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Everybody Hates Basketball

‘Everybody Hates Basketball’

Season 1, Episode 3 - Aired October 6, 2005

Nobody is more surprised than Chris when he is picked for the basketball team. Meanwhile, Julius and Rochelle rent out a room upstairs.

Quote from Rochelle

Chris: I'm sorry I flunked off the team, Dad.
Rochelle: You're not off the team yet.
Chris: What?
Rochelle: Lucky for you, your coach got you a make-up quiz.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Damn!
Julius: That's what I'm talking about.
Rochelle: So, after dinner, go upstairs and study. Because if you don't pass that quiz, I'm going to score 40 on your behind.

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Quote from Chris

Greg: I mean, I can't blame you. If I were you I'd probably do the same thing. Hey, I think I aced the quiz.
Chris: I know I failed it.
Greg: Wait, but doesn't that mean you can't play ball?
Chris: I wish. Coach Brady found out and he got me a make-up. My mom made me study all night. And if I don't pass, she will kill me.
Greg: But if you do play everybody's going to hate you.
Chris: Not everybody. Just everybody on the team... everybody who likes the team... and everybody else.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I decided to fail the test on purpose. Whatever my mother might do to me, at least there wasn't 400 of her.
Ms. Martella: You passed.
Chris: What?! Hold on, let me see this. Every answer on this paper is wrong.
Ms. Martella: You are on the basketball team, right?
Chris: Yeah, but what does that have to do with anything?
Ms. Martella: Good luck at the game, Swish.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Another life secret: Black man plus basketball equals a C-plus.

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: I passed. [cheers]
Coach Brady: Way to go, baby! Way to go!
All: Swish, Swish, Swish...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I bet this is how Milli Vanilli must have felt when they were walking up to accept their Grammy.

Quote from Julius

Tate: I gave you six months rent.
Julius: I know. You've been here three days. [gets out the rent money]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You don't know how much that's killing him right now. I'm crying just looking at him.
Julius: That's 450 divided by 30... 15.
Rochelle: Julius, you counted it ten times. Look, you got to get your spooky ass out of here. Come on, Julius.
Julius: I'm sorry.
Rochelle: Julius!
Julius: I'll be back for my change.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Turns out my mother was right. Mr. Tate wasn't from Philly. He was wanted in so many states for so many crimes that when they caught him they had to let 30 guys go.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Joey Caruso: Nice game, Raj. The one chance you have to make yourself useful and you blew it. I'd punch you if you didn't stink so bad.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Hey, how come you didn't come to the game?
Greg: I felt bad not being there, but I would have felt worse seeing you miss all those shots, trip over the ball and pass to the other team.
Chris: You sure you weren't there?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The good thing about hanging out with nerds was they were happy to hang out with anybody.

Quote from Chris

Greg: B-plus. Cool.
Chris: Wait a second. I thought I had a C-plus.
Ms. Martella: I thought you were on the team.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The toughest thing about going to a new school was making friends. At my old school, there were tons of kids just like me. But at Corleone, I didn't fit in anywhere. Not with the jocks, not with the smart kids, not with the troublemakers... and definitely not with the theater crowd. Look at him dance. He went on to become the first Laker Boy. The only group I fit in with were the nerds.
Boy: Yeah! [Caruso steals his Rubik's Cube] Hey! Give it back.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What'd he say that for? [Caruso throws the Rubik's Cube at the kid's head] Maybe theater isn't so bad.

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