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The House That Dick Built

‘The House That Dick Built’

Season 4, Episode 15 -  Aired February 23, 1999

Dick is outraged when Sally decides she wants to get her own place and Harry considers getting pregnant with Vicki. Meanwhile, Tommy tries to find out whether Alissa considers him her boyfriend as they babysit.

Quote from Mary

Sally: Look, Albright. Dr. Albright, you live by yourself. I could do that, right?
Mary: No comment.
Sally: So you think it's a good idea.
Mary: I refer you to my last response.
Dick: Mary, you can provide a preponderance of evidence that proves what a frightening responsibility living alone is.
Mary: Well, in order to do that, we would have to determine what the meaning of the word "is" is.
Sally: All right, look would you, in a million years, live in an attic with Dick, Tommy, and Harry?
Mary: Well, I really think that's a matter of-
Sally: Answer the question, please.
Mary: I would rather live in a box behind the 7-Eleven.


Quote from Mrs. Dubcek

Vicki Dubcek: Boy, your brother's got some control issues.
Sally: He's a freak! He won't even let me get my own place.
Mrs. Dubcek: You know, there's a room over the garage I used to rent out.
Sally: What?
Vicki Dubcek: Mama, that place is condemned.
Mrs. Dubcek: Oh, no. It's just asbestos and bad wiring. Nothing a little paint won't fix.

Quote from Don

Don: If Sally only understood the workings of the criminal element, she'd move back in a heartbeat.
Dick: Criminal element? Exactly how does this criminal element work?
Don: Well, it's the usual story. She comes home tired and forgets to close the blinds. She puts on a teddy and parades in front of the window. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door.
Dick: Is it pizza?
Don: No! It's Dr. Nefarious in a ski mask and a hatchet! She's screaming her head off, but nobody can hear her because of the train passing! Clickety-clack! Clickety-clack! Clickety-clack! Whoo-whooooo! [imitates Psycho stabbing] [screams] Not a pretty picture but it could happen.
Dick: You're right, Don. In fact, I can almost guarantee that it will happen!

Quote from Vicki Dubcek

[Vicki is haunted by an image of Harry as a baby in a diaper dancing, a la Ally McBeal]
Vicki Dubcek: What do you want from me?!

Quote from Dick

Mary: Promise me you'll stop this.
Dick: All right, I promise.
Mary: Thank you.
Dick: [on the phone] Thank you for holding. I'm with a leading Colombian drug cartel. Yes, and I'm scouting apartments for one of my mules, Sally Solomon.
Mary: Dick!
Dick: Muchas gracias. [hangs up] I've stopped, I've stopped.

Quote from Vicki Dubcek

Vicki Dubcek: Harry, you know what? I've been thinking. If it's a girl, it'll look just like me, and if it's a boy, it'll look just like you.
Harry: What if it looks like something you never seen before?
Vicki Dubcek: Now, you know, that does happen. My sister had a baby that looked just like my boyfriend. It was weird, weird.

Quote from Vicki Dubcek

Vicki Dubcek: Hey, little one, look at you. Oh, yeah. Boy, bet you're gonna be something when you grow up, huh? Postal worker, toll booth operator or maybe even the president... of a fan club. Oh, I envy your parents.

Quote from Dick

Tommy: What are you writing?
Dick: Oh, I'm entering Harry's breach of conduct into the logbook.
Tommy: What'd he do? Never mind.
Dick: Oh, what's happened here? This morning we were all together, and now look at us. Sally's living in a garage, and Harry's with that Vicki. It's those damn Dubceks. Of all the gin joints in all the world, why did we have to move into this one?
Tommy: Well, it was the first place we looked.
Dick: That's true.

Quote from Harry

Vicki Dubcek: Look what I did. I ordered way too much Chinese food. I hope you're hungry.
Harry: I'm always hungry. [growls]
Vicki Dubcek: That's what I like about you, Harry. You're a good eater, yet you got a stomach like a washboard.
Harry: Yup, and a tush like a sink.
Vicki Dubcek: You got good genes, baby. The kind of genes that I would like to pass along to my child.
Harry: Hmm. Yeah. Could you pass the dim sum?
Vicki Dubcek: Harry, you know, I'm not getting any younger, and, lately, my biological clock is just tickin'.
Harry: Yeah. Could you pass me some moo shoo?
Vicki Dubcek: Harry, I wanna have a baby.
Harry: [chokes on his food]

Quote from Dick

Dick: What's with the classified, Sally?
Sally: I'm getting my own apartment.
Dick: Excuse me?
Sally: I've decided I need my own space.
Dick: Oh, no. No, no, no.
Sally: Dick, it's time.
Dick: It's not time. And what's more, it will never be time. Now, I'm gonna leave and come back into the room, and we'll just start this whole day over again. [exits and returns] Good morning, all!
Sally: Hey.
Harry: Morning.
Dick: What's with the classified, Sally?
Sally: I'm getting my own apartment?
Dick: You're what?!

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