross is too nice to say it, but this is his apartment. We need boundaries, so why don't you go back to your place?
Rachel: But, Mona, I live here.
Ross: Happy Valentine's Day! Or, something to remember me by.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: It haunts me. Till now, the worst thing I'd seen was my dad doing tequila shots off the naked houseboy. After this, I would gladly make that my screensaver.

Quote from Chandler

Rachel: I'm so sorry to barge in on your Valentine, but I had to get away from all the yelling. Mona is dumping Ross.
Monica: Oh, my God.
Chandler: Poor Ross. Oh, great. We have to watch him do yoga in his underwear, but for this he closes the drapes.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Rach, you know that birthing tape you wanted to see? It's here.
Chandler: Oh, and we should warn you before you watch it, don't watch it.

Quote from Chandler

Rachel: You saw it? Is it scary?
Chandler: Well, let's just say it's ironic how footage of someone being born can make you want to kill yourself.

Quote from Chandler

Rachel: Why is that baby torturing that woman?
Chandler: Why have I seen this thing three times?

Quote from Ross

Ross: Mona just dumped me.
Joey: Oh, man, I'm sorry. Why?
Ross: Well, with everything that's been going on lately, I haven't exactly been the perfect boyfriend. You know, I mean, I didn't tell her I got Rachel pregnant. Then I gave her a key to my apartment and then I had the locks changed. And then I lied to her about Rachel moving in with me. In a way, I actually judge her for not breaking up with me sooner.

Quote from Rachel

Monica: So how do you guys like living together so far?
Ross: It's been good.
Rachel: Yeah. But Ross is more uptight about crumbs than you are.
Ross: There was a drumstick in the couch.
Monica: And I am not uptight about crumbs. It's just that, you know, crumbs attract mice and mice leave droppings and that's how the plague started. So, if you wanna relive that again...
Rachel: Mice didn't start the plague, rats did. Rattus norvegicus to be exact. ... Oh, good God, Ross. Nick at Nite, once in a while.

Quote from Phoebe

Ross: So, I just have to plan the perfect night. What's the best date you ever had?
Phoebe: Last year, Greg Hayman took me to a very nice sushi dinner, then we took a romantic walk to a nearby research lab, where we trashed the place and freed 20 monkeys.
Ross: I knew it! I knew I wasn't crazy! Last year a monkey did attack me at the bus stop.


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