Rochelle: Everybody, be quiet. I'll leave the message. [tapes] Hello. Thank you for calling. No one is available to take your call right now. At the sound of the tone, please leave...
Julius: It's a beep.
Rochelle: What's the difference?
Julius: Some people are tone-deaf, but nobody's beep-deaf.
Rochelle: Fine.

Chris: Well, I just got assigned my Brother from Another Mother today. Hope it's not a big hassle.
Greg: Wish I had one. I'd love to be a mentor. To form a lifelong bond, to know if I never did another thing in my life, I'd have made a difference in this world.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Which is why Greg had the happiest pet turtle.
Chris: Why don't you sign up?
Greg: I own a camera.

Julius: I wonder who that was.
Rochelle: Do you?
Chris: Should we go upstairs?
Julius: No.
Tonya: Did you get fired from your job, Daddy?
Julius: No.
Drew: Did you get fired from your other job?
Julius: No.
Rochelle: Then who was that on the phone?
Julius: I don't know. They didn't leave a message.
Rochelle: Why not?
Julius: I don't know.
Rochelle: Well, if nothing's wrong, why are you bringing me flowers?
Julius: I'm just trying to treat you the way I would want to be treated if I was married to me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now legal in California.

Chris: Hey, so does anybody know a kid from around here named Cleavon Barris?
Rochelle: No, why?
Chris: I got signed up for that Brother from Another Mother program, and they said he lives around here, but I ain't never met him.
Rochelle: Julius, do you know of a child from another mother around here named...
Julius: Cleavon Barris? No.
Drew: You remembered his name pretty quick.
Tonya: Yeah, it'd be better to tell now if you do.
Julius: I don't. I brought flowers for your mother because I love her. Is that so hard to believe?
All: Yeah.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And with that, my father was the first man The Oprah Show ever got in trouble.

Rochelle: Vanessa's out for a week? I wonder why she didn't call me.
Pam: Well, I tried calling you last night to let you know I was filling in, but, um, I must've had the wrong number, 'cause some White lady answered the phone, and I just hung up.
Rochelle: Oh, no. That was me. See, we got a new answering machine, and that's my phone voice.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Phone voice, White voice. Same thing.

Julius: Hey, baby.
Rochelle: Who the hell is Oprah?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That was the last time those words were ever spoken.
Julius: Baby, I...
Rochelle: Uh-uh. Before you explain, I want you to listen so we're very clear on what you need to tell me.
Jerome: [on answer machine] Hey, little dude's father from across the street. Man, I just saw Oprah today. You were right, that's a bad woman. Anyway, I'll talk to you later.
Julius: Baby, Oprah is a talk show host.
Rochelle: You're supposed to be working two jobs and sleeping during the day. Exactly when do you have time and where do you go to meet this talk show host?
Julius: I don't know her. I- I watch her. She's in Chicago. She's on every day. Look. Every day. See?

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While my father was getting our answering machine stolen, I was getting my picture taken.
Ms. Morello: I'm so proud. Every single one of you completed his community service. Way to go, Chris. The ghetto owes you one.

Rochelle: Michael, what you doing here?
Michael: I come to see my baby. Pam.
Pam: Hmm?
Michael: These are for you.
Pam: Oh, so sweet. What are these for?
Michael: I'm just trying to treat you the way I would want to be treated if I was trying to date me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Then why didn't you bring her a greasy bucket of gizzards?
Pam: That is the sweetest thing I ever heard.
Michael: I'm gonna see you later tonight for dinner?
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Michael: Smoked pork chop?
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Michael: Everything?
Pam: Yeah.
Michael: Mmm, sweet. Hey, Chelle, tell Big Man I said "Big Man!" Don't forget the rice, now, baby.

Mr. Perkins: Do you own photographic equipment?
Chris: No.
Mr. Perkins: Where do you keep your photographic equipment?
Chris: I don't have any photographic equipment.
Mr. Perkins: Have you ever sold any of your photographs?
Chris: I don't have any photographs.
Mr. Perkins: Suppose you did. Where would you keep them?
Chris: I don't own a camera or any photographs.
Mr. Perkins: If your Brother from Another Mother came to your house, what room would you spend the most time in?
Chris: The living room, I guess.
Mr. Perkins: Correct. How's your relationship with your father?
Chris: Fine.
Mr. Perkins: Where does your father keep his photographic equipment?

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I already had a younger brother from the same mother. The last thing I wanted was one from another mother.
Mr. Perkins: Being a Brother from Another Mother is a huge responsibility. Your influence is molding a mind, changing the course of a life.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You could say the same thing about crack.
Chris: Okay. I'm proud to do it.
Mr. Perkins: That said, I need to evaluate your suitability for this organization.
Chris: No problem.
Mr. Perkins: Are you sexually active?
Chris: No.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now that I'm married, the answer's still the same.