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‘The One with Rachel's Other Sister’ Quotes

Friends: The One with Rachel's Other Sister

908. The One with Rachel's Other Sister

Aired November 21, 2002

Rachel's self-obsessed sister Amy joins the group for Thanksgiving dinner and starts a debate over who would get Emma if Ross and Rachel were to die. Meanwhile, Phoebe helps Joey come up with a lie for why he was missing from the Days of our Lives float, and Monica is anxious about using the fancy wedding china.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Listen, not that you guys could stop me or anything because you know, you'd be dead. But I was thinking about changing her name. I'm just not really a big fan of Emily.
Ross: Emma.
Amy: Emma, Ross wants you.
Phoebe: Phoebe!
Amy: Why does she keep making that noise?

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Quote from Rachel

Rachel: God, she is unbelievable.
Ross: I know. I mean, a Ph.D. is just as good as an MD.
Rachel: Oh, sure, Ross, yeah. If I have a heart attack at a restaurant, I want you there with your fossil brush.

Quote from Amy

Rachel: Honey, I don't know how to tell you this but if something were to happen to Ross or myself you wouldn't get the baby.
Amy: Well, who would?
Ross: Well, we haven't officially asked them yet but we would want Monica and Chandler.
Chandler: I can't believe you'd want us to raise Emma.
Monica: Yeah. Oh, my God, I'm so moved.
Amy: I don't believe this. Hold on a second. You guys die and I don't get your baby?
Rachel: Amy, see, we're a lot closer to Monica and Chandler. We see them every day. And truthfully, honey, you don't seem connected to the baby.
Amy: Connected? I mean, to what? She's a lump.
Chandler: You know, guys, I've gotta say this means so much to me. I mean, that you would trust me with your child. I mean, we all know that Monica and I have been trying to have a baby of our own. You know, I've had my doubts about my skills as a father, but- That you two- That you two-
Amy: This guy? Seriously?

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: I haven't seen you in, like, a year.
Amy: Oh, I know. I know. I've just been crazed.
Rachel: Well, me too. I had a baby.
Amy: I decorated Dad's office.
Rachel: Yeah? Well, unless you pushed a desk out of your vagina, not the same thing.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: What's going on, Joe?
Joey: Listen, I need a good lie.
Phoebe: Oh. Okay. How about the whole "man walking on the moon" thing, you know? You can see the strings, people!

Quote from Joey

Joey: Who has to die for me to get her?

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: Honey, you're taking this the wrong way. We think you'll be a wonderful parent.
It's just- You're more the, you know, fun parent.
Ross: Yeah, and we wanna make sure Emma also has someone like Monica, who's more of a disciplinarian. Someone who can be firm and strict.
Monica: That's not how you see me, is it?
Phoebe: [cutting her food in the air] No, you're all about the fun.

Quote from Phoebe

Chandler: So, let me just get this straight. So my two friends die, I get Emma. Then my wife dies. Then Emma, the one tiny ray of hope left in my life gets taken away from me?
Phoebe: There's your movie.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: Dude, well done. If I die and Rachel dies and Monica dies, you can totally take care of Emma.
Chandler: Oh, yeah? Well, thanks.
Ross: So... So now do I get Joey?
Chandler: Okay. But you should know he eats five times a day and shoves pennies up his nose.

Quote from Joey

Monica: Bye, plates.
Joey: Oh, you told her you broke all the plates, huh?
Monica: What?! Something happened with the plates?
Joey: Uh. Yeah, this raccoon came in...

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: So if Monica's not around, I'm not good enough to raise Emma?
Ross: No, that is not what we're saying.
Joey: Yeah, he's lying. He looked down.
Chandler: Well, what's wrong with me? Am I incompetent? Because I managed to survive whatever it is that killed the three of you!

Quote from Joey

Joey: Wow. The parade is really good this year. Man, those horses can crap.
TV Announcer: Next up is a marching band from Muskogee, Oklahoma.
Chandler: Muskogee? That's like four hours from Tulsa! Woo-hoo.
TV Announcer: And here's the float with the stars of the popular daytime soap Days of our Lives.
Joey: Oh, my God!
Chandler: Aren't you one of the stars of the popular daytime soap "Days of our Lives"?
Joey: Yeah. I'm supposed to be there. I can't believe I forgot. I usually write stuff like this down on my arm. [Chandler rolls up Joey's sleeve] Oh, stupid long sleeves.
Chandler: What are you gonna do?
Joey: I guess I'm going to have to come up with a pretty good reason why I wasn't there. The producers are gonna be so mad at me. They sat us all down yesterday and said: "Everyone has to be there, 6 a.m. Sharp. That means you, Tribbiani." Like I was some kind of idiot.
Chandler: Well, you proved them wrong.
Joey: Yeah.

Quote from Rachel

Amy: [knocking] Hello? Rachel?
Rachel: Who is it?
Amy: It's your favorite sister.
Rachel: Jill?
Amy: Amy.
Rachel: [to Ross] Hide my rings.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Oh, my God. Is this Emmett?
Rachel: It's Emma.
Amy: It's a girl?

Quote from Amy

Ross: Hey, Amy.
Rachel: Amy, you remember Ross?
Amy: Not really. But you are much cuter than that geeky guy she used to date.
Ross: That was me.
Amy: No, he was this creepy guy from high school who had this huge crush on her since, like, the ninth grade.
Ross: Still me.
Amy: No, I'm not talking about you. It was your fat friend's brother with that bad Afro.
Ross: Okay, Amy, I'm gonna save you some time, okay? All me!

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Careful. Careful. Careful!
Chandler: I'll tell you what. For the rest of our lives I'll be careful until told otherwise.

Quote from Joey

Joey: No, no, no. I need a good lie to explain why I wasn't at a work thing today.
Phoebe: Ooh. Honey, you stink at lying.
Joey: I do not.
Phoebe: Oh, really? Let me ask you something. Yesterday at the coffeehouse I went to the bathroom and when I came back, my muffin was gone. Who took it?
Joey: Somebody opened the door to the coffeehouse and a raccoon came running in and went straight for your muffin. I said: "Hey, don't eat that. That's Phoebe's." And he said- He said, "Joey, you stink at lying."

Quote from Joey

Phoebe: What was the work thing? [Joey rolls up his sleeve] "Pick up Grandma at the airport."
Joey: Oh, man!

Quote from Amy

Amy: Hello? Yeah, hang on, one sec. Can I take this upstairs?
Ross: Sure. We don't live there, but...
Amy: Seriously? It's just these rooms? I thought you were a doctor.
Rachel: Yeah. No, Ross has a Ph.D.
Amy: Ew!

Quote from Amy

Amy: Stupid Thanksgiving.
Rachel: What? What? What happened?
Amy: My boyfriend canceled on me. I mean, I finally find a real relationship.
Someone that I can spend this day with, and then his wife comes back into town. I swear, it's almost not even worth dating married guys.
Ross: Don't say that.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: Look, I was thinking, if it's okay with Monica I would like to invite Amy to Thanksgiving.
Ross: I think that's a great idea. It'll be like the Pilgrims bringing the Indians syphilis.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Oh, my God. You're on "Days of our Lives".
Joey: Yeah.
Amy: Wow. They must put a lot of makeup on you.
Joey: Happy Thanksgiving.

Quote from Amy

Monica: So welcome. Is this the first time you're seeing Emma?
Amy: Yeah, I think so. It's nice to meet you, Emma.
Phoebe: Phoebe.
Amy: That's a funny noise.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Where's the baby?
Rachel: We just put her down for a nap.
Amy: Listen, I was just thinking. You know what would be incredible? If you guys died!
Ross: Thank you, Amy.
Amy: No, no, then I would get the baby. I mean, you know, it would be just like a movie. At first I wouldn't know what to do with her. And then I would rise to the occasion. Then I'd get a makeover and get married.
Phoebe: That's a great movie!

Quote from Amy

Amy: You know, this is such a slap in the face. I mean, I'm your sister and you would give your baby to these strangers over me.
Rachel: Monica is Ross's sister.
Amy: No, Ross' sister was really fat.
Monica: That was me.
Amy: No, she was this really dorky girl in school who used to follow Rachel around like a puppy-
Rachel: Amy, you have got to stop doing that.

Quote from Joey

Chandler: I may not know a lot about babies, but do you really think I'm not capable?
Ross: No. You both are equally capable. It's just you're strongest when you're together.
Chandler: Okay. So if we both had Emma, and I died she'd have to give her up.
Ross: Sure. Monica would have to give her up.
Joey: I lie better than that, right?

Quote from Monica

Monica: Hey, there you are. You disappeared after dinner.
Chandler: Oh, did somebody miss me? Was there a child to raise poorly?
Monica: Ross and Rachel don't know what they're talking about. I mean, it's not like they're so responsible. Emma is a product of a bottle of Merlot and a five-year-old condom.

Quote from Monica

Monica: I wanna have a kid with you because I think you'll be an amazing dad. At the fun parts and at the hard parts.
Chandler: Yeah. Well, can you picture me saying, "Go to your room, you're grounded"?
Monica: Can you hear me say, "You're grounded"?
Chandler: You said that to me last week.
Monica: How hard is it? "No shoes on the furniture!"

Quote from Joey

Phoebe: It doesn't matter. I thought of the perfect lie for you. It's easy to remember, and it doesn't invite a lot of questions. You weren't at the parade because you had a family emergency.
Joey: I like that. Yeah. I wasn't at the parade because I had a family emergency.
Phoebe: Ooh. What happened?
Joey: Uh, my sister's raccoon came-
Phoebe: No, nothing with a raccoon.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: Hey, dude, you okay? Sorry about before.
Chandler: Oh, no. That's okay. You're totally right. I don't know anything about disciplining a child. But it did hurt my feelings, and I want you to know that if I die you don't get Joey.

Quote from Rachel

Amy: In case you hadn't noticed, I'm not talking to you. You know, this is just- This is classic Rachel.
Rachel: Oh, yeah. Yeah, right. Remember in high school when I died and didn't give you my baby?

Quote from Amy

Rachel: I cannot believe that I invited you here today.
Amy: Yeah, well, you know what I cannot believe? That my so-called sister gets a 30% discount from Ralph Lauren, and I still have to pay retail?
Rachel: [chuckles] It's 45.
Amy: You bitch.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Put the plates back in the boxes! Put the plates back in the boxes!

Quote from Monica

Rachel: Are you okay, Mon?
Monica: Uh-huh. I mean, these things happen. I mean, it's just a plate. It's not like somebody died.
Phoebe: It's all right. You can mourn.
Monica: Thank you. It was so beautiful!

Quote from Monica

Monica: I'm gonna go to Joey's and get the pies.
Joey: Actually, not pies. It's just pie.
Monica: I don't care. Oh, my God, I've lost the will to scold.

Quote from Chandler

Rachel: She needs changing.
Chandler: Oh, no, no, no. I'll get her. I am super confident, totally responsible and fourth in line to raise Emma. I'll be right there, Emma. Just let me get my trusty diaper bag here. [the plates fall to the ground and smash] Well, what do you know? I guess I'll be the one who dies first.


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