Frasier: Everyone, I would like to introduce you to the newest member of our furniture family!
[Frasier reveals an exact copy of Martin's chair, minus all the duct tape that had been added over the years]
Martin: Oh! Where did you find this?
Frasier: You can't find that, Dad. It doesn't exist anymore. Which is why I contacted a master builder, showed him some photographs, and had him duplicate it. As for the material, I tracked down the original manufacturer, and once I got them to admit they made it, I had them reweave it!
Daphne: It must have cost a fortune.
Frasier: Yes. Ironically, this is now the most expensive piece of furniture in the entire apartment.

Frasier: Now listen, before anyone says something they'll regret...
Daphne: Butt out! If you hadn't opened your big mouth we wouldn't be in this mess. Donny wouldn't be suing me and everyone else in sight and I wouldn't be out two weeks salary for a new dress I'm apparently never going to wear, [to Niles] and you wouldn't be kowtowing to that shrew of a wife of yours!
Frasier: This is all my fault?
Niles: Oh shut up, Frasier! The only thing more hollow than your protest of innocence is your big fat head!
Frasier: I am wounded!

Frasier: I can suggest certain visualization techniques...
Dr. Tewksbury: He knows them already.
Frasier: Look, if he knows all this, then why is he calling?
Dr. Tewksbury: He told you. Because he's empty. Keep going.
Frasier: Sometimes it helps to write yourself a letter...
Dr. Tewksbury: He's already got himself on the phone.
Frasier: But I don't know what he wants!
Dr. Tewksbury: Then why do you keep trying to bury him in psychiatric exercises?
Frasier: Because that's all I have!
[Frasier and Dr. Tewksbury share a knowing look]
Frasier: I'm sorry, caller, I can't help you.

[Frasier is covered in an array of tiny, blood-soaked spots of toilet paper]
Martin: Jeez, I thought you were just going to slit your wrists. It looks like you went for "death of a thousand cuts."
Frasier: I cut myself because I was shaving without water. And why was there no water? Because I had to move your chair, which gouged the floor, which made me call for Joe, who found bad pipes, which called for Cecil, who ate the cat that killed the rat that lived in the house that Frasier built!

Frasier: Bebe, throughout our relationship, I have put up with a lot. But I never doubted for an instant your devotion to my career. Apparently, that is at an end. And so, therefore, is my association with this agency. And, screw, may I add, you!

Frasier: Where have you been? We're on in two minutes!
Roz: Forgive me, but I was busy preparing your schedule for tomorrow. You've got lunch with the station manager, you're recording a PSA at three o'clock and don't forget to send flowers to your sister-in-law at the hospital.
Frasier: Oh yes, Maris's face-lift!
Roz: Really? I didn't know she needed one.
Frasier: Well, she doesn't, actually. There's nothing wrong with Maris that wouldn't be cured by a little sun, some exercise and a personality.

Frasier: The doctor says it's all just a matter of aging. Well, no reason to let it ruin our festive lunch.
Martin: Yeah, boy, you don't forget that trip to the doctor, do you? That day he says, "There's nothing I can do for ya, you're just getting old, sport."
Frasier: In my case it was "slugger" but that was the gist.
Martin: Yeah, well, you know what I realize? When people reach our stage of life...
Frasier: Dad, please, with all due respect. When it comes to life's journeys, you and I don't share a stage. We're not even in the same theatre.

Frasier: Lilian, the next time your perfectionist tendencies drive you to distraction, just remember this quotation from Henry James: "Excellence does not require perfection."
Lillian: "That's very helpful. Thank you."
Frasier: Or is it "demand"? Hmm. "Require"? "Demand"? "Excellence does not require perfection." "Excellence does not demand perfection."
Roz: Aren't they the same thing?
Frasier: Of course not, Roz. Shush! "Excellence", "demand", "require", "demand", "require"- Oh! Or is it "mandate"?
Lillian: "I really have to go now." [call disconnects]
Frasier: Oh, well, it doesn't really matter, anyway, does it? Meantime, Seattle, this is Doctor Frasier Crane, wishing you good day- Oh! It's "require". It is "require"! And good mental health.

Frasier: Eddie? What is the matter with him?
Daphne: He saw your father's chair was gone, and he's afraid it means your father's gone too. I think he suspects foul play.
Frasier: [to Eddie] Oh, stop it! If I had stuck Dad's feet into a bucket of cement and thrown him into Puget Sound, you would have been the tiny little splash that followed him!

Frasier: Welcome to "The Wine Corner." I hope you're as excited about this new program as I am. I offer myself as sherpa, a guide, if you will, to lead you through the labyrinth of vintages and wine lists, chateaus and bodegas, and take you hopefully to a whole new level of sophistication...
[later:]
Frasier: In summary, Linda, the year listed on the bottle is not an expiration date. So that wine from 1997 should be perfectly safe to drink.