Sam: Should I ask what this sister's called or am I going to regret it?
Carla: No, Sammy, Annette is different than the rest of us. She's always been the good one.
Sam: Well, every family has its white sheep.
Diane: You and your sister close?
Carla: No, no. We never spent much time together. I only see her when I go home to family occasions. Weddings, holidays, stays of execution. Anyway, the thing about Annette, she's real shy. Kind of a wallflower. She doesn't have very many friends.
Sam: We'll take care of her. When are we gonna meet her?
Carla: Soon. I've been in labor for four minutes.
Diane: It was my funny face, wasn't it?
Sam: Carla, why didn't you say something?
Carla: I tried to hold out until my customers left. It was my last shot at a pity tip. [to the customer] Hey, mail it to me. I'll be at Saint Elygius Hospital. Carla Tortelli. Enjoy your drinks while I'm under the knife.

Norm: You know, I think that friendship is two guys who can remember all the good times they shared.
Cliff: Ah, yeah, that's good, Norm.
Norm: Remember all the times we shared?
Cliff: Hey, listen, Norm. If you want a couple of bucks-
Norm: No, Cliff, Cliff, Cliff. Remember when you thought that I was drinking too much? And you felt I really ought to stop. As a friend, I appreciated that.
Cliff: Yeah, you didn't stop, Norm.
Norm: I decided you were wrong, but...

Cliff: Who's she been with?
Norm: Everybody.
Cliff: You?
Norm: No.
Cliff: Because you're married, right?
Norm: Cliff, when you're married to a woman like Vera, you don't even think about extramarital sex. You try not to think about marital sex.

Carla: [after jumping down the stairs] It won't budge. I think I'm going to be pregnant for the rest of my life. Just like it said in the yearbook.
Sam: Stubborn little bugger, isn't he?
Carla: You know, Sammy, I think he learnt about brothers and sisters and decided to stay inside where it's safe.

Diane: Carla, there's a theory that late-born babies are more intelligent. For example, I was born late.
Sam: Hey, so was l.
Diane: Well, it was just a theory.

Diane: You have a sister named No-Neck?
Carla: It's her nickname. Everyone in my family has one.
Diane: Just out of curiosity, Carla, what's your nickname?
Carla: Muffin.
Diane: You're kidding?
Carla: What's wrong with Muffin?
Diane: Nothing, it's the most incredible coincidence. You and I have the same nickname.
Carla: No?
Diane: Daddy always called me his muffin because I was so sweet and toasty.
Carla: Well, I'm called Muffin cos my brothers once stuffed yeast in my ears and tried to bake my face.

Diane: Sam, she's turned into the thing that devoured Boston. We've gotta tell Carla about this.
Sam: No, we do not have to tell Carla about this. It's none of our business if she likes men. Loves men. She can do whatever she wants with her sex life. It's in the Bill of Rights.
Diane: Where is it in the Bill of Rights?
Sam: Well, you know, the part about the right to assemble and bear arms.
Diane: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Sam: Hey. I thought you said you weren't gonna call me stupid now that we're being intimate.
Diane: No. I said I wouldn't call you stupid while we're being intimate.

Sam: You know, you'd be doing her a favor if you asked her out. She'd feel more comfortable.
Cliff: Well, I don't know. Maybe on the way out. [finishes his beer] Gotta go.
Norm: So soon? Cliffy, the night's young and it's your round.
Cliff: Oh, hey, sorry. Got a big day tomorrow. They've asked me to test-drive a new postal vehicle on my route.
Coach: How come they asked you?
Cliff: Uh, I've got the best safety record in the branch, Coach. Never been near an accident.
Paul: Not since you were born.
Cliff: Was that comment addressed to me, Paul?
Paul: No, Cliff. If it were addressed to anybody, it'd probably get lost in the mail.
Cliff: Well, if I wasn't wearing this uniform, I'd ask you to step outside.
Norm: If you weren't wearing that uniform, we'd all step outside.

Annette: Hi.
Coach: Oh, hi.
Annette: I'm Carla's sister, Annette Lozupone.
Coach: Oh, what an interesting name. How do you pronounce it?
Annette: Lozupone.
Coach: Gee, just like it sounds.

Sam: So, what do you think? How's the new girl doing?
Diane: Oh, very well. That date with Cliff is the second one she's made here.
Sam: Really? Well, that's good. She's breaking out of her shell.
Coach: Sam, it's Cheers. It's a romantic bar. As many people fall in love here as get sick.