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‘The Spy Who Came In for a Cold One’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: The Spy Who Came In for a Cold One

112. The Spy Who Came In for a Cold One

Aired December 16, 1982

When an Englishman comes into the bar claiming to be a spy, Diane sees right through his ruse and embarrasses him.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: All right, here's a little-known fact. The smartest animal...
Norm: Yeah?
Cliff: ...is the pig.
Norm: What? They look pretty stupid.
Cliff: Yeah, your average oinker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Scientists say if a pig had thumbs and a language, he could be trained to do manual labor.
Norm: You mean they'd be part of the workforce?
Cliff: Yeah, yeah. They'd give you 30 years of loyal service, then at the retirement dinner, you could eat 'em.

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Quote from Sam

Diane: You bellowed?
Sam: Yeah. Yeah, I did. What are you trying to do?
Diane: I don't believe that guy's a spy for one minute. I think he's lying.
Sam: What? A customer in a bar is telling tall tales just to impress a waitress? Call 60 Minutes.
Diane: All right, when you put it that way. The thing is...
Sam: Look. Look, listen, why do you suppose people come to bars in the first place?
Diane: Oh, let me take a wild stab at that one. Perchance to drink?
Sam: Wrong. Wrong. They could do that at home. They come here to shoot off their mouths and get away with it. Listen, in this bar everybody gets to be a hero. Now, what's the harm?

Quote from Diane

Diane: This is a night I will never forget. It so happens that I am on speaking terms with one of the poetry editors at The Atlantic Monthly. Yes, he spoke at my college once. I'm going to call him and tell him about you.
Sam: Wait. Hey, aren't you getting a little carried away here?
Diane: May I have the phone? Yes, and loving it.
Sam: Humoring the guy is one thing. I mean, he can have all the fantasies he wants in my bar. But don't you think you're going too far to make him feel good.
Diane: Sam, the poem he wrote is excellent. Scratch a liar, find a poet.
Sam: So he memorized one. What's that prove?
Diane: Sam, we are now in my area of expertise. When we want to talk about poetry, we come to me. When we want to talk about jock itch, we come to you.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Evening, everybody.
All: Norm!
Diane: Norman.
Sam: What's new, Norm?
Norm: Most of my wife.

Quote from Norm

Coach: Norm, I thought you were going out to Maine for the holidays with Vera?
Norm: Yeah, I am, Coach.
Coach: Well, what happened?
Norm: Nothing. Nothing. Vera drove up last night and I had to stick around for an interview. I'm gonna drive up tonight. She left me the directions here. [pulls out a piece of paper] Should have no trouble finding the place.
Diane: Getting away, Norman?
Norm: Yeah. We got just the two of us. Oh, there's big trees up there, you know. They got a frozen lake, one radio station.
Diane: It sounds very romantic, Norman.
Norm: Yeah, it does, doesn't it?
Sailor: [to Sam] Where can a guy go for a good time around here?
Norm: Enjoy. [hands over paper] No, wait, pal, I can't. I can't do that to the navy.

Quote from Carla

Eric Finch: I hope you won't think me presumptuous, but dark, exotic women like you bring a fever to my blood.
Carla: Wow! Classy! My name is Carla. What can I get ya?
Eric Finch: How do you do, Carla? [kisses her wrist] My name's Eric Finch. Gin and bitters will do. You know, you have an interesting profile. Neapolitan, right?
Carla: That's right. My grandfather was from Naples.
Eric Finch: Well, we have a saying in my business, "Giving your heart to a Neapolitan girl is like forgetting to burn your code book." Oops. Blast. Now I've bloody well done it.
Carla: You're not a spy or anything, are you?
Eric Finch: Ssh. Please, don't say anything more. You might put my life in jeopardy. [as Coach walks by] You see that man, there?
Carla: Yeah.
Eric Finch: He might be the secret agent from a foreign country's intelligence.
Carla: I'd hate to live there.

Quote from Coach

Cliff: Hey, Coach, who do you say is the smartest animal?
Coach: I gotta say Francis the Talking Mule.
Cliff: No, Coach, I don't think you're catching on here. That was a real guy talking for that mule.
Sam: Uh, well, it wasn't so much that he could talk, it was what he said, right, Coach?
Coach: Yeah, right, and it was a lot better than that drivel Mister Ed was giving us.
Cliff: Good point.

Quote from Diane

Eric Finch: Your eyes remind me of an etching I bought in Norway. I paid 200 guilders for it.
Diane: The currency in Norway is the Krone.
Sam: Oh, Diane.
Carla: If you have a licence to kill, can I use it a second?
Eric Finch: She's right.
Carla: She is?
Eric Finch: Of course. That how we broke down Norway's economic system by infiltrating the government with foreign currency.
Diane: Hmm. Is that right?
Sam: Oh, Diane.
Eric Finch: That way we undermined the people's confidence and their totalitarian regime.
Carla: Ah-ha!
Diane: Norway doesn't have a totalitarian regime. Ah-ha!
Sam: [whistles] Hey! Get it over here!
Diane: Pardonnez-moi. I believe my employer craves a word.

Quote from Carla

Diane: Sam, any kind of lie is eventually destructive. I was raised and educated to prize truth above all else.
Carla: This from a woman wearing rubber eyelashes and a padded bra.
Diane: That's a lie.
Sam: I'm gonna need some proof.

Quote from Carla

Diane: I failed. I blew it. I quit. I don't belong in a place like this, and there's no point arguing about it.
Carla: Who's arguing?
Diane: I am opinionated, I am stubborn, I am smug.
Carla: A little louder, they can't hear you in the back room.
Diane: I wouldn't have believed it, but I'm a total washout as a cocktail waitress. I don't belong here.
Carla: Stay in touch, kid.
Sam: Carla.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Diane. Diane, please, listen. I don't know exactly what's going on here, but it looks like you booted a grounder, right?
Diane: [Sam nods] Right.
Coach: Right. Well, you know what I used to say to one of my ballplayers when he made a mental error?
Diane: What?
Coach: Nothing. That's why I got fired.

Quote from Cliff

Sam: Look, you made a mistake, that's all. Now make up for it. Go find the poor guy, bring him back and apologize.
Diane: Well, that's a wonderful idea, but I wouldn't know where to begin to look for him?
Cliff: Well, I think your British Embassy could probably help you there. Yeah, I've got a pretty good ear for dialects. And my instincts tell me, limey.

Quote from Coach

Sam: You know, it's not often we have a guy in here who can write poetry.
Coach: We got a guy in the men's room, Sam, writes some terrific stuff.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Are you published?
Eric Finch: No, no. I don't even send my stuff in. I'm not really very good.
Diane: Oh, don't be silly. Let me be the judge of that. I majored in poetry.
Jack: I thought you majored in philosophy.
Diane: No, it was psychology, but that was before Literature and after French.
Sam: No, no, no. That was after Art History.
Norm: And before Anthropology.
Cliff: Oh, no, no, no. We're forgetting Indian Studies. And Manchurian Folk Dancing.

Quote from Coach

Diane: Excuse me, we are about to make literary history here.
Eric Finch: [on the phone] Hello. "My heart is like a singing bird Whose nest is in the watered shoot;"
Diane: Now, that's a poet.
Sam: Thank you.
Eric Finch: "My heart is like an apple tree Whose bough is bent with thick-set fruit" [Coach joins in] "My heart is like a rainbow shell That paddles on a halcyon sea"
Coach: "My heart is gladder than all these things Because my love has come to me." The nuns taught us that in school. I get tears just remembering.
Carla: No fooling. Tears?
Coach: Yeah. They whacked us with their beads.

Quote from Carla

Diane: [takes the phone] Yes, Rossetti, you're right. Thank you for settling that bet. Wonderful. Now, to whom could I speak about a subscription. l? [hangs up]
Carla: I don't believe this guy. I mean, you cannot believe a word that comes out of his mouth. You know, if you could fix TVs and crack walnuts on your forehead, you could be my ex-husband.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hey, if you're in the mood for gum, I can get you a fresh stick.
Eric Finch: Actually, I was looking for bugs.
Carla: Try the blonde girl's hair. Say, you're from England, huh?
Eric Finch: How'd you guess?
Carla: Well, because you sound smart even when you say stupid things.

Quote from Norm

Jack: Nah, for me, the smartest animal's a pigeon. A thousand cars on the turnpike, they find mine.
Norm: No, I have to give my vote to the ants.
Jack: How do you figure that?
Norm: You ever see those farms they build?
Jack: Yeah.
Norm: Well, they build those things without plans. To ants. For all you do, this one's for you.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Sam, a gin and bitters. Hey, everybody, come here. Don't everybody look suddenly, but there's a guy over there who's a secret agent.
Diane: Oh, that's ridiculous.
Carla: [as everyone looks] Oh, thanks for being so cool.
Norm: You mean like a spy or something?
Coach: You mean like James Bond?
Cliff: Hey, Norm, Jack, it's stakeout time.

Quote from Carla

Sam: What makes you think that?
Carla: Well, he kinda opened up to me. I was sitting there talking to him and he said he thinks I'm sexy.
Diane: They're trained to lie.
Carla: You know, Diane, he just got back from Ankara and he says that I'm cuter than any of the Bulgarian girls he saw there.
Diane: Well, I'm not surprised, Ankara is in Turkey.
Carla: Great. I really wanted to know that. Another fascinating fact from the answer geek.

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