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Norm's Big Audit

‘Norm's Big Audit’

Season 11, Episode 13 -  Aired January 14, 1993

Norm is on the receiving end of an IRS audit by a battleaxe. Meanwhile, Sam is worried when the guys at the bar decide to watch a baseball game from his drinking days.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Ah, Ms. Carroll, I've been looking forward to meeting you. After all, I'm an accountant myself.
Dot Carroll: And I should be interested in that because?
Norm: No reason. No reason at all.
Dot Carroll: Is there someplace we can talk?
Norm: Yes, uh, the office there, uh I think you'll find that everything's in perfect order.
Dot Carroll: It better be. I just spent two hours with some horse's ass who tried to play the old fake receipts and diary on me. Can you believe it?
Norm: [to Frasier] Ouch.

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Quote from Sam

Sam: Say, uh, fellas, hey, listen, you- you- you don't want to watch that silly old game, do you? Let's see what else is on at 8:30. Hey, here you go, look at this. Magilla Gorilla, huh?

Quote from Norm

Dot Carroll: Mr. Peterson, about this work diary from 1989...
Norm: Yeah.
Dot Carroll: I'd be willing to bet that if I took this to my office for an analysis, they would discover that the ink is not more than 30 minutes old.
Norm: So what, you're gonna try to penalize me for copying it over for neatness?

Quote from Norm

Dot Carroll: As an accountant, I'm sure you're aware that the penalty for defrauding the United States government is imprisonment.
Norm: This conversation just took a left turn.
Dot Carroll: Fake receipts, phony diary. Mr. Peterson, you are in very big trouble.
Norm: I can't believe I'm hearing this from someone as... Doggone it, as as, uh, as lovely as yourself.
Dot Carroll: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Norm: Come on, just take a look at you. You've got the sculpted cheekbones, those smoldering eyes, a voice any man could get lost in. You're not giving yourself enough credit, Miss Carroll. I mean, surely I'm not the first man who's ever said these things to you.
Dot Carroll: I think I know what's going on here, Mr. Peterson.
Norm: What?
Dot Carroll: I wasn't born yesterday. I know when someone's making a pass at me. And let me tell you this, buster, you're coming on to an official of the United States government, an auditor for the Internal Revenue Service. This meeting is over... stud! We'll continue this audit in my hotel room. Ritz Carlton, room 147. Meet me there tonight. And P.S., I play rough.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: I tell you, as far as I'm concerned, you got it made in the shade with this IRS chick. Hey, not only do you get out of jail free, but, uh, you get a little action on the side. High five! Nobody. Okay.

Quote from Carla

Norm: Well, Miss Ann Landers, are you happy? I took your advice. I flirted with the woman. Now she wants to sleep with me. What do you suggest now?
Carla: I suggest you keep the lights off.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Well, I say, sauce for the goose. At last a male is being sexually harassed. Let this be a lesson to us. I mean, how many of us have, in our lives, in some small way, depersonalized a member of the opposite sex? [a woman walks by] Whoa, mangos... two for a buck! You see? That's exactly the kind of boorish behavior I'm talking about!

Quote from Sam

Carla: Hey, Sam, how's it going back there?
Sam: Uh, fine. All I got to do is undo these two wires, and the fellows will never see the game. [electrical crackling] [grunts]
Carla: Sam, are you okay?
Sam: I just remembered. I fought in the Civil War.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Can I see that? Oh! [chuckles] Look at that. I'll be damned. That's a beauty. I guess you just... [drops Paul's Watchman in a pitcher of beer] Oh.
Paul: Hey.
Sam: I'm sorry, man, I'm sorry. Uh, Paul, I'll- l'll replace it.
Paul: It's $300.
Sam: No, I meant the beer, Paul.

Quote from Carla

Paul: So, Norm, decide what you're gonna do?
Norm: I know one thing's for sure. I can't just sleep with some woman so she'll go easier on my tax audit.
Carla: You know, uh, Norm, I've known you for a long time, and I consider you a friend.
Norm: Yeah.
Carla: And l, uh, just want you to know that I got connections. Might be able to make it a little easier for you.
Norm: You mean people in the IRS?
Carla: No, prison.
Norm: Right. Thanks a lot.

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