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‘Norm's Big Audit’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Norm's Big Audit

1113. Norm's Big Audit

Aired January 14, 1993

Norm is on the receiving end of an IRS audit by a battleaxe. Meanwhile, Sam is worried when the guys at the bar decide to watch a baseball game from his drinking days.

Quote from Norm

Rebecca: Hey, Norm, what are you doing?
Norm: Just getting prepared. I'm gonna bury this auditor in paperwork. I got phony receipts. I got a postdated diary. I got fake mileage logs, the works.
Rebecca: Why are you meeting the auditor here?
Norm: Old trick, Rebecca: you meet the enemy on your own turf.

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Quote from Sam

Carla: You know, about this game that's on tonight...
Sam: Uh-huh.
Carla: Do you remember what happened?
Sam: Yeah, I won. [chuckles]
Carla: Hey, Sam, this was in your drinking days. I mean, this is the game where you thought the Orioles' mascot was a huge mutant bird.
Sam: Oh, my God.
Carla: Yeah, remember?
Sam: Oh...
Carla: Yeah, you threw a fastball at him. You hit him right between the eyes and gave him a concussion.
Sam: Well, what would you do if you saw this gigantic bird coming at you? Would you just let it attack you and peck your eyes out?

Quote from Paul

Sam: Uh, forgot to tell you, fellas, that, uh, I was working on that TV earlier, trying to get the color just right for the game, and, uh, damnedest thing, it- it blew. It blew as well as the big screen there. Uh, I guess we're just not meant to see this game, huh, fellas?
Paul: It's okay, Sammy. We can, uh, see it on my little Watchman.
Sam: Where did that thing come from, Paul?
Paul: I take it with me everywhere. You know, you can, uh, run it on batteries, or I plug it in the, uh, cigarette lighter in my car.
Frasier: Paul, you watch TV in the car?
Paul: I don't like to miss my stories.

Quote from Norm

Dot Carroll: Okay, Peterson, what's going on?
Norm: All right, Dot. All right, I'm gonna be honest with you. That wasn't my wife. My wife is probably home in bed. The truth is, Dot, I'm not a very good husband. [sighs] I hardly spend any time at all with Vera. We never talk. I don't know her birthday. I don't know when our anniversary is. But I don't cheat on her. Now, that may not sound like much to you, but to me, it's the difference between being a bad husband and being a bad person. So, go ahead, d-do your worst. Throw the book at me.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: This particular kind of granite comes from Barre, Vermont.
Norm: Get out - Barre?
Cliff: Yeah. Yeah, you can take a tour of their whole operation up there.
Norm: Yeah?
Cliff: Yeah, ask for a guy named Asa.
Norm: Yeah?
Cliff: Yeah, you can tell him I sent you. He'll, uh he'll do you right.
Norm: He'll set me up?
Cliff: Oh, sure. You see, it's got the, uh...
[A smartly-dressed man who just parked his expensive car by the side of the road drops his keys in Cliff's hand as he walks by]
Cliff: Excuse me, sir? Hey, hey, yo. Sir. This man obviously mistook the uniform of the United States Postal Service for one of the common valet there, Norm.
Norm: Now that you mention it, Cliff, you know...
Cliff: Mistake or not, though, the man has entrusted a valuable possession to one who proudly wears this uniform. As long as that man is in that restaurant, I- I cannot shirk the responsibility he has laid upon these shoulders.
Norm: What are you gonna do, just hang here for a couple hours while the guy eats?
Cliff: Norm, my friend, this is a Jaguar. Jaguar plus postman equals adventure.
Norm: Let's do it.

Quote from Cliff

Norm: Hey, Cliffie, what you doing?
Cliff: I'm filling out an application for the Boston Marathon. It's, uh, something I do every year.
Norm: Wait a minute, you run in the Boston Marathon?
Cliff: No, no, I just get the free T-shirt. It, uh, impresses the girls down at the gym.
Norm: Ah. Wait, wait, wait, wait, you- you work out in a gym?
Cliff: Well, no, I just hang out in front with the T-shirt.

Quote from Norm

Frasier: Hey, listen to this. According to the TV Guide, they're playing an old Red Sox game on Play Ball later.
Rebecca: What is Play Ball?
Frasier: Well, it's, uh, this show on channel 58. They replay classic Red Sox games. Hey, say, listen, Sam? This is one of your games. Yeah, July 14, 1975, relief pitcher, Sam Malone.
Cliff: Hey, Sammy, what do you say we make an evening out of it, huh? Yeah, popcorn, pretzels, beer. Gather around the old TV set.
Norm: All right, sounds like a nice change of pace.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Yeah, what the hell? That sounds like a nice idea. Say, honey, can you do me a favor? Can you hand me the, uh, baseball almanac under the bar? Uh, I was drinking a lot back in those days, and there's something about 1975 I don't remember.
Rebecca: What's that?
Sam: The summer part.
Sam: l- l- l don't want them seeing a game where I embarrass myself. All right, here we go. July... July 14, '75.
Red Sox versus the Orioles. Red Sox won. Oh, right. I pitched three innings. I must have been okay that day.
Rebecca: Good.
Sam: Yeah. All right, fellas. Yeah, let's have a party here, huh? Finally, you're gonna see why Sammy's so famous. Actually, uh, we don't get the channel that shows why Sammy's so famous.

Quote from Norm

Rebecca: [answers phone] Cheers. Oh, hi, Vera. [Norm waves his arms] Uh, no, Vera, I'm sorry, Norm's not here. Can I take a... It's an emergency?
Norm: [quietly] All right, all right.
Rebecca: Whoa, you're not gonna believe this, Vera, but Norm just walked in.
Norm: [muffled] Hello, everybody.
All: Norm!
Rebecca: [muffled] Why, hello, Mr. Peterson.
Norm: [mumbling] [all laughing]

Quote from Norm

Norm: [on the phone] Hi, honey. What's the problem? What, an IRS audit? No, it can't be this afternoon. They've got to give you at least three, four notices. This is the fourth notice? All right, all look, don't worry about it. Don't... Listen, as long as you're checking the mail, uh, could you check to see if the, uh, Victoria's Secret catalog came in? It did? Good, good. Just just hold onto it, okay? And for God sakes, don't order anything.

Quote from Norm

Carla: What are you worried about?
Norm: What do you mean?
Carla: All you got to do is flirt with her a little.
Norm: [chuckling] Right, flirt... me?
Carla: Yeah.
Norm: Come on. I haven't flirted with a woman since I met Vera. Actually, I think she killed the part of me that flirts.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Come on, I mean, you can do it. You compliment her a little. You sweet-talk her. Before you know it, she's putty in your hands.
Norm: Yeah, right. Would you flirt with an IRS agent?
Carla: I do it with the tollbooth guy.

Quote from Norm

Dot Carroll: $500 to have your nails wrapped?
Norm: Yeah. Yeah, I have a very low calcium count.
Dot Carroll: According to these receipts, you had a lot of business dinners with a C. Clavin.
Norm: Yeah, he's a, um, very important business client. I constantly have to wine and dine the guy.
Dot Carroll: Well, I certainly hope he enjoyed his three Whoppers.
Norm: I believe he did, yes.

Quote from Sam

Frasier: Sam, Sam, your behavior leads me to one of two conclusions: A) You're trying to keep us from seeing that game; Or B) You've just suffered a small cerebrovascular accident.
Tim: What the hell is going on here, Sam?
Sam: All right, I'll... I'm sorry, fellas. It's just... I don't want you to see the game. I made a real idiot out of myself. I was, I was drunk that night when I was pitching, and, well, I kind of got mad at the Oriole mascot and well, I skulled him.
Alan: Sammy, now, are- are you talking about that-that big stupid bird that used to dance around on top of the dugout?
Sam: A- Actually, Alan, it turns out that's a man in a bird's costume.

Quote from Cliff

Norm: I'm desperate; I'll try anything. Come on.
Cliff: All right, tell you what, here's the plan.
Norm: Uh-huh.
Cliff: I go to the hotel in your place, right? I reach in, flick off the lights, say "Room service for Dot Carroll." In the meantime, I've got a big bag full of wild squirrels with sparklers attached to their tails. I drop them in the room.
They run around terrified, setting off the alarms and the sprinklers. Okay? In the ensuing hubbub, she forgets all about her little date with you. Trust me. You think a cold shower's a mood killer? Try a bag of wild squirrels.
Norm: Thanks, Cliff, but, uh, you don't have to go to the trouble.
Cliff: That's all right; I already got the squirrels.

Quote from Cliff

Carla: Hey, Norm, I got an idea.
Norm: What?
Carla: Why don't I just pick up the phone and call Vera and tell her what's going on? Now, listen. She'll run over to the Ritz Carlton and burst into the room before anything can happen. This way, Dot can't get angry at you, and you'll be off the hook.
Norm: Yeah, yeah. Then Dot tells Vera how I came on to her. Either way, I spend the next ten years sleeping on a cot.
Frasier: Well, Norm, you could get, uh, someone to impersonate Vera.
Norm: Well, thanks, Fras, but I doubt that Ed Asner has time to hop on a plane to Boston.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Come on, Carla. This was your idea in the first place.
Carla: Oh, no.
Norm: What do you say you help me out? Come on.
Carla: Oh, and why should l? You haven't left me a tip in 15 years.
Norm: Frankly, I never felt the service was all that great.

Quote from Norm

Norm: All right, fine. Fine. I'm on my own. I'll just go over to the hotel and throw myself at her mercy. I'll plead with the woman. I'll beg her. I'll say how wrong it is for her to force me to do this. What the hell, it worked for me on my wedding night.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Better head back to, uh, Cheers.
Dot Carroll: Um, you want to stay here and talk a while?
Norm: I probably shouldn't.
Dot Carroll: Got a minibar.
Norm: Well, if you need a friend.
Dot Carroll: That'd be nice, just you and me, talking.
Cliff: [enters] Room service for Dot Carroll. [squirrels chittering]

Quote from Carla

Cliff: Hey, let me give you another hint. Keep the authority figure on your own eye level.
Norm: Yeah?
Cliff: Yeah, yeah, it intimidates them.
Norm: Really?
Cliff: Oh, yeah, sure. You know, whenever I get stopped by a policeman, I get out of the car and face him eye to eye.
Carla: Hey, you know, that's good thinking, Clavin. And you know, another good thing to do is reach into your vest pocket real sudden like. Give the cop a good start. That way, he won't push you around.
Cliff: Ah, well, thank you very much, Carla.
Carla: Just planting the seed.

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