TV Quotes

Rebecca: Hey, Norm, what are you doing?
Norm: Just getting prepared. I'm gonna bury this auditor in paperwork. I got phony receipts. I got a postdated diary. I got fake mileage logs, the works.
Rebecca: Why are you meeting the auditor here?
Norm: Old trick, Rebecca: you meet the enemy on your own turf.

Carla: You know, about this game that's on tonight...
Sam: Uh-huh.
Carla: Do you remember what happened?
Sam: Yeah, I won. [chuckles]
Carla: Hey, Sam, this was in your drinking days. I mean, this is the game where you thought the Orioles' mascot was a huge mutant bird.
Sam: Oh, my God.
Carla: Yeah, remember?
Sam: Oh...
Carla: Yeah, you threw a fastball at him. You hit him right between the eyes and gave him a concussion.
Sam: Well, what would you do if you saw this gigantic bird coming at you? Would you just let it attack you and peck your eyes out?

Sam: Uh, forgot to tell you, fellas, that, uh, I was working on that TV earlier, trying to get the color just right for the game, and, uh, damnedest thing, it- it blew. It blew as well as the big screen there. Uh, I guess we're just not meant to see this game, huh, fellas?
Paul: It's okay, Sammy. We can, uh, see it on my little Watchman.
Sam: Where did that thing come from, Paul?
Paul: I take it with me everywhere. You know, you can, uh, run it on batteries, or I plug it in the, uh, cigarette lighter in my car.
Frasier: Paul, you watch TV in the car?
Paul: I don't like to miss my stories.

Dot Carroll: Okay, Peterson, what's going on?
Norm: All right, Dot. All right, I'm gonna be honest with you. That wasn't my wife. My wife is probably home in bed. The truth is, Dot, I'm not a very good husband. [sighs] I hardly spend any time at all with Vera. We never talk. I don't know her birthday. I don't know when our anniversary is. But I don't cheat on her. Now, that may not sound like much to you, but to me, it's the difference between being a bad husband and being a bad person. So, go ahead, d-do your worst. Throw the book at me.

Cliff: This particular kind of granite comes from Barre, Vermont.
Norm: Get out - Barre?
Cliff: Yeah. Yeah, you can take a tour of their whole operation up there.
Norm: Yeah?
Cliff: Yeah, ask for a guy named Asa.
Norm: Yeah?
Cliff: Yeah, you can tell him I sent you. He'll, uh he'll do you right.
Norm: He'll set me up?
Cliff: Oh, sure. You see, it's got the, uh...
[A smartly-dressed man who just parked his expensive car by the side of the road drops his keys in Cliff's hand as he walks by]
Cliff: Excuse me, sir? Hey, hey, yo. Sir. This man obviously mistook the uniform of the United States Postal Service for one of the common valet there, Norm.
Norm: Now that you mention it, Cliff, you know...
Cliff: Mistake or not, though, the man has entrusted a valuable possession to one who proudly wears this uniform. As long as that man is in that restaurant, I- I cannot shirk the responsibility he has laid upon these shoulders.
Norm: What are you gonna do, just hang here for a couple hours while the guy eats?
Cliff: Norm, my friend, this is a Jaguar. Jaguar plus postman equals adventure.
Norm: Let's do it.

Norm: Hey, Cliffie, what you doing?
Cliff: I'm filling out an application for the Boston Marathon. It's, uh, something I do every year.
Norm: Wait a minute, you run in the Boston Marathon?
Cliff: No, no, I just get the free T-shirt. It, uh, impresses the girls down at the gym.
Norm: Ah. Wait, wait, wait, wait, you- you work out in a gym?
Cliff: Well, no, I just hang out in front with the T-shirt.

Frasier: Hey, listen to this. According to the TV Guide, they're playing an old Red Sox game on Play Ball later.
Rebecca: What is Play Ball?
Frasier: Well, it's, uh, this show on channel 58. They replay classic Red Sox games. Hey, say, listen, Sam? This is one of your games. Yeah, July 14, 1975, relief pitcher, Sam Malone.
Cliff: Hey, Sammy, what do you say we make an evening out of it, huh? Yeah, popcorn, pretzels, beer. Gather around the old TV set.
Norm: All right, sounds like a nice change of pace.

Sam: Yeah, what the hell? That sounds like a nice idea. Say, honey, can you do me a favor? Can you hand me the, uh, baseball almanac under the bar? Uh, I was drinking a lot back in those days, and there's something about 1975 I don't remember.
Rebecca: What's that?
Sam: The summer part.
Sam: l- l- l don't want them seeing a game where I embarrass myself. All right, here we go. July... July 14, '75.
Red Sox versus the Orioles. Red Sox won. Oh, right. I pitched three innings. I must have been okay that day.
Rebecca: Good.
Sam: Yeah. All right, fellas. Yeah, let's have a party here, huh? Finally, you're gonna see why Sammy's so famous. Actually, uh, we don't get the channel that shows why Sammy's so famous.

Rebecca: [answers phone] Cheers. Oh, hi, Vera. [Norm waves his arms] Uh, no, Vera, I'm sorry, Norm's not here. Can I take a... It's an emergency?
Norm: [quietly] All right, all right.
Rebecca: Whoa, you're not gonna believe this, Vera, but Norm just walked in.
Norm: [muffled] Hello, everybody.
All: Norm!
Rebecca: [muffled] Why, hello, Mr. Peterson.
Norm: [mumbling] [all laughing]

Norm: [on the phone] Hi, honey. What's the problem? What, an IRS audit? No, it can't be this afternoon. They've got to give you at least three, four notices. This is the fourth notice? All right, all look, don't worry about it. Don't... Listen, as long as you're checking the mail, uh, could you check to see if the, uh, Victoria's Secret catalog came in? It did? Good, good. Just just hold onto it, okay? And for God sakes, don't order anything.