Rebecca: Hey, Norm, what are you doing?
Norm: Just getting prepared. I'm gonna bury this auditor in paperwork. I got phony receipts. I got a postdated diary. I got fake mileage logs, the works.
Rebecca: Why are you meeting the auditor here?
Norm: Old trick, Rebecca: you meet the enemy on your own turf.

Carla: You know, about this game that's on tonight...
Sam: Uh-huh.
Carla: Do you remember what happened?
Sam: Yeah, I won. [chuckles]
Carla: Hey, Sam, this was in your drinking days. I mean, this is the game where you thought the Orioles' mascot was a huge mutant bird.
Sam: Oh, my God.
Carla: Yeah, remember?
Sam: Oh...
Carla: Yeah, you threw a fastball at him. You hit him right between the eyes and gave him a concussion.
Sam: Well, what would you do if you saw this gigantic bird coming at you? Would you just let it attack you and peck your eyes out?

Sam: Uh, forgot to tell you, fellas, that, uh, I was working on that TV earlier, trying to get the color just right for the game, and, uh, damnedest thing, it- it blew. It blew as well as the big screen there. Uh, I guess we're just not meant to see this game, huh, fellas?
Paul: It's okay, Sammy. We can, uh, see it on my little Watchman.
Sam: Where did that thing come from, Paul?
Paul: I take it with me everywhere. You know, you can, uh, run it on batteries, or I plug it in the, uh, cigarette lighter in my car.
Frasier: Paul, you watch TV in the car?
Paul: I don't like to miss my stories.

Dot Carroll: Okay, Peterson, what's going on?
Norm: All right, Dot. All right, I'm gonna be honest with you. That wasn't my wife. My wife is probably home in bed. The truth is, Dot, I'm not a very good husband. [sighs] I hardly spend any time at all with Vera. We never talk. I don't know her birthday. I don't know when our anniversary is. But I don't cheat on her. Now, that may not sound like much to you, but to me, it's the difference between being a bad husband and being a bad person. So, go ahead, d-do your worst. Throw the book at me.

Frasier: Sam, Sam, your behavior leads me to one of two conclusions: A) You're trying to keep us from seeing that game; Or B) You've just suffered a small cerebrovascular accident.
Tim: What the hell is going on here, Sam?
Sam: All right, I'll... I'm sorry, fellas. It's just... I don't want you to see the game. I made a real idiot out of myself. I was, I was drunk that night when I was pitching, and, well, I kind of got mad at the Oriole mascot and well, I skulled him.
Alan: Sammy, now, are- are you talking about that-that big stupid bird that used to dance around on top of the dugout?
Sam: A- Actually, Alan, it turns out that's a man in a bird's costume.

Cliff: This particular kind of granite comes from Barre, Vermont.
Norm: Get out - Barre?
Cliff: Yeah. Yeah, you can take a tour of their whole operation up there.
Norm: Yeah?
Cliff: Yeah, ask for a guy named Asa.
Norm: Yeah?
Cliff: Yeah, you can tell him I sent you. He'll, uh he'll do you right.
Norm: He'll set me up?
Cliff: Oh, sure. You see, it's got the, uh...
[A smartly-dressed man who just parked his expensive car by the side of the road drops his keys in Cliff's hand as he walks by]
Cliff: Excuse me, sir? Hey, hey, yo. Sir. This man obviously mistook the uniform of the United States Postal Service for one of the common valet there, Norm.
Norm: Now that you mention it, Cliff, you know...
Cliff: Mistake or not, though, the man has entrusted a valuable possession to one who proudly wears this uniform. As long as that man is in that restaurant, I- I cannot shirk the responsibility he has laid upon these shoulders.
Norm: What are you gonna do, just hang here for a couple hours while the guy eats?
Cliff: Norm, my friend, this is a Jaguar. Jaguar plus postman equals adventure.
Norm: Let's do it.

Norm: Hey, Cliffie, what you doing?
Cliff: I'm filling out an application for the Boston Marathon. It's, uh, something I do every year.
Norm: Wait a minute, you run in the Boston Marathon?
Cliff: No, no, I just get the free T-shirt. It, uh, impresses the girls down at the gym.
Norm: Ah. Wait, wait, wait, wait, you- you work out in a gym?
Cliff: Well, no, I just hang out in front with the T-shirt.

Frasier: Hey, listen to this. According to the TV Guide, they're playing an old Red Sox game on Play Ball later.
Rebecca: What is Play Ball?
Frasier: Well, it's, uh, this show on channel 58. They replay classic Red Sox games. Hey, say, listen, Sam? This is one of your games. Yeah, July 14, 1975, relief pitcher, Sam Malone.
Cliff: Hey, Sammy, what do you say we make an evening out of it, huh? Yeah, popcorn, pretzels, beer. Gather around the old TV set.
Norm: All right, sounds like a nice change of pace.

Sam: Yeah, what the hell? That sounds like a nice idea. Say, honey, can you do me a favor? Can you hand me the, uh, baseball almanac under the bar? Uh, I was drinking a lot back in those days, and there's something about 1975 I don't remember.
Rebecca: What's that?
Sam: The summer part.
Sam: l- l- l don't want them seeing a game where I embarrass myself. All right, here we go. July... July 14, '75.
Red Sox versus the Orioles. Red Sox won. Oh, right. I pitched three innings. I must have been okay that day.
Rebecca: Good.
Sam: Yeah. All right, fellas. Yeah, let's have a party here, huh? Finally, you're gonna see why Sammy's so famous. Actually, uh, we don't get the channel that shows why Sammy's so famous.

Rebecca: [answers phone] Cheers. Oh, hi, Vera. [Norm waves his arms] Uh, no, Vera, I'm sorry, Norm's not here. Can I take a... It's an emergency?
Norm: [quietly] All right, all right.
Rebecca: Whoa, you're not gonna believe this, Vera, but Norm just walked in.
Norm: [muffled] Hello, everybody.
All: Norm!
Rebecca: [muffled] Why, hello, Mr. Peterson.
Norm: [mumbling] [all laughing]