Melissa: Clear the way! Two-time second-grade Read-A-Thon champion coming through! And this belt's staying with the champ.
Janine: [scoffs] Yeah, well, who wants to wear a big belt anyway?
[Janine covers up the big belt she's wearing]
Janine: Either way, I'll be the one wearing that, because my kids are gonna win because they want to, not me. I believe in losing. It builds character.

Melissa: Yeah, you're gonna need a lot more than one cart of books to beat my kids.
Janine: Yes, I'm well aware of that. This is my third trip back from the library this morning.
Melissa: How are you doing that?
Janine: Well, I didn't want to reveal my secret earlier, but I figured out how to fit two weeks of math lessons into next week, which means this week, my kids can devote their time to reading and beating your class. Behold. Our reading wonderland. Figured if I come for the queen, then I best not miss. [Melissa walks off] Right, kids? Right? And, so, if you think...

Melissa: Alright, listen up, my little eagles... it's game time. I'm gonna need youse reading nonstop, okay? That means if you're at recess, you're reading. On the bus, reading. If you are at gym class, the sit-and-reach is now the sit-and-read. [girl raises her hand] Yes, Felicity?
Felicity: What about when I take a shower?
Melissa: Slide Babar into a Ziploc bag. Now, listen, Ms. Teagues thinks that her class can outread you, but that ain't gonna happen. So what time is it?
Children: Game time!
Melissa: That's right.

Melissa: I'm telling you, Barb, I've never had a class make this much reading progress this fast. We're riding that Magic School Bus straight to victory.
Barbara: I never cared for that Ms. Frizzle. Always wearing those kooky outfits, and that overzealous, can-do attitude.
Janine: You guys talking about the Read-A-Thon? I am killing it. Yeah, my kids are behind a few pages, but not for long. We are winning it to be in it.
Barbara: No, that's not it.

Melissa: I just think it's cute how you're still trying, Janine. You're not gonna catch us. That Wimpy Kid can't crank out diaries fast enough. [chuckles]

Janine: Hope you feel better, kids. Ugh! Your pizza's cooked, Schemmenti. I genuinely do hope your kids feel better, but you're done.
Melissa: You know what, Janine?
Janine: [as Melissa] Oh, oh, oh, oh, you want to talk about pink eyes, Janine? I'm gonna give you a black eye, ya gabortz. [normal voice] Yeah. It was gonna be something like that. Hmm?
[Janine steps forward quickly to intimidate Melissa, before running away as the school bell rings]
Melissa: Mm.

Janine: Oh, hello.
Melissa: How long you been sitting there?
Janine: I'm standing, and a long time.
Melissa: Okay, well, you can just wipe that smirk off your face. I know plenty of people who have counted me out before.
Janine: Mm-hmm.
Melissa: And while I have absolutely no way of confirming this, I'm positive they're all dead.
Janine: I hope not.

Melissa: Alright, what are you thinking?
Janine: Hmm. I don't know. I'm confident I'm winning, but I don't have anything of value or any money.
Melissa: Okay, how about we wager something you can't possibly put a price on... Dignity?
Janine: Oh.
Melissa: Loser has to streak at the Sixers game.
Janine: Yeah. Yep. Mm-hmm. Definitely, I would do that, but, also, um, something else that could be just as bad is, loser has to be a guest on Jacob's podcast. Equally as humiliating.

Jacob: A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk. Stump. Thunk.
Gregory: What are you doing?
Jacob: I'm checking levels. Can you hear me?
Gregory: I really wish I couldn't.

Ava: Don't mind me. I'm just here to make fun of you.
Jacob: Thank you for the honesty.