Lilith: Now, now. You two... Perhaps a page from Frasier's and my personal history will calm the waters. Woody, Kelly. I am Jewish and Frasier is Episcopalian. Now originally, we feared this might cause conflict in our marriage. But then we learned to compromise, even in the raising of our son, Frederick. We make sure he experiences both sides of his religious heritage.
Frasier: As usual, my darling wife is right. Frederick goes to synagogue every Friday night. He delights in hiding matzos at Passover. The family celebrates Hanukkah. Meanwhile, Christmas comes and goes without so much as a tree. Odd, really, because a Christmas tree isn't even symbolic of Christianity. But apparently it threatens Lilith's Jewish faith. Look out, everybody! A fir tree! 5,000-year-old religion and Frasier Crane's going to bring it down with a four-foot tree and some tinsel!

Norm: Hey, hey, hey, hey, Carla, let me get this straight. You're really not going back to Cheers?
Carla: I know it's a lousy job, Norm, but for the amount of money they're throwing at me, it's nothing I can't take.
Bartender: Carla, uh, I'm gonna put a new trainee with you for the next two weeks. She's a bright girl. She's, uh, an anthropology student at B.U. Ellen! Ellen, come meet Carla.
Ellen: Well, you must be Carla. I know what you're thinking: "She doesn't look like a waitress." That's because I'm really a writer. Or actuellement, a poetess.
Carla: [screams]

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Sam: Hey, Norm. Gettin' ready for the big opening.
Norm: It's right here, Sammy. Start pouring beer in it anytime.

Norm: Listen, I guess we have to start a new tab, huh? It's too bad we lost my old bar tab in the fire.
Sam: Oh. Actually, I- I had it in the safe.
Norm: You did?
Sam: Mm-hmm.
Norm: Why?
Sam: Well, to tell the truth, it's kind of my most valuable asset. I like to think of it as my- my retirement plan, you know. I figure, one of these days, you'll start paying and I can start thinking about retiring.
Norm: Yeah, well, um, I'd make other plans.

Cliff: Boy, oh, boy! [both chuckle] This place have enough neon or what?
Norm: Yeah, it looks like the inside of a UFO in here.
Cliff: No, actually, Norm, they're quite different. ... I guess.

Cliff: Boy, poor Carla, huh? I'd hate to have a job like that. Wearing a dorky uniform out in the public all day. There but for the grace of God, Norm.

Kelly: Hi, everyone.
Frasier: Kelly, I admire you for coming.
Kelly: Well, I believe a marriage is worth saving.
Woody: Well, that's not all she believes. Ask her why she believes the Book of Concord and the Scriptures are on the same level. Go ahead, ask her.
Kelly: Because they're not.
Woody: [imitates buzzer] Ask her why the sacraments are considered vehicles of grace. Go ahead, I dare you.
Kelly: They're symbolic memorials.
Woody: Heretic!

Kelly: Well, Mr. Missouri Synod, you demanded to see me?
Woody: Yeah, Kelly, uh, would you please sit down here? Something very important to tell you. Listen, uh, what's gone on these last few days has affected me very deeply. I love you, Kelly. That's why I'm now a member of The Evangelical Lutheran Church of America, just like you.
Kelly: Oh, Woody! You've saved our marriage! What a wonderful sacrifice. Now when we die and go to heaven, we won't be separated by barbed wire and barking dogs.

Tim: I just heard the news. You had a fire?
Sam: Yeah. A couple weeks ago.
Tim: Gee, the place looks great.
Sam: Yeah, thanks a lot. We've been working pretty hard. We've got our grand reopening tonight.
Tim: So how'd the fire start?
Sam: Oh, yeah, glad you asked. Sit down. Right there. Right there, yeah. [chuckles] [knocks on his office door] Rebecca! Right over there.
Rebecca: I burned down the bar with a carelessly tossed cigarette. It was a stupid thing to do and I will be paying for it for the rest of my life. [exits]
Paul: [enters] Hey, Sammy, you did a great job on the rebuilding. The place looks a million times better than it did before.
Sam: Yeah. Thanks, Paul.
Alan: Uh, Sammy, uh, Paul told me all about the fire. Gee, that's tough, man.
Sam: Oh, yeah, thank you. Oh, you want to hear how it started?
Alan: Yeah, sure. Yeah!
Sam: Great, great. Sit down right over there. [knocks on his office door] Rebecca! Right over there in the sweater, go ahead.
Rebecca: I burned down the bar with a carelessly tossed cigarette. It was a stupid thing to do and I will be paying for it for the rest of my life.

Sam: Look at this place, huh? Can't wait to see how surprised Carla's gonna be when she sees how much work we've done in the last couple of weeks.
Frasier: Say, where is Carla, anyway?
Sam: Oh, she, uh, took a temporary job over in that new bar in Boylston, you know, "Mr. Pubb's", one of those chains. She'll be here for the grand opening, though.
Cliff: Yeah, well, l, for one, don't miss her that little foul-mouthed, fright-wigged rodent.
Norm: Hi, Carla.
Cliff: [screams]