Sam: Cliff, Norm. Coach likes you guys. Would you take him off our hands just for tonight, please.
Cliff: No, no, no. Sorry, Sammy. We don't want Coach getting in the way when we're hustling chicks.
Sam: Sorry I asked.

Carla: You know, Sammy, it's against my beliefs to help you make things go smoothly with the squawk box over there, but since Coach is involved, I'm gonna bend the rules a little bit. I happen to know he has a crush on one of the tellers at his bank.
Sam: Are you sure?
Carla: Yeah. He talks about her a lot. I don't know her name but I figure if he's dating her, she could take him off your hands.

Sam: Hey, Coach, isn't there a woman that you like at the bank there?
Coach: Oh... Edwina.
Diane: Edwina at Bay Harbor Savings and Loan? Isn't that funny, she's a friend of mine.
Coach: Well, if she's a friend of yours, then you should know Frank because they're married.
Carla: No, Coach. Who's the one you said was a nice lady last Thursday?
Coach: Thursday. Stella.
Sam: Stella.
Diane: Stella. That's my friend.
Coach: No, not Stella. Not Stella. I'm not too crazy about Stella. I meant Dorothy.
Diane: Yes, so did l.

Sam: Oh, I think this just goes to show you that sticky situations are best handled with lies, deceit and trickery. And now for a little romance. [turns the lights off] A little hug. A little kiss. [Coach knocks and enters] A little Coach.
Coach: Excuse me.

Sam: I thought you were gonna show Katherine home.
Coach: I did. I showed her where the bus stop is. You probably didn't notice, but that dame had the hots for me.
Sam: Coach, what's wrong with that?
Diane: Yeah?
Coach: Look, Sam, she's very nice, but she doesn't fit in with the three of us. She's like a fourth wheel. I gotta get some cookies.

Sam: Listen, Coach. I'm gonna tell you something, and I don't care if it hurts your feelings. I'm just gonna tell you out straight here.
Coach: Well, what? What is it?
Sam: Diane doesn't want you hanging around us any more.
Diane: What? That's not true at all. Sam doesn't want you around. I love having you around.
Sam: No, no, no. I love having him around more than you do. As a matter of fact, I love having him around more than having around than you.

Coach: Sam, Diane. Kids, hold on, please. Look, I'm beginning to see the light here. You both have something to tell me but you both don't have the guts to tell me, right?
Sam: Well, I do, Diane doesn't.
Coach: Well then, what is it? Say it. Come on, Sam. Say it. Look, when you were a drunk and nobody told you, I told you you were a drink, didn't l? I told you?
Sam: Over and over again.
Coach: Well, you really were a drunk, Sam.
Sam: I know.
Coach: I mean, you were really a drunk, Sam.
Sam: Hey, hey, hey. Don't start again.
Coach: Look, what kind of a friendship is it, is it so weak that we can't just come out and tell each other the truth?
Sam: You're right. You're right. We just don't want you hanging around us so much.
Coach: If you don't want me, it's fine. I'm not mad. It's fine. I'll see you. But, Sam, you really were a drunk.

Norm: Oh, Coach didn't take too well to getting the old heave-ho?
Diane: He was destroyed. He tried to cover, but there was no masking the intense pain Sam inflicted on his deepest being.
Sam: Hey, don't start at me again. As I recall, you did most of the talking.
Diane: Sam, what difference does it make who did it? The point is the Coach has been crushed. We have to live with that. Especially you.

Coach: [enters] Listen. Listen. I wanna know which one of you two kids got the idea to throw me out on my butt last night. Come on. I wanna know right now. Come on.
Sam: Well, come on, Coach. What difference does it make whose fault it was? [Sam points to Diane] It's done. We both have to share the blame.
Diane: Yes, the important thing is... [Diane tilts her head towards Sam] that we showed you our feelings. Honesty was our only recourse.
Sam: Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. [Sam puts his hand on Diane's shoulder and points to her] It was a mutual decision.
Coach: Well, listen, whoever it was, I wanna thank them from the bottom of my heart. Because what happened was, I caught up with Katherine at the bus stop and I took her home, and we got to know each other and she's the most wonderful woman in the world. I haven't been this happy in years.
Diane: Oh, Coach, that's wonderful news. You don't know how happy we are. And the fact that the two of us... [Diane points to herself]... had anything to do with it makes this feel even better.
Sam: Oh, yeah, absolutely. [Sam points to himself] Just think of it as the two of us being able to do something for you.
Coach: Say, Normie, aren't they a wonderful couple? [makes the "crazy" gesture]