Helen: We've got the licence.
Carla: What took you so long?
Sam: While I was there, I had to pay my water bill and registered my bicycle. You know what they're asking for a bicycle licence these days?
Diane: Sam, shut up.
Sam: Sorry, dear.

Helen: Excuse me. I think we should begin. Are you ready, Mr. Fiedler?
Mr. Fiedler: Oh, I'm ready. May I have the licence? The groom's name is Schwinn?
Sam: That's my bicycle licence.

Diane: Are you OK?
Sam: Fine. Fine.
Diane: It's just a business arrangement. I do appreciate it for Mommy's sake.
Sam: You're welcome. Just remember, no emotions.
Diane: If I feel anything romantic, I will run screaming from the room.
Sam: And I will clear a path for you.

Mr. Fiedler: Would the bride and groom come forward, please? We are gathered here in the presence of these witnesses for the purpose of uniting in matrimony, uh, Diane Chambers and Sam Malone. The contract of marriage is most solemn and not to be entered into lightly, but thoughtfully and seriously and with a deep realization of its obligations and responsibilities. Any two people who have come to this point clearly feel the love and joy that they find in one another can surmount whatever obstacles lie in their path. [Sam is distracted by a woman walking by] Sam, do you take...?
Diane: Do you mind?
Sam: What?
Diane: Never mind. I'm sorry, please go on.
Mr. Fiedler: Sam, do you take this woman-
Sam: What did I do?
Diane: I saw the leer.
Sam: Leer? Oh, come on, Diane.
Diane: Please. Please go on.
Mr. Fiedler: Sam, do you take this woman to be your lawful?
Sam: Hey, hey, she's a customer in my bar. I smiled, that's all. Go on.
Diane: She's a woman.
Sam: Well, I'll be darned, so she is.

Sam: Wait a minute. What's the big deal here? I mean, you're beginning to sound like my wife or something.
Diane: Excuse me. We are getting married. Now, I may not be asking for 50 years of love, honor and obey, but it would be nice if, during the ceremony, you didn't drool.
Sam: Boy, you know, you really are demanding. You know, I don't understand why you're trying to make me so crazy.
Diane: I don't understand why you have chosen this moment to demonstrate to everyone your utter lack of class.
Sam: Hey, look, I'm the one doing you the favor.
Diane: Well, don't do me any favors.
Helen: Children, please.
Sam: Oh, just butt out, Mom. You know, I'm begging to think this is the stupidest thing I ever did.
Diane: Stupidest thing? There is no stupidest thing you ever did. Everything you do is equally stupid.
Sam: Including not throwing you out when I saw your stupid face!
Mr. Fiedler: Sam, do you have the ring?
Sam & Diane: Shut up!

Helen: You know, 30 minutes ago, I was a wealthy woman and now I can't pay for these drinks.
Diane: Oh, don't worry about it. The drinks are on me.
Helen: I don't want your charity and I don't want your pity, but I will take your money.
Diane: Well, if it hadn't been for dear old Dad and his strange clause in the will, you would never have been in this predicament.
Helen: You mustn't think ill of your father. He was concerned. He loved you very much. You know that, don't you?
Diane: Yes, I guess I do.
Helen: And in a strange way, I think he loved me, too. Unfortunately, he loved a good joke more. Spencer, wherever you are tonight, I hope you're frying.

Boggs: I heard of your tragedy. I'd be honored if you'd consent to be my wife.
Helen: It's too late for that.
Boggs: No. I meant you, madam.
Helen: Why, Boggs, have you lost your mind? I mean, I've only accepted your familiarity over the years because I was afraid of class warfare.
Boggs: I am aware of that. However, in view of the developments in the last half an hour, our stations have, shall we say, grown a little closer. Now, then, Boggs Madam, it so happens, I have a considerable sum of money stashed away.
Helen: Really? Where did you get it, Boggs?
Boggs: From you and yours, madam. I've been embezzling from your family for close to a quarter of a century.
Helen: Why, Boggs, how clever of you. Exactly how much money do you have?
Boggs: As I recall my Emily Post, a lady does not ask her chauffeur how much he stole from her dead husband. Let us just say, I am very comfortable. Shall we go to dinner and talk about the future?
Diane: Bon appetit.
Helen: You know, Boggs, I must confess, I've always found the back of your head enormously attractive.
Boggs: I sensed it, madam. Uh, would you do me a favor, madam?
Helen: What's that?
Boggs: Would you drive?
Helen: Oh, kinky.

Cliff: How's the search for work, Norm?
Norm: I've got good news. Everybody, I'm no longer looking for a job. [cheers] I'm now begging for one. [cheers]

Diane: It's very nice of you to come all this way.
Helen: I thought so, too, but you know what tomorrow is?
Diane: No. What?
Helen: Your wedding day. Congratulations.
Diane: My what?
Helen: If you're not married before tomorrow, I lose my share of your father's estate.
Diane: My God! Why?
Helen: Darling, when he died, you were still a little gawky girl, with your nose in a book and a terrible facial tic. Your father was- Your father was worried that you would never find a mate, and that you would have a lonely life. So he made me promise that I would have you married ten years after the day he died. He even put it in his will. So, if you're still single, I'm cut off.
Diane: Well, why did you wait so long to tell me? Father's been dead ten years.
Helen: You know how time flies when you're having-
Diane: Grief.
Helen: Grief.