Diane: You're taking this all too personally and you shouldn't. It's just Mommy doesn't like bars.
Norm: Well, bars can be very sad places. Some people spend their whole lives in a bar. Just yesterday, some guy sat right here next to me for 11 hours.
Cliff: Yeah, what kind of a life is that?
Norm: Well, it's pitiful. You know, the sad thing is, you know that guy will be sitting in a bar somewhere right now, drinking a beer, going on and on about nothing.

Sam: I just want to say it's nice to finally meet you, Mrs. Chambers.
Helen: It's nice to meet you, Sam. Diane's told me about you. You're almost as handsome as she says you think you are.
Sam: There's a compliment in there someplace, I'm sure.

Helen: Darling, think hard. There's so little time. Don't you know anyone who'd be willing to marry you for a few days?
Diane: Well, I'm afraid there's no one that I'm steadily dating at the moment.
Carla: Excuse me, rich lady. You know, I couldn't help overhearing your problems. Your daughter has a hot thing for the bartender.
Diane: I do not!
Helen: She likes Red? He's dumb enough to be your father.
Carla: Not him. Sam.
Diane: I care nothing. I feel nothing. Sam who?
Carla: Hey, come off it. You know, we've all noticed how you two go around, looking at each other like lovesick cows. Admit it. He's got you steaming under the silks.
Diane: This happens to be my mother.
Carla: Well, that's why I'm being delicate.

Norm: Tell me, how come you never got married?
Cliff: Well, Norm, Coach, it's unfair to ask a woman to be the wife of a mailman. You know, watching him get up every morning, strapping on that old mailbag, going out and hitting those mean streets, never knowing whether he's coming back or not.
Norm: Pfft. You're right. Somewhere out there is a beagle with your name on it, right?

Norm: [enters] Howdy, sports fans.
All: Norm!
Coach: What'll it be, Norm?
Norm: Fame, fortune, fast women.
Coach: Yeah? How about a beer?
Norm: Even better.

Diane: Thank you for changing your mind.
Sam: You're welcome. I wanted to help out.
Diane: What you're doing is very noble.
Sam: Well, thank you. Where do you want to go on our honeymoon?
Diane: I should've known. As usual, Mr. Malone has his brains caught in his zipper.

Sam: Boy, that guy sure chewed your ear off there, Coach.
Coach: Yeah, but what a nice guy, Sam. Hey, you know something? That's the first person I ever met that was actually on the Titanic, Sam.
Sam: He survived the Titanic?
Coach: I forgot to ask.
Sam: Coach, why didn't you call me over? I would've loved to hear that story.
Coach: Well, jeez, Sam, I figured you'd heard it. A big boat, it hit an iceberg. Bang! Down it went.
Sam: Listen, from now on, when you hear an interesting story like that, call me over. It's one of the joys of bartending.
Coach: You want to hear interesting? Forget the Titanic. Come here. Glen. Glen, tell him what you told me earlier. Go ahead.
Glen: I know all the words to the Bonanza theme song.
Coach: Go ahead. Let him hear it.
Glen: [sings] We got a right To pick a little fight, Bonanza! If anyone fights any one of us He's gotta fight with me We're not a one To settle up and run, Bonanza! Any one of us starts a little fight Knows he can trust on me One for four, four for one, This we guarantee One for four, four for one...

Coach: Sammy, please, I'd be proud to be your best man.
Sam: Oh, I'm honored, Coach. Thank you.
Coach: You know, the day Diane walked in here, I knew the two of you were going to get together, Sam.
Sam: Coach, this is just temporary.
Coach: Oh, I knew that, too.

Helen: There she is. My little baby.
Diane: Mommy.
Helen: Hello, darling. [they "air kiss"]
Carla: They didn't get near each other. How can anyone miss Diane's mouth?

Helen: So, this is a bar.
Diane: Yes. This is where I work. Um, let me introduce you. Mother, this is Sam, who wouldn't think of saying anything embarrassing in front of my mother, so he wisely says nothing.
Helen: How do you do?
Carla: Hi.
Diane: This is Carla Tortelli. She says even less than Sam and she's very busy. And down there we have Norman and his friend Cliff. They lost their tongues in the war. Oh, Ernie Pantusso, but you can call him Coach.
Coach: Or you can call me by my other nickname, Red.
Helen: Red?
Sam: Yeah, during his playing days, his team-mates called him Red.
Helen: Oh, because your hair was red?
Coach: Oh, no, ma'am. Because I read a book.
Diane: He's very sweet though. Very sweet.