Jacob: Okay, alright. Um, yeah, good, uh, energy, but maybe rein it in a tad. Remember, this is about journalistic storytelling, okay? There's no need to argue.
Clarence: This is what podcasts are about. We're just being ourselves.
Raheem: Yeah, I checked out some of those podcasts you were telling us about. It's like listening to school.
Ava: Don't waste your time. Those nerds speak like a bow tie came to life.

Melissa: According to this chart, Janine, my class is way ahead of yours.
Janine: Let me get this straight. Three of your best readers go down with pink eye. And, yet, somehow, your class starts reading more books than everyone?
Melissa: Yeah, 'cause I give one hell of an inspiring speech. You know, we Schemmentis pride ourselves on our art of coercion. [off Janine's look] Motivation.

Melissa: Okay, guys, after re-running the numbers, it appears that Ms. Teagues' class read more books than us. [kids groan] Yeah, no, no. Don't get it twisted. Let's think about it. If you're in Ms. Teagues' class, are you really a winner? [laughter] Alright, don't repeat that. I just wanted to let you chipmunks know how proud I am of you, all the books you read. And when you walk out of this classroom, you keep your heads held high, 'cause, at the end of the day, all that really matters is, everyone's eating pizza.

Jacob: I wanted to be like Sarah Koenig, you know, a graceful hand to hold through gripping stories. And, instead, I tried to force my agenda onto impressionable listeners. I Rogan'd.

Barbara: Melissa, I'm sorry you lost. What do you think Jacob's gonna ask you on that podcast?
Melissa: Oh, I'm not doing that crap.
[Janine does a cartwheel]
Janine: [laughs] See that? I'm like a tall Simone Biles. [exhales deeply] Times like these, I'm reminded of Sir LeVar Burton, who taught us that reading is like a rainbow, and the pot of gold is that I won. [chuckles]

Janine: [gasps] Oh! This week is the Read-A-Thon!
Ava: Sponsored by Dough Nuts Pizza.
Janine: "Dough Nuts for Reading."
Ava: Shut up, Janine.

Barbara: I would never bet against Melissa in a read-off. I have seen her inspire even the most reluctant readers to devour a complete Boxcar Children.
Melissa: Mm-hmm. I'm gonna mop the floor with you, Teagues.
Mr. Johnson: You don't want to do that. It'll just spread the spill around. [chuckles]

Jacob: Gregory!
Gregory: Mm?
Jacob: We got two sign-ups. You ready to, uh, redefine journalistic storytelling?
Janine: Wait. You're doing the podcast club? [Gregory looks to camera]
[aside to camera:]
Gregory: You get paid a little more when you do an extracurricular, and my financial status continues to be a source of tension in my romantic life.

Melissa: [aside to camera] Mya's a great student. Just when it comes to reading... Hey, kids, like adults, all have their strengths and weaknesses. As in, you know, Janine's got lots of weaknesses, and my strength is exploiting them.

Jacob: Clarence, Raheem, it is an honor to embark with you on the inaugural voyage of This Abbott Life. Producer Gregory and I...
Gregory: Mr. Eddie. [looks to camera]
Jacob: We understand that the world needs your stories, and this podcast is going to be a window into the very soul of Abbott. Soft, inviting intros, rhetorical questions dripping with pregnant pauses, the Ira Glass model.
Clarence: What type of pauses?
Raheem: What's an Ira Glass?
Jacob: Ira Glass? The godfather of podcasting, the podfather?
Clarence: Oh, you mean Joe Budden.
Jacob: Well, I-I think he pronounces it Biden, but we will work on diction when the mics are hot.
Clarence: You've never heard of Joe Budden? Here. [indistinct chatter through earbuds] [bleeping]
Jacob: Whoa! Okay. [students both laugh] I'm not sure how Mr. Budden's mother would feel about that podcast.