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Everybody Hates Funerals

‘Everybody Hates Funerals’

Season 1, Episode 17 - Aired March 23, 2006

After Rochelle's father, Gene (Jimmie Walker), dies at their dinner table, Rochelle's family gathers for the funeral. Chris stands up to Rochelle's mother, Maxine (Loretta Devine), who keeps criticizing her daughter.

Quote from Rochelle

[Gene appears next to Rochelle while she looks at old photographs and eats her chocolate turtles:]
Gene: I always hated that picture. It made me look like I got smacked in the head with a brick.
Rochelle: Oh, hi, Daddy. You want a Turtle?
Gene: No, but how you doing?
Rochelle: I'm okay. Mama's getting on my last nerve.
Gene: Oh, she can do that. She used to get on my nerves, too. You know, just because I'm dead doesn't mean you have to let her push you around. And if she tries to do that, you smack her in the head with that brick. [Rochelle laughs]

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Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] By the day of the funeral, there was still one thing left to fight over: who gets to ride in the limo.
[Maxine, Rochelle race ahead of the pack as everyone rushes for the limousine]
Maxine: Who are you, and what are you doing in here?
Monay: Hey, I'm Monay, this is Iisha, and this is Tiki. We saw the limo so we had to hop in it. Where y'all about to go?
Rochelle: A funeral.
Monay: Oh, I'm sorry. Who died?
Maxine: My husband.
Monay: Okay, well, when y'all get back, and if y'all not taking the limo can we take it to the club?
Rochelle: Okay.

Quote from Julius

Julius: How you doing?
Rochelle: I'm fine.
Julius: I brought you your Turtles.
Rochelle: Yay, Turtles. Thank you.
Julius: I'm proud of you for standing up to your mother. You had me worried there for a minute.
Rochelle: Why?
Julius: I thought you were about to smack her with a brick. [Rochelle laughs]

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: [to Grievey] It's so good seeing you, girl. Yes, yes. You take care. You owe me some Kleenex.
Michael: See you later, sis; thanks for all the chicken and things.
Rochelle: All right, and stay out of them pretzels. Bye.
Maxine: So... [sighs] Did he say anything before he died?
Rochelle: Who, Daddy?
Maxine: No, Martin Luther King. Yes, your father. Did he mention me?
Rochelle: No, he just asked for more pork chops.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I know what you're thinking: "She should have lied." But actually, the truth was better.
Maxine: Figures.

Quote from Rochelle

Maxine: I liked the flowers.
Rochelle: You liked them?
Maxine: I guess so.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I know that doesn't seem like much of an apology after everything that's happened, but here's what she really meant to say.
[fantasy:]
Maxine: Baby, I am so proud of you.
Rochelle: I know.
Maxine: Oh, you are doing a wonderful job.
Rochelle: I know!
Maxine: I wish my no-good son would stand up for me the way your son stood up for you.
Rochelle: I know!
Maxine: And your father... Oh, he would be so proud of you.
Rochelle: I know! Well, Mama, why are you so damn mean?
Maxine: I don't know. And baby, your hair, it don't stink.
Rochelle: I know.

Quote from Rochelle

Chris: That's all of it.
Rochelle: Oh, thank you, baby.
Chris: I'm really going to miss him, Mom.
Rochelle: Me, too, Chris. Me, too.
[After Chris walks out of the kitchen:]
Rochelle: [o.s.] Chris, get in here and pick up this yo-yo! My father died, for goodness sake, and now you're trying to kill me, too!

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] But there was one person who always put my mother in a good mood.
Rochelle: Daddy!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother loved her daddy, and we did, too.
Rochelle: Oh, where's Mama?
Gene: Oh, I left her at the hair dresser. Where are them grandkids of mine? Where they at? Hey!

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My grandfather was a great storyteller.
Gene: And he didn't think I was playing when I smacked him in the head with that brick. [all laugh] Until this day, when I go in there, my food is free.
Drew: Oh, man, do you have any more good jokes?
Greg: Do I got any more good jokes? Come on, now! Knock, knock.
Chris: Who's there?
Gene: Pass me them pork chops.
Drew: Pass me them pork chops who?
Gene: No, pass me them pork chops right there.
Rochelle: He got you!
Gene: I ain't playing with you.

Quote from Rochelle

Tonya: What's the rest of the joke, Grandpa?
Gene: Ooh! Okay, knock, knock.
Chris: Who's there?
Gene: Oh, Lordy.
Chris: Oh, Lordy who? [all laugh]
Gene: I'm dying. [all laugh]
Rochelle: I'm dying who?
Gene: I'm having a heart... [collapses]
Tonya: You're having a heart who?
Rochelle: Daddy? Daddy. Daddy?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I never did find out who was there.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Chris, do you want to stay home from school today?
Chris: No, I have a quiz.
Julius: Can I stay home, too?
Rochelle: Sure.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I didn't know what was wrong with my mother, but at that moment, all I could think of doing was this.
[fantasy: Chris slaps his mother:]
Chris: Snap out of it, woman!
[reality:]
Rochelle: Well, everybody have a nice day. [hums] [exits]
Tonya: That was weird.

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