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Norm's Big Audit

‘Norm's Big Audit’

Season 11, Episode 13 -  Aired January 14, 1993

Norm is on the receiving end of an IRS audit by a battleaxe. Meanwhile, Sam is worried when the guys at the bar decide to watch a baseball game from his drinking days.

Quote from Norm

Carla: What are you worried about?
Norm: What do you mean?
Carla: All you got to do is flirt with her a little.
Norm: [chuckling] Right, flirt... me?
Carla: Yeah.
Norm: Come on. I haven't flirted with a woman since I met Vera. Actually, I think she killed the part of me that flirts.

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Quote from Carla

Carla: Come on, I mean, you can do it. You compliment her a little. You sweet-talk her. Before you know it, she's putty in your hands.
Norm: Yeah, right. Would you flirt with an IRS agent?
Carla: I do it with the tollbooth guy.

Quote from Norm

Dot Carroll: $500 to have your nails wrapped?
Norm: Yeah. Yeah, I have a very low calcium count.
Dot Carroll: According to these receipts, you had a lot of business dinners with a C. Clavin.
Norm: Yeah, he's a, um, very important business client. I constantly have to wine and dine the guy.
Dot Carroll: Well, I certainly hope he enjoyed his three Whoppers.
Norm: I believe he did, yes.

Quote from Sam

Frasier: Sam, Sam, your behavior leads me to one of two conclusions: A) You're trying to keep us from seeing that game; Or B) You've just suffered a small cerebrovascular accident.
Tim: What the hell is going on here, Sam?
Sam: All right, I'll... I'm sorry, fellas. It's just... I don't want you to see the game. I made a real idiot out of myself. I was, I was drunk that night when I was pitching, and, well, I kind of got mad at the Oriole mascot and well, I skulled him.
Alan: Sammy, now, are- are you talking about that-that big stupid bird that used to dance around on top of the dugout?
Sam: A- Actually, Alan, it turns out that's a man in a bird's costume.

Quote from Cliff

Norm: I'm desperate; I'll try anything. Come on.
Cliff: All right, tell you what, here's the plan.
Norm: Uh-huh.
Cliff: I go to the hotel in your place, right? I reach in, flick off the lights, say "Room service for Dot Carroll." In the meantime, I've got a big bag full of wild squirrels with sparklers attached to their tails. I drop them in the room.
They run around terrified, setting off the alarms and the sprinklers. Okay? In the ensuing hubbub, she forgets all about her little date with you. Trust me. You think a cold shower's a mood killer? Try a bag of wild squirrels.
Norm: Thanks, Cliff, but, uh, you don't have to go to the trouble.
Cliff: That's all right; I already got the squirrels.

Quote from Cliff

Carla: Hey, Norm, I got an idea.
Norm: What?
Carla: Why don't I just pick up the phone and call Vera and tell her what's going on? Now, listen. She'll run over to the Ritz Carlton and burst into the room before anything can happen. This way, Dot can't get angry at you, and you'll be off the hook.
Norm: Yeah, yeah. Then Dot tells Vera how I came on to her. Either way, I spend the next ten years sleeping on a cot.
Frasier: Well, Norm, you could get, uh, someone to impersonate Vera.
Norm: Well, thanks, Fras, but I doubt that Ed Asner has time to hop on a plane to Boston.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Come on, Carla. This was your idea in the first place.
Carla: Oh, no.
Norm: What do you say you help me out? Come on.
Carla: Oh, and why should l? You haven't left me a tip in 15 years.
Norm: Frankly, I never felt the service was all that great.

Quote from Norm

Norm: All right, fine. Fine. I'm on my own. I'll just go over to the hotel and throw myself at her mercy. I'll plead with the woman. I'll beg her. I'll say how wrong it is for her to force me to do this. What the hell, it worked for me on my wedding night.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Better head back to, uh, Cheers.
Dot Carroll: Um, you want to stay here and talk a while?
Norm: I probably shouldn't.
Dot Carroll: Got a minibar.
Norm: Well, if you need a friend.
Dot Carroll: That'd be nice, just you and me, talking.
Cliff: [enters] Room service for Dot Carroll. [squirrels chittering]

Quote from Carla

Cliff: Hey, let me give you another hint. Keep the authority figure on your own eye level.
Norm: Yeah?
Cliff: Yeah, yeah, it intimidates them.
Norm: Really?
Cliff: Oh, yeah, sure. You know, whenever I get stopped by a policeman, I get out of the car and face him eye to eye.
Carla: Hey, you know, that's good thinking, Clavin. And you know, another good thing to do is reach into your vest pocket real sudden like. Give the cop a good start. That way, he won't push you around.
Cliff: Ah, well, thank you very much, Carla.
Carla: Just planting the seed.

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