Dick: All right, settle down, settle down. [students chatter] All right, everybody shut up before I throw you out the freakin' window! So, what are we doing here?
Caryn: Surface tension and liquidity.
Dick: Now, I have a question for you. Where'd you get those shoes?
Caryn: Uh, Pic-and-Pay.
Dick: Oh, I love that place. It's so cool! Has anybody else here been to Pic-and-Pay? It's so awesome.
Leon: Yeah. I got some wool pants there, half off.
Dick: You did?
Leon: Yeah, but they weren't my size, and they didn't have a lining, and... I'm wearing them right now.
Dick: See what I mean? Okay so, uh we got, uh... value and selection. This is what we're looking for here.

Tommy: You're in charge of the bar.
Harry: Yup.
Tommy: You got a lot of responsibility.
Harry: That's right.
Tommy: Doug's not too bright, is he?
Harry: Not particularly, no.

Mary: There you are. Where were you?
Dick: Oh, hey, Albright.
Mary: You were supposed to meet me for lunch!
Dick: I'm having a bad day. You wanna lay off?!
Mary: I was waiting at the Baguette for over an hour.
Dick: Yeah? Well, I was teaching that horrible class, and I couldn't take it, so I went to get some shoes, and I couldn't find anything I liked, [crying]... And then I came back here, and you started yelling at me!
Mary: I'm sorry, Dick, but I was waiting an hour.
Dick: I can't breathe. [sobs]
Mary: Are you okay?
Dick: You don't understand what I'm going through. I mean, just look at these!
Mary: I'm here to help.
Dick: You can't help. Nobody can help. I feel so trapped.

Dick: Hey! What are you doing to my body, you moron? You're gonna get it fat and stretched out!
Sally: Lieutenant, I always eat this way.
Dick: Well, you can't anymore. You're never going to keep a boyfriend.
Sally: Aha! Speaking of boyfriends, I've decided that Don is no gentleman. I think it's time you moved on.
Dick: You better not mess up my relationship with Don.
Sally: Oh, please.
Dick: Oh, you are such a bonehead! After I tried so hard not to blow things with Albright.
Sally: "Tried"? What does that mean? What happened?
Dick: Nothing.
Sally: Tell me, dammit!
Dick: Well, I got bummed out when I couldn't find nice shoes for your big, fat feet! And I may have gotten a little weepy.
Sally: Thank you so much. Now she thinks I'm some hysterical, shoe-loving wussy! You're worried about getting fat? Just watch this.
Dick: You give me that sandwich, you horrible man!

Tommy: Look, you guys have got to get over this! When we landed on Earth, we had no attachment to these bodies, but we adapted. We figured out how to work with them.
Dick: You don't understand, Tommy. I like being the woman. Who cares if you only earn 60 cents on the dollar if you can have skin like that?
Sally: Mary doesn't like your skin. She likes my skin!
Harry: Now you listen to me, Dick-
Dick: I'm Sally!
Harry: I don't give a damn who you are! If you don't start working together, you're gonna lose Don and Mary.

Don: Where are they?
Harry: Right there. Go cuff 'em, Don.
Don: Uh... what for?
Tommy: Well, that guy over there, he keeps ordering drinks. And talking.
Harry: And that other guy keeps laughing at something.
Don: Drinking, talking, laughing in a bar. There's no law against that.
Tommy: Hey, we pay taxes. How long is this gonna go on before the police do something?
Harry: This is typical. Why don't you just go eat another doughnut, Don!

Mary: Sally, I thought I heard you.
Sally: Mary, you look pretty today.
Mary: Oh, thanks. So do you.
Sally: Very pretty.
Mary: Thanks. Uh, look, I tried to call Dick. Is he all right?
Sally: [sighs] That's what I came here to talk to you about, Mary. Uh, please, sit down. Dick is fine. I knew you thought he was having a breakdown, but he wasn't.
Mary: He just seemed so fragile. You know what I mean?
Sally: He's letting you in, Mary. That's his way. Or perhaps it was performance art. That's another perfectly reasonable explanation.
Mary: Yeah. Uh, just- just tell him that he can talk to me. No matter what is bothering him, he can talk to me because I love him.
Sally: [gasps] Oh! Oh, Mary! Say it again.
Mary: No.

Mary: Are you sure your brother's all right?
Dick: All right? Oh, Mary, he's great. And so good-looking, don't you think?
Mary: Well, he does seem to be in better spirits, but he still seems so distant. He doesn't look at me the way he used... to.
Sally: And how did he used to look at you, Mary?
Mary: Kinda like you're looking at me now.

Dick: Well, Dick, we pulled it off.
Sally: To a job well done, Lieutenant.
Dick: Ah. So, how'd you get out of going home with Don?
Sally: I told him I had a headache.
Dick: Oh, that is so cool. I told Albright I had psoriasis.
Sally: You know, if we are doomed to stay in these bodies for a while, I suppose it could be worse. Don is kind of cuddly.
Dick: Mm. And Mary's mutual funds have outperformed the S&P for the last 4 quarters.

Tommy: Well, I learned one thing from those tough guys at the bar. You know how they say you can't judge a book by its cover? It's a big lie.
Harry: Mm, true. That's what the cover's for. Tells you exactly what's in the book.
Tommy: Yeah. From now on, I look at people, make snap judgments, and stick with 'em.
Dick: But it's not true. I just spent two days in Sally's body, and people made all sorts of assumptions based on how I looked. And it was still me inside.
Sally: Yeah. Well, this body took some getting used to at first, but now it feels like home.
Dick: Well, I'm glad to be back in my body. And you know, Sally, I was mad at first, but now I really don't mind the shaved legs.
Sally: You know, I did your butt, too.
Dick: Oh, don't think I didn't notice.