Norm: Is this the first wedding ever in Cheers, Coach?
Coach: No, Frankie Flaherty got married in this bar, Norm. Yep, he met Janet right there in that corner, he proposed to her here, right in front of me, they got married there, had their first fight up by the piano, she caught him in the poolroom with a woman, shot him dead in the alley.
Cliff: Oh, that's an incredible story, really.
Coach: Want to know where he's buried?
Norm: Where?
Coach: He ain't. He's cremated.
Norm: Thank God!
Coach: Here's his ashes.

Helen: All right, that's it. We're making a mockery of marriage and it's all my fault. There'll be no wedding here today. Not between the two of you.
Diane: Fine.
Sam: Fine.
Diane: I hate your guts and I always will.
Sam: Yeah, well, that goes double for me.
Norm: I understand they wrote their own vows.

Diane: Well, I don't believe this.
Sam: What now?
Diane: That was my mother on the phone. She just flew into town and she's coming over here.
Sam: No kidding. We finally get to meet her.
Diane: This is very strange.
Carla: That you have a mother?
Diane: No.
Carla: That you have a mother that wants to see you?

Coach: Diane, if your mom is anything like you are, everyone is going to love her.
Diane: Well, she's nothing like I am. She's very eccentric and a little hard to take at times.
Carla: Oh, yeah, worlds apart.

Cliff: Uh, Diane, if your mother's so rich, how come you're not?
Diane: I didn't want that money. I didn't want to go through life being handed money on a silver tray.
Glen: [gives Diane his tip on a silver tray] For you.
Diane: Thank you.

Diane: So, if I'm not married by tomorrow, you'll be broke?
Helen: Oh, put your mind at ease. I'll never be broke. I'll either be rich or dead. The choice is yours.
Diane: Mother, you're seriously asking me to get married?
Diane: Well, my attorneys have assured me that it need be in name only, just for a few days. There's no other way.
Diane: Well, this is the craziest thing Father ever did.
Helen: Not even close, dear.

Boggs: Excuse me, madam. I dropped the bags off at the hotel.
Helen: Thank you.
Diane: Nice to see you, Boggs.
Boggs: I'd be honoured if you'd consent to be my wife.
Helen: I said "in a pinch", Boggs. Now wait over there.
Boggs: Yes, madam.

Helen: Diane, is this true? How about the two of you?
Diane: I'd rather marry Boggs.
Boggs: I could make you very happy.
Diane: I'm sorry, Boggs. That's just a figure of speech.
Boggs: Thank you, miss.

Diane: Sam?
Sam: What?
Diane: May I speak with you a moment? Uh... Uh... I might as well come to the point.
Sam: That'd be nice.
Diane: Would you be willing to marry me?
Sam: Boy, this cologne must be doing its stuff, you know.

Diane: You see, my very eccentric father put a very strange clause into his will. Providing that if I'm not married by tomorrow, my mother will become destitute. So, if you and I could get married, just long enough to satisfy the attorneys, it would really help her out and I would consider it a favor.
Sam: I'd consider it a joke. Diane, marriage and me do not mix.
Diane: No, it's not marriage. It's a business arrangement. Just for a couple of days and then we'll get divorced.
Sam: Listen, I've been married before. You haven't. Now, just take my word, marriage changes people. There's not a woman in the world who can stand up there and hear those words and not start believing it.
Diane: Well, that's a very sexist thing to say.
Sam: No, no, no. It's not sexist because no man can resist it either.
Diane: Why, Sam, that's a very romantic thing to say.
Sam: The difference is, with men, they get over it in an hour. With women, it kind of goes on for years.
Diane: If you're worried about me, I'm only doing this for my mother.
Sam: Yeah, right.
Diane: I promise you that I will not feel any emotions toward you.
Sam: Look, I learned a long time ago never to trust anybody wearing a wedding gown, especially a woman.