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‘And Coachie Makes Three’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: And Coachie Makes Three

215. And Coachie Makes Three

Aired January 19, 1984

Sam and Diane grow tired of Coach being a third wheel in their relationship.

Quote from Carla

Carla: You know, when I'm in charge of the bar, I know what God feels like.
Norm: How's that?
Carla: It's like I'm in complete control of people's destinies. Yeah, like, I can make their drinks too strong so they get sick. Or I can water them down so they're paying for nothing. Or if I don't like their attitudes, I can spit in it. [chuckles]
Norm: Carla, you're not still upset about that little argument we had the other day?
Carla: You tell me.
[As Cliff returns to the bar for his freshly-poured beer, he shakes hands with another patron. With Cliff's back turned, Norm switches their beers and starts drinking.]
Cliff: Oh, hey, Carla. Listen, I'm sorry about this morning when I called you a sawed-off witch. [Norm spits his beer out]

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Quote from Norm

[As Sam and Diane come down the steps of Cheers, Norm is sitting there reading a newspaper]
Sam: Good morning, Norm.
Norm: Where in the heck have you been? Is my watch fast or something?
Diane: Sorry, Norm. We had kind of a difficult evening. [they enter the bar]
Sam: We finally had to tell Coach we didn't want to see him any more.
Diane: It was terrible. Even worse than we feared.
Sam: We spent half the night arguing about who was to blame. You should have- It's-
[Sam notices that Norm is stood nervously near the door]
Sam: Diane.
Both: Norm!
Diane: Norman.
Norm: Morning, everybody.
Diane: How are you today, Norman?
Norm: Oh, as if you cared.

Quote from Carla

Carla: I got it. I got it here.
Sam: What?
Carla: Make him think you got a bad disease. Get real skinny, and you paint your faces white and pasty. Walk around looking like you're gonna throw up. Uh, you'd better hurry up there. Diane's got a head start.

Quote from Coach

Sam: Ah, Coach. Coach, maybe you can help me out here. I'm shopping around for a new bank. Do you like yours?
Coach: Boy, I love it. Bay Harbor Savings and Loan right down the street.
Sam: Uh-huh. Do you like the tellers there?
Coach: Oh, they're terrific.
Sam: Is there one you think I should talk to? Friendly, nice, cute?
Coach: Uh... Frank.
Carla: Coach, who's the one you're always talking to?
Coach: Oh, do you mean the cute redhead with a nice smile who's always winking at me?
Carla: Yeah.
Coach: That's Frank.

Quote from Coach

Diane: Well, Katherine, didn't you love that meal?
Katherine: It was very nice.
Diane: Well, I'm glad we had Coach along. There's nothing like having an Italian who knows what to order in an Italian restaurant.
Katherine: It was wonderful, Coach. What was that dish called again?
Coach: Spaghetti for four. They've got a better one, though, it's spaghetti for six, but you need more people.

Quote from Coach

Diane: Well, I think banking is fascinating. There are so many facets. So many things I've wondered about.
Coach: Yeah, me too, you know, Diane?
Katherine: Like what?
Coach: Well, like, tellers. You take tellers, they never tell you anything. They always ask questions. And interest, there's nothing interesting about it at all. It's boring. Oh, and then the trust department, they got all the pens chained down to tables. What kind of trust is that?
Katherine: [laughs] Oh, there he goes again. You're just too much.
Coach: [to Diane] A little giddy, but nice.

Quote from Coach

Sam: Who's there?
Coach: [o.s.] Me. Who's there?
Sam: Coach?
Coach: [o.s.] No, I'm Coach.
Sam: What the hell are you doing here, Coach?
Coach: Well, at least we got that straight, Sam.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Diane, please forgive me. I never wanted to get in your way. I'm sorry, honey.
Diane: Thank you for understanding, Coach.
Coach: No, when you live alone, you tend to forget that other people have lives. [exits]
Diane: Are you feeling what I'm feeling?
Sam: Yeah. Poor Coach.
Diane: Well, we have so many hours together, I guess it's kind of selfish not to spend a little time with him.
Sam: You're right. I'll go get him.
Diane: Bet you can catch him on the steps.
Sam: [opens door] Why are you standing there?
Coach: Well, my coat got caught in the door, Sam. I didn't have the heart to bother you again. Good night, Sam.

Quote from Coach

Sam: Coach, Dorothy is the one you like, right?
Coach: Oh, yes, Sam. Dorothy's very nice.
Sam: Excuse me. [exits]
Coach: But not as nice as Julia.
Carla: Sam! [runs after him]
Coach: What am I thinking of? That's the grocery store. At the bank, nobody can beat Sandra.
Diane: Sandra. That's my friend. [runs after them]
Cliff: Well, what is it, Coach?
Coach: Not Sandra, it's Anita.
Cliff: I'll take this. [runs after them]
Coach: Oh, oh, oh.
Norm: What now, wrong girl, Coach?
Coach: No, no, no, Norm. Wrong bank.
[Norm gets up with his beer and heads for the door]

Quote from Coach

Coach: You know something, Sam? I can't get over the fact Diane knew Katherine, my favorite teller at First Fidelity.
Sam: Well, it's a small world, I guess, Coach.
Coach: Yeah, and another thing, she seems to know everybody in every bank I've ever dealt with.
Sam: Well, you know how friendly she is.
Coach: Oh, Diane, how did you and Katherine come to meet?
Diane: The loan desk.
Katherine: At the drop- [overlapping chatter]
Coach: Oh, that's all right, honey. Sometimes I forget things too. Or do l?
Katherine: [laughs] Coach, you tickle me. Are you always this funny?
Coach: Uh, I doubt it.

Quote from Cliff

Norm: Cliffie, don't look now, but there are two chicks at the end of the bar staring at us.
Cliff: You're crazy.
Norm: I'm telling you, they have been staring at us for 20 minutes. Do we look weird or something?
Cliff: You do.
Norm: Why?
Cliff: Cos you're talking out of the side of your mouth.

Quote from Cliff

Norm: I'm telling you, they can't take their eyes off us.
Cliff: Well, there's only one way to be sure, Normie. Just toodle down the end of the bar and see if their eyes follow us.
Norm: So are they looking?
Cliff: Yep. I'd say those supple young petunias definitely want us, Norm.
Norm: So what do we do now?
Cliff: Just take a walk over there.
Norm: I will if you will.
Cliff: On second thoughts, why don't we just play it cool here, for a while?
Norm: We let them come to us.
Cliff: Yeah, those babes are really hot for us.
Coach: Well, that's it, folks. Closing time. Sorry.
Norm: Oh, oh, here they come, moving in for the kill.
Woman #1: Excuse me. My friend and I were wondering if you knew a late-night spot to go to.
Woman #2: Some place a little fun.
Cliff: Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh...
Woman #2: What was that?
Cliff: [whining sound]
Woman #1: These guys are Martians. Come on. They're nerds.
Woman #2: Their loss.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Well, they've gone now, Cliff. You can turn off the charm.
Cliff: Well, you were a real smoothy yourself there, Norm.
Norm: Oh, listen to Cary Grant. That was humiliating.
Cliff: Well, what difference does it make? You know, they weren't that good-looking anyway.
Norm: Absolutely. We almost took the midnight train to Bow-Wow City.
Cliff: You're right. [loudly] Hey, I've seen better legs on a pool table.
Norm: Yeah, maybe you could use that chest for a straightedge.
Cliff: Hey, next time, come back with bag over your head.
Norm: Or a gunny sack. It'll cover more.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Oh, great eats, Diane. Thanks.
Diane: How did you enjoy your rognons de veau aux chanterelles?
Sam: Oh, yes. [chef's kiss] Was that the green stuff?
Diane: No. That was the brown stuff.
Sam: Good. That green stuff kind of repeats on you.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Sam, listen, we almost had the most incredible disaster. Look at this TV guide.
Sam: What? Oh. Thunder Road. Oh.
Both: Mitchum.
Coach: We haven't missed a Mitchum movie together in over 12 years.
Sam: Come on, we don't wanna miss the beginning.
Coach: Oh, Mitchum won't start without us.

Quote from Coach

Diane: Take me, you barbarian.
Coach: Hi, Diane! [Diane screams] Diane, you're gonna miss "Thunder Road".
Sam: What happened here?
Coach: Nothing yet, Sam. They're just going up the road.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Hey, Diane, you all right?
Coach: What is Coach doing here?
Sam: He's watching Thunder Road. We always watch Robert Mitchum movies together.
Diane: Sam, it's a bad time right now.
Sam: I know, honey, but it's kind of a tradition that goes back with us for years. I mean, he's our favorite actor. Never under any circumstances do we miss any of his movies.
Diane: But I came out of the bedroom and I was so embarrassed with how I was dressed. Come in here. I'll show you what I mean. Come on. [Sam momentarily disappears behind Diane's door]
Sam: Coach, scram. Out.

Quote from Diane

Sam: Hi, there. I'm Sam Malone. Maybe you remember me about a month ago before you and I became a threesome.
Diane: Yes, I recognize you now. You shaved off your Pantusso.
Sam: That's it. That's it.

Quote from Coach

Diane: What are we gonna do?
Sam: I'll tell you what we're gonna do. Right now, we're gonna go sit in my office. We're gonna look into each other's eyes, all alone.
Diane: Oh, that sounds so wonderful.
Coach: [emerges from Sam's office] Sam, Diane, where have you been?
Sam: Coach, I'm sorry. I overslept. You know, we were up kind of late last night watching...
Diane: Mothra Versus Godzilla.
Coach: Yeah, boy, was I disappointed in that.

Quote from Norm

Diane: All right. All right. There's only one solution to this problem. We have to tell the Coach to stop hanging around with us.
Norm: Diane's right, Sam. You don't want Coach hanging around, you gotta tell him. That's the honest, ethical approach.
Sam: Maybe you're right.
Norm: Of course, if you want to make it easier on Coach, why don't you just rip out his heart and do a tap-dance on it.

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