Daphne: I know you're upset, Mum, but it's not like you and Dad had a perfect marriage.
Gertrude: That's because there's no such thing. You young modern people think marriage is some sort of promenade through paradise, when it's more like a march through Hell with a man strapped to your back and a litter of nasty babies swinging from your teats!

Daphne: This is Donny.
Donny: Hi.
Gertrude: [to Donny] Well, come here, let's have a good look at you. [to Frasier] We were starting to think our Daphne would never find herself a young man. [looks at Donny] And I see she hasn't. But, beggars can't be choosers.

Frasier: Oh. Mrs. Moon, we'd like to get two double lattes to go, please.
Gertrude: For an extra dollar, I can add a nip of brandy.
Frasier: Is that on the menu?
Gertrude: [pulling a flask out of her apron] It's on the secret menu.

Gertrude: Your phone's ringing.
Roz: Oh, it's not mine, it's Frasier's. [looking at the phone] Ew! It's Julia.
Gertrude: Who's that?
Roz: This witch who's trying to get her hooks into Frasier. [shouting towards the phone] I hate her.
Gertrude: I'll fix her.
Roz: Wait, wait. What are you doing?
Gertrude: [waving Roz off, answering the phone in a refined, sultry voice] Hello. [pause] Oh, I'm sorry, Frasier's in no position to talk, if you, uh, get my meaning. Who's this, then? Hold on. [holding the phone out] Sweetheart? Do you want to talk to a Julia? [giggling] Oh, Frasier, put me down! [normal voice] Sorry, he's not here after all. Bye, now. [hangs up] There. Problem solved.
Roz: You know, you probably ruined their entire evening. [mimicking Gertrude's refined accent] How can I thank you?

Daphne: Where's Alice?
Roz: Oh, upset stomach. On the way home yesterday she snacked on the leftover petals in her basket. So, I'm sorry, but I won't be able to join you for dinner.
Niles: We understand.
Gertrude: Explain it to me then. What sort of child eats roses? 'Tisn't normal.
Roz: You could have stopped her you know.
Gertrude: Not the way she was noshing them up, I couldn't. Like a wood chipper, she was.
Roz: All right.
Gertrude: The incredible beaver baby.

Judge Anderson: If I may...
Frasier: I'll handle this, Your Honor. Mrs. Moon, you have my personal guarantee that this will not be a Godless union. For if you truly believe in the omniscience and omnipresence of the Lord, then surely are we not always in His presence?
Gertrude: No. He lives at the church.

Gertrude: So here you all are. What is the point of bringing the party down to the Winnebago when there's a perfectly nice room right here?
Daphne: You're not moving the party in here.
Gertrude: Oh, Daphne, don't get your blood pressure up. You've got your baby to think of. Here, have a drink and relax.

Daphne: You know, maybe I'll give that a try. When Niles walks into that guest room tonight, I'll have a surprise waiting for him. Candles, soft music, a negligée... Nothing too sexy, we don't want to strain his heart.
Gertrude: Well, there's nothing wrong with your ego.

Daphne: Mum, this is...
Gertrude: Oh, I know who he is, love. [To Frasier] I want to thank you, Donny, for rescuing my daughter from that horrible Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Well, actually...
Gertrude: Every time I call her, I'm not on the phone five minutes, before that tyrant is ordering her to hang up. [To bartender] Cup of tea, please. Thought my daughter might get me one, but she didn't. Oh, God, this seat's worse than that Winnebago. Though not half as uncomfortable as that sardine-tin of a room you arranged for me. [Frasier delivers a cup of tea] Oh, God, can't bear the smell of that, take it away. Reminds me of the salmon they served on that aeroplane. Oh, if it doesn't have me hurling me guts out, it'll be by God's own intervention. Now, give your new mom a kiss, Donny.
Daphne: Actually, Mum, this isn't Donny.

Niles: We're having a civil ceremony.
Gertrude: Without a minister? Out of the question.
Daphne: Mum!
Gertrude: That's enough, Daphne. I am your mother and I will not bear witness to a Godless union.
Martin: Gertrude, I was in favor of a church wedding, too. But this is their day, not ours. Maybe we should just let them decide how it's gonna be.
Gertrude: If people got to decide things for themselves, no one would go to church.