‘The One with the Birthing Video’
Season 8, Episode 15 - Aired February 7, 2002
Chandler and Monica's Valentine's Day is ruined when they watch a birthing video that Phoebe left for Rachel. Meanwhile, Ross struggles to break the news to Mona that Rachel is living with him, and Phoebe tries to cheer Joey up with a dog.
Quote from Joey
Phoebe: Gunther, can I get a scone?
Gunther: Do you want anything?
Joey: You know what I want? I want a lot of things. I wanna be with the woman I love on Valentine's Day! And I want her to love me back. And I want just one moment of relief from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that's never going to happen!
Gunther: We have red bagels.
Joey: Okay.
Quote from Chandler
Chandler: Worst porn ever. Worst porn ever.
Woman: [on the videotape:] Oh, make it stop!
Chandler: I am trying!
Quote from Rachel
Joey: So how's it going living over at Ross's?
Rachel: It's good, except he makes us watch the Discovery Channel all day long. Did you know that something really boring happened to someone really ugly in the Middle Ages?
Quote from Phoebe
Phoebe: It's a video of my friend giving birth. Could you just bring it back to your apartment?
Ross: "Candy and Cookie"?
Phoebe: Yeah, Candy's the mom, Cookie's the daughter. The father's name is also Cookie. Why am I friends with these people?
Quote from Monica
Monica: We can't let this tape wreck Valentine's Day.
Chandler: You don't know. You didn't see it.
Monica: Chandler, childbirth it's a natural thing. It's beautiful.
Chandler: Oh, beautiful? Really? You think this is beautiful?
Monica: Oh, my God! No wonder my mother hates me!
Quote from Ross
Rachel: You know what I'm going to do? I'm gonna get in my sweats and eat this in bed.
Ross: And you thought she was gonna be in our way! So why don't you open the champagne, and I will be right back. I've got a surprise for you.
Mona: You got another ex-wife back there?
Ross: [nervous chuckling] Please start drinking.
Quote from Phoebe
Phoebe: What the mother of crap is up with this stuff? God, is it gum? Is it food? What's the deal? Oh, it's nice. May I try a pink one?
Quote from Joey
Joey: That is one lucky to-go cup of coffee.
Phoebe: Oh, honey. I wish you would get over her. I hate seeing you like this. Is there anything I can do for you? Do you wanna look down my top?
Joey: Thanks. Maybe later.
Quote from Phoebe
Phoebe: So how does Mona feel about you and Rachel living together?
Ross: Oh, I'm actually on my way to tell her right now. Yeah, she's been away all week visiting her parents, but she'll be cool. I mean, she's been so supportive. She even got the baby a tiny T-shirt that says "Fossils are my friends."
Phoebe: Come on, Mona. Don't kiss ass.
Quote from Ross
Ross: Hey, what do you have behind your back?
Monica: Nothing. Just something I want to get Phoebe's opinion on for Valentine's Day.
Ross: You don't want my opinion?
Monica: Not really.
Ross: Come on, I'm your older brother. Ask me.
Monica: Oh, okay, big brother. Which one of these do you think would make your little sister look hotter so your best friend would want to do her?
Ross: The red one.