Don: Well, I gotta go. See you, Sally. Tommy, Dick, Harry. You know, I- I just noticed that you're Tom, Dick, and Harry.
Harry: So?
Don: So Tom, Dick, and Harry. You know, like "every Tom, Dick, and Harry."
Tommy: Well... that doesn't mean that it's a calculated attempt on our part to seem average.
Harry: Yeah. I mean, we just picked names at random when we got here. [Dick and Sally slap Harry] I mean when we landed. [Dick and Sally slap Harry again] Bye, Don.
Don: Bye.
Tommy: Well, that was close.

Mrs. Dubcek: Wow. I haven't been drugged and tied up like this since Valentine's Day.

Dick: Come along, Charlotte. As to greatness, I find that some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some thrust their greatness upon others.

Sally: Bar? Why do we need a bar?
Mrs. Dubcek: Well, it's a party, you know. You gotta serve drinks, liquor, whatnot.
Sally: Okay. Booze. How much do we get?
Mrs. Dubcek: I always figure three quarters of an ounce of liquor per 10 pounds of guest. Now, for a 200-pound man, you're gonna need about a half a quart of vodka.
Sally: Great. Now I gotta call everybody to ask them how much they weigh.
Mrs. Dubcek: Put me down at 300 pounds. What? I'm big-boned.

Dick: Believe me when I say I know a lot. Some of it I don't dare teach. It's a terrible dilemma. My students are slow, and I am incredibly smart. Shouldn't you be writing this down? It's really good.
Charlotte Everly: I have a confession to make. I'm not a reporter.
Dick: You're not?
Charlotte Everly: Oh, please forgive me. I'm just one of those people who craves being around personal excellence. I guess you could say I'm the intellectual equivalent of a rock 'n' roll groupie.
Dick: Oh... well, that's okay. I've always thought of myself as the intellectual equivalent of Rod Stewart.
Charlotte Everly: So have I. Ever since I read your essay in the university paper.
Dick: My open letter to former transportation secretary Frederico Pena about the benefits of time travel?
Charlotte Everly: That's the one. And I thought, how did this brilliant mind suddenly appear out of nowhere in the middle of Ohio? That's when I knew I had to come and find you.
Dick: You know something, Charlotte? I'm having a surprise birthday party tomorrow night. Why don't you come? And- And buy me something nice.
Charlotte Everly: Well, what do I get for the man who knows everything?
Dick: Cashmere underpants.

Charlotte Everly: Dialing the phone with your nose. A classic alien maneuver. Once I'm done with you, everyone will know the truth. Go on, admit it. You're aliens!
Dick: No!
Charlotte Everly: Oh, well, maybe I'm just wasting my time with you, then. Maybe I'll just go down there to the basement and crack open that big blonde's head.
Dick: Uh- No, no, no! Wait! All right, I admit it. I'm an alien.
Charlotte Everly: I knew it.
Dick: But I'm the only one. The other three are innocent bystanders. Do what you will with me! Which I hope is a severe scolding. But spare them!
Charlotte Everly: I don't think so.
Dick: Why are you doing this? We come in peace! We mean you no harm.
Charlotte Everly: No harm? I'm well aware of what your kind does. Harvesting eggs for your slave race, sucking the life from the innocent, probing the butt of the poor American farmer!
Dick: We never do any of that. Well, there was this one farmer near Akron, you know... but he was asking for it!

Don: Yeah, I just, you know, happened to be in the neighborhood, and, uh, here you go, Dick. Happy birthday!
Dick: For me?
Sally: It's your birthday?
Don: Well, tomorrow. It's May 5, right?
Dick: If that's what I said, that's what it is. May 5.
Don: What year?
Dick: Every year.

Don: Well, I would have dropped by tomorrow, but rumor has it that the, uh, FBI has agents in town looking for somebody. Yeah, they might need old Donnie's help.
Sally: Who are they looking for?
Don: That's classified information.
Tommy: You have no idea, do you?
Don: That's also classified.

Dick: Wait a minute. Weren't you listening to what Don just said?
Tommy: Yeah, about our names being suspicious?
Dick: No, not that.
Sally: About the FBI being in town?
Dick: No, no! About it being my birthday.
Sally: Dick, it's your fake birthday.
Dick: And you're my fake family, and none of you remembered. Wait a minute. You're giving me a surprise party.
Tommy: No, we're not.
Dick: [sing-song] Yes, you are.
Harry: No, we're not.
Dick: Yes, you are. You are throwing me a surprise birthday party tomorrow night. That's an order.
Sally: Wait. Tomorrow?!
Dick: Yes, at 7 P.M. sharp. [gasps] Oh, I'm gonna be so surprised.

Dick: I, uh, have your exams, everyone.
Leon: But you didn't grade these.
Bug: Oh, man, he's not even grading them anymore.
Dick: Well, is there anyone here who thinks they might have passed? [Caryn is the only one to raise her hand] Yeah. All right, then, the important thing is that stapled to each exam is an invitation to my birthday party.
Bug: You're inviting us to your party? I didn't even think you liked us.
Dick: Oh, Bug. I don't. I like presents. Keep in mind, I will be aware of any no-shows.
Caryn: You know, Dr. Solomon, this could be interpreted as blackmail.
Dick: Uh, no, Caryn. It's extortion.