Phoebe: Gunther, can I get a scone?
Gunther: Do you want anything?
Joey: You know what I want? I want a lot of things. I wanna be with the woman I love on Valentine's Day! And I want her to love me back. And I want just one moment of relief from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that's never going to happen!
Gunther: We have red bagels.
Joey: Okay.

Joey: So how's it going living over at Ross's?
Rachel: It's good, except he makes us watch the Discovery Channel all day long. Did you know that something really boring happened to someone really ugly in the Middle Ages?

Phoebe: It's a video of my friend giving birth. Could you just bring it back to your apartment?
Ross: "Candy and Cookie"?
Phoebe: Yeah, Candy's the mom, Cookie's the daughter. The father's name is also Cookie. Why am I friends with these people?

Monica: We can't let this tape wreck Valentine's Day.
Chandler: You don't know. You didn't see it.
Monica: Chandler, childbirth it's a natural thing. It's beautiful.
Chandler: Oh, beautiful? Really? You think this is beautiful?
Monica: Oh, my God! No wonder my mother hates me!

Rachel: You know what I'm going to do? I'm gonna get in my sweats and eat this in bed.
Ross: And you thought she was gonna be in our way! So why don't you open the champagne, and I will be right back. I've got a surprise for you.
Mona: You got another ex-wife back there?
Ross: [nervous chuckling] Please start drinking.

Phoebe: What the mother of crap is up with this stuff? God, is it gum? Is it food? What's the deal? Oh, it's nice. May I try a pink one?

Chandler: Worst porn ever. Worst porn ever.
Woman: [on the videotape:] Oh, make it stop!
Chandler: I am trying!

Joey: That is one lucky to-go cup of coffee.
Phoebe: Oh, honey. I wish you would get over her. I hate seeing you like this. Is there anything I can do for you? Do you wanna look down my top?
Joey: Thanks. Maybe later.

Phoebe: So how does Mona feel about you and Rachel living together?
Ross: Oh, I'm actually on my way to tell her right now. Yeah, she's been away all week visiting her parents, but she'll be cool. I mean, she's been so supportive. She even got the baby a tiny T-shirt that says "Fossils are my friends."
Phoebe: Come on, Mona. Don't kiss ass.

Ross: Hey, what do you have behind your back?
Monica: Nothing. Just something I want to get Phoebe's opinion on for Valentine's Day.
Ross: You don't want my opinion?
Monica: Not really.
Ross: Come on, I'm your older brother. Ask me.
Monica: Oh, okay, big brother. Which one of these do you think would make your little sister look hotter so your best friend would want to do her?
Ross: The red one.