Andy: What's with all the boxes?
Ray: Oh, this is my stuff. Deb and l... It ain't happening.
Andy: Oh, that's too bad. Mind if I call her?
Debra: It's a charity drive for the needy, Andy.
Andy: Oh, great. What can I have?
Debra: It's not for the emotionally needy.

Ray: Do me a favor? I've been paying the bills for the last couple of weeks. I got this from the electric company. Take a look at that.
Andy: They're turning off your service.
Ray: Yeah. Why? I don't get it. I paid all this stuff six weeks ago.
Andy: Can I ask you something? Why are you handling the checkbook? Did Debra leave you?
Ray: Uh, Debra, she's made such a big deal about paying the bills. I'm trying to show her it doesn't have to be that complicated.
Andy: Well, no electricity is less complicated. You're like the Amish now.

Ray: Pretty incredible, huh?
Andy: Yeah, if Mickey really signed it.
Ray: What are you talking about?
Andy: Didn't you see that thing on 60 Minutes? All this signed stuff is, like, 70% fake. Like back then the trainers would sign all the balls.
Robert: You know I saw that. Raymond this may not be real. That's a shame.
Ray: Yeah, right. Dad got this for me himself. All right?
Andy: Maybe Morley Safer's wrong. [Robert chuckles]

Andy: So none of these are real massages?
Kevin: Andy, why would a real masseuse have a black bar across her eyes?
Ray: You know why? The black matches her whip.
Andy: So all of this is sex?
Kevin: Yes, it's sex!
Andy: And these prices are very reasonable.

Andy: [mocking] Roy's calling. I'm on TV with Roy. Roy Firestone.
Ray: You're not a little jealous, are you?
Andy: No, I'm not jealous. So Kevin does the play-by-play for the Mets and I'm just his humpbacked staff guy. You know what? Without me, he wouldn't know what to say. He'd open up his mouth, and meat would fall out.

Kevin: It's 30 minutes. It's the easiest money ever made.
Andy: Easier than the $40 he got when you couldn't do seven push-ups?
Kevin: It was ten, Andy. I couldn't do ten push-ups.
Andy: It doesn't matter because you stopped after two.

Gianni: Ray, very classy. Pay-per-view and dates.
Andy: Do I pick them, or do they pick me?

Ray: Marie, I'm sure Ray's friends are not interested in Tupperware.
Andy: Actually, I could use some new ice trays. My cubes smell.

Ray: I don't know why it has to be so hard, Andy, you know? I mean, we're married for eight years. It should get easier. It should be, "You awake?", boom.
Andy: I'm the wrong guy to talk to about women. Even my fantasies just want to be friends.

Andy: Hey, Erin, you're a woman.
Erin: Thanks.
Andy: Come here. Have a seat. We gotta talk to you about something.
Ray: Don't, Andy.
Erin: No, it's okay, I'll talk to him. It's Christmas.
Andy: Thank you, Erin. Our question is this: Why can't I score? What the helI's with you people? Why do women look at me like I'm some kind of homunculus?