Buzz Crowder: Sam. What do I owe ya, Sam?
Sam: Nothing, Buzz. The room's on us. Forget it.
Buzz Crowder: Why, thanks.
Norm: Hey, Buzz? I was in the army myself, you know. Fort Dix.
Coach: Yeah, I served in the navy, Buzz. In Pensacola.
Sam: I was in the reserves.
Diane: I was never actually in the Army, but I did serve in uniform. I was a Brownie. I won merit badges.
Carla: I was in Saint Cletus's Correctional Institute for Wayward Girls. We used Brownies for firewood!

Sam: Uh, wait. Wait a second. It's not like this is important to me or anything, but are you aware that I am the only person in this bar who's not in that book?
Diane: Uh, really?
Sam: You know, when I played baseball, I used to get quoted all the time. I mean, reporters used to hang around my locker, just waiting for me to say something intelligent.
Diane: I know the feeling! Sam, come on, that was a joke!
Sam: Okay, fine. No, you know, you're not joking, you're telling me that I'm too dumb to be in that book.
Diane: Sam, there are a lot of people in this book just as dumb as you are. Now, look. I want natural poetry, OK? I'm writing down spontaneous statements. All day you've been trying too hard.
Sam: That's all right, fine! I don't really want to be in that stupid, pretentious book of yours, anyway. You know, you've been writing some pretty stupid stuff in that book. I mean I've heard some of the stuff you've been writing in that book, and it's stupid. You know, I mean, what does a stuffed shirt know about blue-collar poetry, huh?
Diane: That's good, that's really good.

Coach: Sam, you know something? Loneliness is a good thing to share with someone.
Diane: Oh, wow. Oh.
Sam: "Oh, wow?"
Diane: "Someone." Would you get my purse for me, please? This has been a great day, huh? How could I have known when I woke up this morning that I would meet a monk and a doughboy? Two men with one foot in heaven. Oh, that's good!

Buzz Crowder: Hey, lock up your daughters! The fightin' Double Deuce is on the loose!
Sam: Can I help you?
Buzz Crowder: Well, you should help me. I sure helped you. I was fighting the Kaiser when your daddy was in diapers. Where's the rest of my outfit?
Carla: What you got on looks silly enough.
Buzz Crowder: I'm talking about the other boys from the 22nd Brigade. I'm meeting them here.
Sam: I hope you're not expecting a whole brigade? I'm kind of low on lemons.
Buzz Crowder: No, no, just the guys from my squad. What's left of 'em. I'm Buzz Crowder.

Sam: Ah, any sex in it?
Diane: Please. I've started writing down bits of conversation I hear in the bar. Sometimes people say things that strike me as snippets of Americana.
Sam: You mean things said by customers, employees?
Diane: Yeah.
Sam: The owner?
Diane: Ah, I'm afraid you're not represented.
Sam: Just my luck. She doesn't like my snippets.

Sam: Got something good there?
Diane: Yes. A remark a customer dropped just a moment ago.
Sam: Yeah? A quotable remark? You know, well, it occurs to me that sometimes we find truth comes in a glass. [Diane walks away] Or a mug. Or your face.

Buzz Crowder: Hey, Pinky! [hugs Norm] You old grunt! Sammy? Tinkerbell here, or what?
Sam: Hey, Buzz? Buzz, isn't he a little bit young to be one of your guys?
Buzz Crowder: Oh, of course! I'm sorry. Wow, from behind you look exactly like the young Pinky Peterson.
Norm: You shouldn't walk up and grab people like that.
Buzz Crowder: If I buy you a beer, will you forget it?
Norm: Buy me a pitcher, you can kiss me on the lips!
Buzz Crowder: Hey, you're all right. I'll be in the back.
Sam: Everything all right back there?
Buzz Crowder: Well, that room is kinda small. One grenade'll get us all! [laughs]

Kevin: Ah, this looks like a nice saloon.
Diane: We aspire to saloon.
Kelly: Can I just sit anywhere?
Carla: Try the bar. It makes good cover during the gunfights.

Sam: Hi. What'll you have?
Kevin: Uh, I'll have a carafe of your house whisky.
Sam: Excuse me?
Kevin: Uh, is that a bad order?
Sam: Well, not if you're a party of twenty.
Kevin: This is the first time I've ever been in a bar.
Sam: No kidding.
Kevin: No, really. I was just passing and dropped in to see what it's like.
Sam: Well, does it live up to your expectations?
Kevin: Well, I expected to see more lost, desperate souls sitting around.
Sam: Well, desperate souls night is Thursday. All the beer you can cry into for a buck.
Kevin: That's very amusing.
Sam: Thank you. Where's Diane?

Sam: Can I get you something, Buzz?
Buzz Crowder: Not yet, Sam. I came out to warn you about something. Me and the boys have got a little joke we play on each other. You see, first man here always goes in the back room, strips down to his altogether, yeah, yeah? Then he stands on the table, and when the others walk in, he yells out, "Lafayette, we are here!" [Sam chuckles] Well, tonight it's my turn.
Sam: Thanks for the warning, Buzz.
Buzz Crowder: Oh, Sam, could you turn the heat up just a little bit?