Dick: Come along, Charlotte. As to greatness, I find that some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some thrust their greatness upon others.

Don: Let me lay out the cold, hard facts for you, Tommy. If you're involved in something criminal, there's a 1 in 5 chance you'll be caught. If you're prosecuted, there's a 2% chance you'll be convicted. So don't play with fire.
Tommy: Look, you played by the rules, Don, and what do you got to show for it? Nothin'. Nothin'. Well, that's not going to be me. You understand?
Don: But Tommy-
Tommy: Don't call me Tommy. From now on, I'm the nephew.
Don: Damn!

[Dick's students watch a live stream of Dick on the "Planet Solomon" website:]
Dick: And so you see, that by utilizing a viscous barrier, we minimize bonding between any two substances. Now, you understand friction, and I have a nice omelet. Any questions?
Bug: Um... why are you on a computer?
Dick: My actual presence is no longer necessary in the learning process. This is my new live webcam at www.PlanetSolomon.com. It's on me 24 hours a day. Now, anybody can log on. You can watch me do almost everything. And, uh, for a small fee... everything.

Sally: Okay, you guys. Check it out. Four-head VHS, auto-tracking deliciousness.
Tommy: 525 lines of resolution.
Sally: Ooh, yeah! However, it says here that this VCR only has 250 lines.
Tommy: What are you saying?
Sally: Nothing.
Tommy: A- Are you saying that these colors could be more vibrant?
Alissa: This looks good to me.
Sally: I am saying, Tommy, that if we went digital, we'd get the most out of our bitchin' TV.
Tommy: So it would really be a waste of money not to.
Alissa: This really looks fine.
Sally: It's horrible!
Tommy: Pack it up. This piece of crap's going back.

Dick: Oh, my God, it's so little. I could just sit down and rest it right here on my, uh... Uh, thigh shelf.
Salesman: Uh, now, all you do to clear the screen-
Dick: Uh, that much I know. I have something similar to this at home. [shakes laptop]

Sally: You know that song Macho Man?
Tommy: Mm-hmm.
Sally: He's who they're singing about.
Tommy: So I guess rugged good looks and broad shoulders really do it for you women.
Sally: Oh, please. Lots of guys have that. But Justin- Justin can fix things. He can build things. He's got a belt full of tools. A... A tool belt, if you will.
Tommy: How am I supposed to compete with guys like that? I mean, look at me. My arms are stick-thin. I shave, like, once a month. My ass is flat.
Sally: Sweetie, listen to me. Don't be so hard on yourself, Okay? I mean, I'm sure there are a lot of girls who are more than willing to settle for a tiny, little wussy like you.
Tommy: That helped very little.

Dick: Mary, what happened to your arm?
Mary: Oh, it's nothing. After they wrapped my ribs, the nurse walked me to my car and slammed my shoulder into the door.
Dick: I guess accidents will happen, huh?
Mary: Yeah. [chuckles] She then took me back to the hospital, and they forced it back into its socket, gave me a shot of cortisone.
Dick: Oh, well, I hope that made it feel better.
Mary: Well, no. The cortisone was mismarked. It was minoxidil. But they tell me the excess hair will fall out by beach weather.

Don: If Sally only understood the workings of the criminal element, she'd move back in a heartbeat.
Dick: Criminal element? Exactly how does this criminal element work?
Don: Well, it's the usual story. She comes home tired and forgets to close the blinds. She puts on a teddy and parades in front of the window. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door.
Dick: Is it pizza?
Don: No! It's Dr. Nefarious in a ski mask and a hatchet! She's screaming her head off, but nobody can hear her because of the train passing! Clickety-clack! Clickety-clack! Clickety-clack! Whoo-whooooo! [imitates Psycho stabbing] [screams] Not a pretty picture but it could happen.
Dick: You're right, Don. In fact, I can almost guarantee that it will happen!

Vicki Dubcek: Boy, your brother's got some control issues.
Sally: He's a freak! He won't even let me get my own place.
Mrs. Dubcek: You know, there's a room over the garage I used to rent out.
Sally: What?
Vicki Dubcek: Mama, that place is condemned.
Mrs. Dubcek: Oh, no. It's just asbestos and bad wiring. Nothing a little paint won't fix.

Mary: I'd never been in trouble until he came along. But he has this way of talking, see, when you know he's crazy, but you just can't help but listen to him. And all of a sudden, you find yourself doing things you never thought you'd do. Bad things, stupid things. And where is he now? Free as a bird. While I'm in here taking the fall.
Lorraine: We know how you feel.
Ginger: Yeah. You need a new pimp.
Mary: Pimp? I'm not a hooker. I'm a professor.
Ginger: Hmm. Too bad. You could make a nice living.
Mary: Thank you.