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Everybody Hates Funerals

‘Everybody Hates Funerals’

Season 1, Episode 17 -  Aired March 23, 2006

After Rochelle's father, Gene (Jimmie Walker), dies at their dinner table, Rochelle's family gathers for the funeral. Chris stands up to Rochelle's mother, Maxine (Loretta Devine), who keeps criticizing her daughter.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] You can't really believe you're getting married until you buy that tux. And you can't really believe somebody is dead until you've got to buy them a casket.
Mr. Omar: Now, we have several models. This one right over here, top of the line. Made of mahogany has silk lining over goose-down bedding and a night light.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I guess that's in case the dead want to read.


Quote from Rochelle

Julius: I can't believe Gene is gone.
Tonya: I can't believe he never finished that joke.
Chris: I'm never eating pork chops again.
Drew: I can't believe he died sitting right here.
Rochelle: Well, everybody has to die someplace. Now eat your eggs.
Tonya: I hate eggs. Can I have some toast?
Rochelle: Sure, Tonya. No problem.
Drew: Hey, Mom, uh, do I have to go to school today?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Usually, the only death that could keep us out of school was our own.

Quote from Greg

Greg: Man, your grandfather died? That's rough. I had a parakeet that died once. I cried for three weeks.
Chris: My mom is acting really strange.
Greg: You mean strange like...
[fantasy: Rochelle is out on the street wearing a shower cap and a chicken customer:]
Rochelle: There's a TV in my head! Please, just make it go away!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even the crackheads would be scared of that.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Hi, Mama. You look good.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's my grandmother, Maxine. She was the only woman who could out-snob my mother.
Maxine: Your hair smells funny. Are you still using that cheap perm? Dark and Lovely? Look at mine. It's beautiful. It's beautiful, isn't it?
Rochelle: Good to see you too, Mama.

Quote from Michael

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My Uncle Michael was almost 40 and never had a job. He put the "um" in "bum."
Rochelle: How you doing?
Michael: Hey, sis, how you doing?
Rochelle: Good.
Michael: Y'all got something to eat?
Rochelle: Yeah, we just...
[Uncle Michael drops his suitcases and pushes past Rochelle]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I think he saw a job chasing him.

Quote from Rochelle

Maxine: Julius, shouldn't you be at work already?
Julius: Hey, you know I'm on my way. I just came by to say hi real quick. How are you?
Maxine: Well as can be expected. You know, Gene and I were married for 40 years.
Julius: I hope Rochelle and me make it that far.
Maxine: The way she keeps this house, I'm surprised you haven't left already.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My grandmother always criticized everything my mother did.
Rochelle: Mama, you like my coat? It's all leather.
Maxine: Oh feels rubbery. Feel mine. Italian ["Eye-talian"] leather.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since my father was working extra hours and my mother wasn't being herself, I decided to pick up the slack the best way I knew how.
Chris: Tonya, you go make up your bed. Drew, you clean up in here. Sitting in here playing cards...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] [Chris picks up a pair of underpants from the bathroom floor] This was going to be harder than I thought.
Chris: [to Uncle Michael] Turn that mess down! You trying to make everyone in the house deaf? Take your feet off the table.

Quote from Rochelle

Maxine: Rochelle, tomorrow, we're going to the funeral home to pick out a casket. Please dress presentably. I don't want him to think that we can't afford a decent casket.
Rochelle: Sure, Mama.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Chris, you know you're going to have to apologize to your grandmother.
Chris: How come? She's the one who's been mean to Mom.
Julius: She's hurting, Chris, and your mother is, too. I know you're trying to protect your mother, but trust me, you do not want to get between the two of them. You ain't gonna win that one. I'm already going to one funeral. I ain't trying to go to another one.
Chris: Well, then what do I do?
Julius: Do what I do: nothing. Things will work out. All right? Apologize.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: Well, Mama, what about the blue one?
Mr. Omar: Oh, now, the blue one is nice.
Maxine: Well, I don't like it.
Mr. Omar: She don't like that one.
Maxine: It's a coffin, not an Oldsmobile. I like that one.
Mr. Omar: Good taste.
Julius: Uh, Maxine, that costs a lot of money.
Mr. Omar: Now, we got payment plans.
Julius: Well, can we put it in my father-in-law's name?
Mr. Omar: Well... no.
Julius: I didn't think so.

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