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‘Cliff's Rocky Moment’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Cliff's Rocky Moment

216. Cliff's Rocky Moment

Aired January 26, 1984

A tough guy in the bar is fed up of Cliff and his know-it-all behavior. Meanwhile, Diane enters the football pool with an unconventional strategy.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Yeah, well, with the recent strides in genetic engineering, I mean, we'll soon be faced with the possibility of producing enormous farm animals to feed the hungry millions. Now, imagine one cow to feed a city, one egg making an omelette for an entire whole family. Yeah, I mean with the advances we're making, the future is limitless.
Victor: So is his mouth. Doesn't he ever shut up?
Coach: Who?
Victor: Gabby, the wonder boob.
Cliff: Is that humorous appellation supposed to refer to me there, friend?
Victor: Yeah. Do you realize your lips have been flapping for over an hour? Give it a rest, pal, and give us a break.
Cliff: Ah, doesn't seem fair now, Norm, does it?
Norm: What?
Cliff: That I have so much knowledge and there are people in the world who have to go to bed stupid every night.
Victor: Watch your step, pal.

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Quote from Diane

Coach: Sam, have you filled in your football pool yet? I gotta pick up the slips in half an hour.
Sam: I'm working on it, Coach.
Diane: I'm almost done with mine.
Coach: Good girl, Diane.
Sam: Yours? Why do you even bother to fill one out? I mean, you don't even like football.
Diane: Well, I don't dislike it. Believe it or not, Sam, I was on the pep squad when I was in high school. Some of my most stirring memories are of cheering for whomever it was to do whatever they were supposed to do to whomever they were supposed to do it.
Sam: Oh, spirit like that can really fire a team up, huh?

Quote from Diane

Sam: Okay, right now, top of the page, you have Bears against the Dolphins. Now. We have a home field advantage which means you've got to be...
Diane: Bears.
Sam: Bears, just like that?
Diane: Well, of course, Sam, a bear against a dolphin? Come on. I mean, that's not even a fair fight. Okay, now what about the Dallas guys against Atlanta?
Sam: All right, all right. Atlanta. Atlanta, uh...
Diane: What color uniforms do they wear?
Sam: Color?
Diane: Yes, the color will tell you the winner. Red beats blue, blue beats yellow, yellow beats mauve.
Sam: Wait. Hey, are you telling me you're going to pick Atlanta over Dallas because of the color of the uniforms? Dallas who up until last week had won six games in a row.
Diane: Who beat them last week?
Sam: Washington.
Diane: And what color was Washington wearing?
Sam: None of your business.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Well, I guess I did carve the guy up a little bit with my rapier wit. Ah, better go and scrape him up off the mat. [to Victor] Hey, listen, friend. We sort of got off on the wrong foot there. Why don't you we just go out, I'll buy you a beer, and we'll talk it over like decent human beings.
Victor: No, thanks. I don't like you.
Norm: How did it go, Cliffie?
Cliff: I don't know, Norm, the guy's taken an inexplicable personal dislike to me. Must be deranged.

Quote from Diane

Sam: Anybody can win every once in a while. Everybody gets lucky. It's the law of averages. That's all.
Diane: Just out of curiosity, when was the last time you won?
Sam: 1974. But I've come close a lot of times since then. A lot of times. It was a decade of upsets.
Sam: All right. Are you interested in winning consistently? Sit down. Watch and learn.
Diane: Oh, my Sammy's putting on his thinking cap. It's a wee, pointy little thing with ear flaps. But on you, it looks roomy.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Uh, Diane, the laws of probability are complex.
Diane: Indeed. Indeed.
Cliff: Ah, Normie, Professors at Heidelberg have done studies to try to predict the recurrence of Albino gerbils...
Victor: Oh, God. It's time for the Mickey Mouth Club again. Buddy, you don't know anything, so why don't you shut up before you prove it?

Quote from Cliff

Norm: Cliffie, where did you get that stuff?
Cliff: Construction site next door, Normie. I want to give you a little demonstration of what might would have happened to that guy if I hadn't kept a hood on my anger.
Coach: Sam, what's he doing with the shoe off?
Sam: Hey, you don't have to do this. Listen, this is nothing to go fooling around with.
Diane: He is not fooling around. He's a black belt.
Cliff: Hold it right there.
Norm: I'm not going to a splinter, am I?
Cliff: Just keep a good grip on that, Normie.
Carla: You know, Cliff, you're really crazy. This thing is solid.
Cliff: Yeah, it's just the way I like them, Carla. Solid.
[Cliff karate kicks the plank of wood in half, and chops the brick in half with his head]
Diane: Bravo! [applause]
Sam: Get that sucker back in here!
Cliff: Now that I've proved my point, goodbye to you all forever.
Alan: Oh, Cliff, Cliff, Cliff. Come on back in here and let us set you up, huh?
Cliff: All right. But I'd like to have a little word with Diane first.
Diane: Oh, all right.
Cliff: Diane, look, I've never taken a karate lesson in my life. Could you get me to a hospital quick?
Diane: Um... Goodnight, everyone. Cliff is, um, going to walk me to my car for my protection.
Cliff: Anybody got a problem with that?
All: No.
[As the gang in the bar inspect the broken wood and brick, Diane carries Cliff up the stairs on her back.]

Quote from Coach

Carla: Hey, Coach, someone just ordered one of your famous Kon Tiki Tikis.
Coach: No kidding, Carla? Gee, I haven't made one of those in a long time. This is gonna be great. [hums]
Carla: Oh, I love watching you make this. It's like watching Beethoven play one of his own tunes.
Coach: Thank you, Carla. ... There you go, Carla.
Carla: Coach, you forgot to blend it.
Coach: Oh, sorry. I haven't made one since last summer.
Carla: I know.
Coach: Here we go.
[Coach puts the whole drink, including the coconut shell and umbrella, into the blender. When he starts it up, the blender begins to smoke]

Quote from Carla

Carla: Cliff, I'm ashamed to know you if you don't go and stand up to that guy.
Cliff: Oh, no, let it ride, Carla, will you?
Carla: What, are you scared?
Cliff: No, I'm not scared. I just don't want to start a fight over a few hasty words, all right?
Carla: Come here. Look. You won't have to fight him. You just have to back him down a notch. Trust me. I've been in a lot of fights and I've seen a lot of fights. And believe me, fighting is the last thing on his mind. You just call him out, stare at him eyeball to eyeball, and watch him crumble.
Norm: Yeah, like two fighters stare each other down before a bout.
Carla: You got it. The name of the game is intimidation. Real men have been doing it for centuries and, believe me, it can work for guys like you, too.

Quote from Cliff

Carla: Don't worry, Cliffo. He knows you're not afraid of him now and he's worried.
Norm: Sure. I wouldn't be surprised if he's turned tail and run by now.
Alan: No, Norm, he's out there right now taking off his shirt. Ooh, nice upper body development.
Cliff: Well, there just comes a time when you've gotta draw the old line.
[As Alan opens the door for him, Cliff instead heads up to the stairs to Melville's]
Norm: Whoa, Cliff, where are you going?
Cliff: Home.
Sam: Cliff, you're going through Melville's?
Cliff: Yeah, Sam, I think it's the duty of every citizen to learn all the emergency entrances and exits in a public places in case of an emergency. Flood, atomic holocaust...
Carla: What a chicken.
Coach: Yeah, but what a citizen.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Poor Sam.
Sam: "Poor Sam", you kidding me? Poor everybody. No win day. Upsets right across the board. Hey, I defy anybody to predict how those games turned out. How did you do?
Diane: Well, I'm afraid I didn't do very well either.
Sam: Oh, yeah?
Diane: I went entirely with cities whose symphonies are led by foreign-born conductors.
Sam: You're kidding, aren't you?
Diane: No.
Sam: Bet you did great with that system.
Diane: Well, not really. I only got eleven.
Sam: Well, the heck you did. You... You got twelve. Twelve out of thirteen.
Diane: You're right, I miscounted.
Sam: And not only that, the one you missed, you missed by a mile here. Hey, hey, there's a new rule around here. All blonde waitresses out of the pool. You don't get to bet on football any more. I'll tell you something, you are destroying the sport of football.
Diane: OK, fine. If it's so important to you. But this makes it impossible to test my theory on state flowers.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: I'm a man of peace. I'm perfectly willing to let bygones be bygones. If, on the other hand, certain of my loud-mouthed brethren were to start trouble, that's their business. Scotch. Norm, did you hear about the studies being done over at Johns Hopkins about the Y chromosome of persistent bar troublemakers? Yeah, they found a striking similarity between that and chronic droolers and idiots.
Victor: OK, that's it. Shut up, friend, and step outside. And this time you're going first so you can't give me the slip.
Cliff: Well, I'd like to, but I think that'd be rather rude to my enormous friend Lewis.

Quote from Cliff

Lewis: What's the problem?
Victor: Wait. I got no quarrel with you, pal. It's this guy here's getting on my nerves.
Lewis: Oh, yeah. And what exactly is it about him that bothers you?
Victor: I don't know. The fact that he comes on as such an authority on everything.
Lewis: Hey. It's a free country.
Victor: I know. I know it's a free country. But it bugs me. I mean, he's got an opinion on every subject. He never shuts up.
Lewis: You know, he does the same thing down at the post office. But nobody ever thinks about beating him up over it.
Victor: Yeah, yeah, I mean his whole attitude rubs me the wrong way.
Lewis: Yeah, I know what you mean. Those kind of guys just do it to you. Who knows why?
Cliff: Well, actually, sociology...
Lewis: Shut up, Clint.
Cliff: It's Cliff. Like another beer?
Lewis: No. I don't think so. I think I'm going home.
Cliff: Hey, let me give you a ride.
Lewis: No. I don't want my neighbors seeing me coming home in a Studebaker.

Quote from Cliff

Sam: What? What's funny?
Diane: Sam, Cliff, very prudently, in my judgment, has refrained from taking advantage of that combative mesomorph with his superior knowledge of karate.
Coach: Right.
Sam: Karate? Cliff? [laughs]
Cliff: Et tu, Sammy?

Quote from Diane

Sam: Diane, you don't know the first thing about football. You know that?
Diane: Who won the pool last week?
Sam: I mean, you've never been to a pro game before.
Diane: Who won?
Sam: You don't watch it on television. You haven't even listened to-
Diane: Who won?
Sam: You won, you won, you won, you won! OK? You won.

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