Cliff: Hey, here's a little-known fact. Now, most of you were probably under the assumption that basketball was invented in these United States, right?
Man: Yeah, James Naismith, Springfield College.
Cliff: I can see it's a good thing I showed up tonight. Basketball was invented thousands of years ago by the Mayans. They played it for centuries.
Man: Is that true?
Norm: Sure.
Cliff: Watch me get the Coach on this one. Coach, I got a question for you. Who invented basketball?
Coach: The Mayans.
Norm: Way to go, Coach.
Cliff: Where did you hear that?
Coach: Well, how should I know? There must've been a Mayan in here bragging about it.

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Diane: Norman.
Sam: What you up to, Norm?
Norm: My ears.
Coach: Want a beer, Norm?
Norm: Does a rag doll have cloth knobs?
Carla: There's a lady present, Norm.
Norm: Oh, sorry, Diane.

Sam: Sir? Save your quarter. That piano hasn't worked in 20 years.
Carla: Use the jukebox. It doesn't work either, but it's only a dime.
Norm: Sammy, why do you keep something around here that doesn't work?
Carla: Cos no-one else'll give her a job!

Coach: Boy, that was inspiring!
Carla: Sam, are you sure you didn't get that piano fixed?
Sam: I didn't get it fixed. Did you get it fixed?
Coach: Yeah, a couple of days ago, Sam. I meant to tell you about it but it slipped my mind.
Diane: Coach, why did you find it inspiring if you got the piano fixed?
Coach: Well, gee, Diane, that piano's been busted for what, twenty years? Why did I all of a sudden decide to get it fixed?
Norm: This would make a great bar story. Too bad we're all here.

Man: Excuse me.
Coach: Yes, sir?
Man: Can you check upstairs to see if the table's ready for the Phillips party?
Coach: Sure. Be glad to.
[Coach hums a tune as he walks over to the coat rack, takes off his apron and puts on a formal jacket. He disappears up stairs before coming back down, going to the coat rack to take the jacket off and put his apron back on. He walks back over to the table:]
Coach: What was the name again?
Man: Phillips.
Coach: Phillips!
[Coach hums as he walks back to the coat rack, remove his apron and puts the jacket on. Sam shares an embarrassed look with the patron. Coach stops momentarily before going upstairs to make sure he remembers the name.]

Coach: Sam, I got this one. Buzz. Buzz, I'm the fella you talked to this morning. I didn't recognize the uniform on the telephone. Come on. Let me show you the back room. It's in the back here. In the back.
Sam: I'm sorry about that. Can I get you something to drink back there?
Buzz Crowder: Oh, no, I don't drink. But keep plenty for the others. We got a lotta catching up to do. We meet in this bar every ten years to reminisce.
Coach: What war were you in there, Buzz?
Buzz Crowder: Oh, the First World War, of course.
Coach: Is that the one with Clark Gable or Gary Cooper?
Buzz Crowder: Wow! I'm 85. What's your excuse?
Coach: Baseball!

Carla: What you writing, Slats?
Diane: My thoughts.
Carla: That would explain all the blank pages.
Diane: Carla, I'm writing during the odd moments of the job, much as Jack London did.
Carla: Oh, was he a bad waitress, too?

Coach: You know, I once thought of being a priest.
Kevin: Oh, you're religious?
Coach: No, I just thought it'd be a nice, kind of peaceful life.
Kevin: Allow me to dispel your misconceptions.
Coach: [genuflects] Oh, thank you, Father.

Carla: What about your calling, Kevin?
Kelly: Oh, I never had a calling. I talked myself into believing that. I've always been an ordinary person. I thought that would make me special.
Norm: This guy's gonna discover forever is a long time to go between hayrides.
Carla: You're gonna turn your back on God because of sex? Believe me, sex is not that important. [the men groan] Well, it's not! It's not. Can sex make stars, or a tree or a rainbow? Can sex make an ocean or a newborn baby? Forget that one.

Diane: Poor Buzz. He's breaking my heart.
Coach: None of his old buddies showed, huh?
Diane: No. He's back there all by himself, throwing darts. He's been throwing darts now for an hour and a half.
Coach: Poor guy.
Sam: You know, I don't think they'll ever make a pack big enough to carry the loneliness of a soldier.
[Diane thinks for a moment and picks up her notebook]
Diane: Nah!