Jacob: Janine! Did you see the big news?
Janine: Oh, my God. Did the multi-color pushpins come in?
Jacob: No. Well, I mean, yes, that is huge. But, uh, I got two sign-ups for after-school podcast club.
Janine: Oh! Two. Two? Wow! That... That's enough to tango.
Jacob: I cannot wait to get started. I'm picturing This American Life meets Pod Save America with the research of The Daily, the storytelling of The Moth, all while, like, redefining the form, à la Radiolab.
Janine: How many white podcasts do you listen to?
Jacob: Hundreds. I listen at triple speed, though, you know, to fit them all in. Actually, this conversation kind of feels like it's in slow motion. But I am so informed.

Jacob: Anyways, here is something to go off of for Episode 1. But, you know, make it your own. Wherever the story takes you, go there.
Ava: Y'all be careful. That equipment ain't cheap. You think just anybody can start a podcast? Please!
[aside to camera:]
Ava: Oh, you haven't heard of the Coleman Podcast Network? It's a couple of Housewife recaps, Banana Mouth, my screenwriting-advice podcast, Catch These Fade Ins, not to mention my ASMR endeavors. [whispering] But Spotify made me take those down. [ASMR eating noises]

Barbara: You know, if it wasn't for one of Melissa's speeches, I never would have watched The King's Speech.
Melissa: Mm-hmm.
Barbara: But I tell you what. That Colin Powell sure can act. Mm!

Gregory: So, how does this work? The class that reads the most gets a pizza party? And that's what the kids... want?

Janine: Yeah, well, speech or no speech, something is off.
Melissa: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you accusing me of cheating, Teagues?
Janine: Uh, yeah. Only because you brag about cheating all the time. [Melissa scoffs]
Barbara: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Now, now, Melissa does cheat from time to time.
Melissa: Yeah, my first boyfriend. My... My second boyfriend. Keto diet 'cause I ain't giving up carbs.
Barbara: But she would never cheat on an actual competition.
Melissa: Yeah. What am I, the USC athletic director? Okay, fine. You know what? I'm gonna go right now and check my readers' reports just to make sure we're on the level, alright?

Janine: Look, listen, all I'm saying is, I just want things to be fair.
Melissa: And I bet when you watch sports, you root for the refs.
Janine: I do.
Barbara: You do?
Janine: Yeah.
Barbara: Mm-hmm.

Ava: What happened to your little podcast club?
Jacob: Oh. [sighs] Kids decided they didn't want to do it anymore.
Ava: Yeah, I don't blame them. I almost fell asleep listening to the first episode. And I was driving. Your podcast could have killed me.

Jacob: I just wanted to give the kids something new and exciting to do, you know?
Ava: New and exciting for them or for you? 'Cause it sounds like you were trying to force them to do something that you want to do. [mockingly] You're a bad teacher.
Jacob: Oh, my God. I've had this exact nightmare before.
Ava: Yeah, people tell me that a lot. I call it "Ava vu." Now get out of here. There's a new episode of Below Deck that I got to review for my podcast, Small Deck Energy.

Barbara: Funny how social skills just atrophy when you never use them.
Ava: They're just being weird 'cause they danced at a club during break.
Barbara: Only club I go to is Bible Club.
Ava: Do they play good music there? My favorite club just got shut down 'cause they let a horse in. [Barbara looks to camera]

Ava: It was a Disney Channel grind at best. Grow up.