Diane: Sam, she's not what Carla thinks she is.
Sam: Yes, she is. She's just... She's naive.
Diane: Sam, I am an excellent judge of character. And I say she's loose.
Sam: Stop, stop. She's not loose. All right, I'll talk to her. I'll keep her from getting into trouble. Annette, can I talk to you in my office? [to Diane] By the way, I think you would do a lot better for yourself if you stop meddling in other people's sex lives and started concentrating on mine. [Diane kisses her finger and places it on am's lips] Oh, that's great. That'll keep me till the end of the minute.

Coach: OK, folks. The movie's ready.
Sam: I got the lights.
Coach: Thanks, Sam. Sit down. Get nice and comfy. Here we go. Everyone comfortable? This film I call "A Trip To The Hospital To Visit Carla And Her New Two-Day-Old Baby."
Sam: I like it.
Coach: Thanks, Sam. Here we are in the elevator. Okay, those elevator doors are opening and we go into Carla's room. And, yes, we go in... And... Oh, gee, I made a mistake. That's the dead guy's room. The widow was so upset. I tried to cheer her up with a gift. It just wasn't the right moment. Now, here we are. I'm on the right floor, and there's Carla's room, I hope, and in we go. Yes, it is! All the kids were very good. They were on their good behavior. Then Anthony squirted his water pistol. Here I am wiping the lens. And Seraphina grabbed the camera, crawled under a bed and I begged her for it and I had a heck of a time. Then Ann Marie jumped on my back.
Sam: Coach, didn't you get a shot of the baby?
Coach: Yeah, there she is.
Norm: Which one's Carla's?
Coach: It's the little girl, Norm. Doesn't she look like her mother? That's all.

Diane: We are confronted with a problem.
Norm: If we tell him about her, we ruin his life.
Diane: Well, what if we don't tell him about her?
Norm: If we don't tell him about her, we ruin his life.
Coach: Well, if I'm confused, everybody must be.

Norm: Come on. Let's get a beer.
Cliff: Are you kidding? I'm not going back there. The guys are gonna laugh at me.
Norm: No one's gonna laugh at you. Those people care about you and know you're hurting. Anybody who laughs at you has gotta answer to me.
Cliff: Normie, you're about the best friend I ever had.
Norm: You're mine. Wanna hug?
Cliff: No.
Norm: Me neither.
Cliff: I mean, it's not like you pulled me from a burning car wreck or anything.

Diane: Uh, Sam, I think we have to talk in the back room.
Sam: Why?
Diane: Well, it's our weekly seminar on the use of leitmotiv in the "Chanson de Roland".
Sam: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Boy, time really flies by, doesn't it?
Diane: Norman, why don't you join us. Coach?
Coach: Oh, not me, Diane. Thank you, no.
Sam: Oh, come on, Coach, you're the guest speaker.
Coach: Hey, this might be good.

Carla: Oh, no. Here comes another order.
Diane: [to Sam] I need two martinis. One straight up, one over.
Sam: Gin or... vodka?
Diane: Gin. Beefeaters.
Sam: Anything else?
Diane: Yes. There's something else. Something I need... desperately. A Molson Golden ale.
Coach: Sam, you're out of this room.
Sam: Coach, we were gonna kiss.
Coach: We were? Do you mind if I do these first, Sam?

Coach: How did it happen the last time?
Carla: Benny Hill did it.
Coach: Benny Hill?
Carla: Well, I was watching him on TV and I was laughing so hard I went into labor.
Norm: Yeah, I heard that could happen.

Carla: Well, if laughter's what you need, I have a face that makes people laugh.
Coach: Yeah, but you got a nice personality, Diane.
Diane: No, I'm going to make a funny face. [pulls a funny face]
Carla: I don't think it's gonna help, but go ahead.
Diane: Very funny.

Sam: Hi, Annette. I'm Sam.
Annette: Hi.
Sam: We've been waiting for you. I see you already met Coach.
Annette: He must be a good worker.

Diane: Annette.
Annette: Diane.
Diane: Well, you must hear about me from Carla all the time, huh?
Annette: No.
Diane: She never mentioned another waitress here?
Annette: Oh, yes, I've heard her talk about Fishface.
Diane: She quit.