Phoebe: Okay, Rachel gave this guy her number and she doesn't want Ross to answer the phone. So you have to intercept all his calls.
Mike: I can't do that.
Phoebe: He says he can't do that.
Rachel: Oh, give me the phone. Hi, Mike. Hi, listen, I know that this is a lot to ask, but you know what? If you do this, Phoebe will do anything you want. Seriously, I'm talking dirty stuff.
Phoebe: All right. Hello? Hi, I'm sorry about her. But actually, she wasn't wrong about the dirty stuff.
Mike: All right, I'll do it. But really, how much dirtier can it get?
Phoebe: Oh, Mike.

Joey: Why do I smell men's cologne?
Monica: I think that's you.
Joey: Oh, yeah. I rubbed a magazine on myself earlier.

Mike: So, with the exception of the fermentation process, beer and ale are basically the same thing. Fascinating, isn't it?
Ross: Maybe you should look up "fascinating."

Rachel: Did he call? Did that guy call?
Mike: No, just his mom.
Rachel: Oh. Around 8:30?
Mike: Yeah.
Rachel: Then again at 9:00?
Mike: Yeah.

Monica: Chandler, look. I don't wanna be one of those wives that says: "You can't go to the game. You have to spend time with me." So if you could just realize it on your own.

Chandler: Hey, Joe.
Joey: Dude, come home.
Chandler: What? Why?
Joey: Come home.
Chandler: Look, I can't. What's going on?
Joey: I don't know how to tell you this, but I think Monica's cheating on you. I told you, you shouldn't have married someone so much hotter than you.

Mike: So you like the beer?
Ross: I do. I do. Although, it's actually a lager.
Mike: Huh. What's the difference between beer and lager?
Ross: I don't know. We could look it up.
Mike: Things are about to get wild.

Joey: Wow. That didn't take long. I thought you said Tulsa was, like, a three-hour flight?
Chandler: Well, you're forgetting about the time difference.
Joey: Yeah.

Monica: Chandler, you're home.
Chandler: That's right. Your husband's home. So now the sex can stop.
Monica: What are you saying?
Chandler: Joey said you're here with another man.
Monica: There's no man in here. How dare you accuse me of that. [Monica slaps Chandler]
Joey: All right. All right. Then maybe you won't mind if me and my friend take a look around.
Chandler: What's he doing?
Monica: I arranged some pillows on the bed to look like a guy.
Joey: Bedroom's clear. Although you might need some new pillows.

Joey: Wait a minute, wait a minute. If you just got back from Tulsa, how did your suitcase beat you here?
Chandler: I climbed down the fire escape, and you can't put that in the closet?