Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I wanted to be free from AP class, my father wanted a free TV.
Julius: Hi. How you doing?
Salesman: Hey.
Julius: I'm here to pick up a TV set I won.
Salesman: Oh, okay, I just need to see some ID to make sure your name's on the list.
Julius: Okay. Those TVs are nice.
Salesman: Yeah. Oh, we got you. Okay, Julius, just sign right here. Okay, great, that's everything.
Julius: All right.
Salesman: You're under arrest!
Julius: What? What am I under arrest for?
Salesman: Thirty unpaid parking tickets from 1982!
Julius: Parking tickets?!
Salesman: Yeah, maybe next time you'll think twice before you try and cheat New York City out of a quarter!
Julius: Does this mean I don't get the free TV?
Salesman: Get him the hell out of here!

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I faced humiliation with the Academic Scholastathon Team, my father faced something worse: my mother.
Rochelle: Parking tickets, Julius? I'm trying to get us into Hansel and Gretel and now I got to get you out of jail?
Julius: I paid those tickets with one money order. Look, I even have the receipt right here. We can straighten this out when we get to court. I don't understand why they didn't get my money order.
[flashback to the Department of Corrections:]
Woman: I'm damned if I ain't getting time off for my wedding! You want me to file the money orders?! I'll file the money orders, Julius! [lights the bucket on fire] [explosion]

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My Academic Scholastathon performance was pure luck. Unfortunately, my mother thought it was pure genius.
Rochelle: Chris, how come you didn't tell me your were on the Athletic Scholastathon Team?
Chris: 'Cause I didn't want to jinx my match.
Rochelle: Well, you may not want to brag, but I do. Now, I got to tell everybody to come to your next match.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She told my family, our friends, our neighbors...
Rochelle: [on the phone] Kill Moves?!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Judge Watkins!
Rochelle: [on the phone] Yes, Judge Watkins, you have to come see him
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Pretty much everybody on Earth. And even a few people not on Earth.
[fantasy:]
Russian Cosmonaut: Mission control, there is a Black woman outside of the Space Station.
Rochelle: Hey! Come see my son in the Academic Scholastathon! He's really smart. He gets it from me!

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Everybody there wanted to see me in the Academic Scholastathon... except me.

Moderator: The questions today will be on the conjugation of Lithuanian verbs.
Hiroshima Team Member: Oh, yes!
Moderator: First question to the champions of last week, Tattaglia. What is the pluperfect of the verb dirbit?
Chris: I don't know.
Kill Moves: Who doesn't know dirba?
Moderator: Hiroshima High?
Hiroshima Team Member: Dirba.
Moderator: Correct. Let's try another question.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After that, I came down quicker than Milli Vanilli after the lip sync scandal.
Moderator: Tattaglia?
Chris: I don't know.
Moderator: Hiroshima?
Hiroshima Team Member: Matea.
Moderator: Tattaglia?
Chris: I don't know.
Hiroshima Team Member: Suprasti.
Chris: I got nothing.
Hiroshima Team Member: Pirkti.
Chris: I don't know.
Hiroshima Team Member: Atsibosti.
Chris: Wilt Chamberlain?
Hiroshima Team Member: Zvimbti.
Moderator: Correct! And that is the final question. And the winner with a perfect score of 34 to nothing: Hiroshima High!

Rochelle: I hope this doesn't hurt our chances for getting into Hansel and Gretel.
Judge Watkins: Oh, your chances aren't hurt.
Rochelle: Oh, thank God.
Judge Watkins: They're destroyed. Decimated, obliterated, annihilated.
Rochelle: Okay, okay! I get it.
Judge Watkins: Rochelle, your kid's an idiot. [chuckles] You nearly had me at the mixer.
Tonya: I knew Chris was an idiot.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After decapitating the Academic Scholastathon, I was never so happy to be sad.
Rochelle: You okay, baby?
Chris: Mom, I know how much you wanted us to be in Hansel and Gretel. So, I'm sorry I messed up.
Rochelle: Baby, if they think this family's not good enough to join their stupid club, then forget them.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Bet they'd beg me to join now!
Chris: I'm proud of you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even though I lied and cheated?
Chris: Thanks, Mom.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Having my mother believe in me when I was wrong was one of the reasons that I always wanted to do right.
Rochelle: Hey, did you ever get those PSAT scores back?
Chris: Oh, um, I'll get them to you tomorrow.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I was planning to settle my score, my mother and father had to settle a case.
Judge Watkins: Case 765443.
Julius: That's me.
Judge Watkins: All right, I see you have a complaint regarding a series of unpaid parking tickets.
Judge Watkins: Oh, no, not you. What- What are you, following me around?
Rochelle: You think I want to be here?
Judge Watkins: Say the wrong thing and you'll get locked up faster than a door with Jehovah's Witnesses coming.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Just joking, witnesses. We love you guys!

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back home it appeared that both jail and the PSATs were behind us.
Drew: So you screamed at the judge?
Chris: Cool!
Tonya: What happened after that?
Julius: The money I was going to save by winning the case I had to spend to bail your mother out of jail.