Dick: Nina, scratch the obituary. I don't want to get overexposed.

Dick: Oh, come on. Every Earth family wants to be immortalized on film.
Harry: Yeah, we'd be suspicious if we didn't want to do it.
Dick: Is that what you want, Lieutenant?
Tommy: I didn't realize we were on a suicide mission.
Dick: Why don't we all wear t-shirts that say, "Don't film us, we're aliens."
Tommy: Yeah.
Harry: Wee-ooh, wee-ooh.
Sally: All right, all right. I get your point.

Mary: Okay, everybody, I think we're about ready to start. Now, remember, we are not here.
Sally: Uh... well, where- Where are you?
Mary: Well, we are here but we're not. So just be yourselves. That's what we need. Just pretend these cameras are not here. Just act perfectly naturally.
Tommy: Okay. But it's not natural to act like there aren't cameras here when there are cameras here.
Harry: That's true.
Dick: Uh- I've got an idea. Why don't we notice the cameras and then act surprised?
Mary: No, no, no, no! That's not going to work. Okay. Start. [silence] What's wrong?
Sally: Aren't you going to say "action"?
Mary: Sally, this is a documentary. You don't have to say "action." [silence] Action!

[on Mary's film:]
Mary: [v.o.] The dinner hour at the Solomon's house. A time for eating and a time for revelations.
Tommy: "There is no substitute for hard work."
Dick: Oh. How true is that. Harry, what does yours say?
Harry: Oh. Um "your life is like a kite... somehow."
Dick: Harry, did you eat yours again?
Harry: Yeah. I'm sorry.

[on Mary's film:]
Sally: Hey, you guys, check mine out. Ahem. "You are a gifted leader who will inspire many."
Dick: Sally, I think that one was meant for me. This must be yours.
Sally: "A smile opens many doors," no. I think I'll stick with the one I got, thanks.
Dick: Come on, Sally, it's clearly a mix-up. Hand it over.
Sally: You're not getting my fortune, Dick.
Dick: You are playing with fate. Now give me back my damn fortune, Lieutenant!
Harry: Dick?
Dick: What?
Sally: Lieutenant. That's, uh... It's a nickname. Our Dad used to call me that.
Tommy: Right. 'Cause he was in the Navy.
Harry: Yeah. That's why we moved around so much.

[on Mary's film:]
Mary: [v.o.] Dick, you never told me about that.
Dick: Well, it was top secret.
Tommy: We actually, uh, lived in a submarine for two years.
Harry: Yeah. A yellow one.
Sally: Dad's a great guy. You'll really like him.
Mary: [v.o.] Dick, you always said your father was dead.
Dick: She meant, you'll like his corpse. Fa- Family meeting.

[on Mary's film:]
Sally: I told you this was a bad idea.
Dick: Calm down. I think we're still coming off quite nicely, me especially.
Harry: Yeah. You're looking good.
Sally: Well, I am so glad you're pleased with yourself, but I, for one, do not want to be exposed.
Mary: [v.o.] Exposed as what?
Dick: Exposed? Sally didn't say "exposed."
Mary: We have it on film, Dick.
Dick: Well, it- It's just that, uh, Sally doesn't want to be exposed for what she really is. Which is, uh... uh... a lesbian.

[on Mary's film:]
Mary: [v.o.] Then what is it, Sally? What are you afraid of being exposed as?
Sally: ...A lesbian.
Dick: And we're so proud of her. Well, onwards and upwards.
Sally: Thanks, Dick. Thanks a heap.
Tommy: Can I be there when Don finds out?
Sally: Only if I can be there when Alissa finds out your little secret.
Tommy: What?
Sally: Bed wetter.
Tommy: Excuse me?
Sally: I'm just trying to tell the truth here.

[on Mary's film:]
Dick: Well, that's our two secrets. Every family has two, and you've got ours.
Tommy: Well, if I do wet my bed, it's only because I'm afraid of you.
Dick: Afraid of me? Why would you be afraid of me?
Tommy: Don't hit me! Sally, protect me, please!
Dick: How dare you accuse me of that, you little runt!
Sally: There. You see why I prefer women?
Dick: Sorry. Mary, we made a mess of your film. Obviously, all this is unusable. I know how important this is to you. But how about I go out and buy you a nice lunch? You're still filming, aren't you? Well, all right. It's fine. It's no problem. Because, uh... we are an ideal family. Please stop.

[on Mary's film:]
Mary: The next morning found the Solomons in an outwardly jovial mood, but it was clear the revelations of the night before had taken its toll.
Tommy: Here, Sally. I got you this book. It's called Ohio's Best Lesbian Hikes.
Sally: Aw, thanks, Tommy. Now I can walk and kiss women at the same time.
Dick: Well, good.
Sally: You know, Tommy... [clears throat] I'm hittin' the mall this afternoon to pick up some sensible shoes. How are you fixed for fresh, dry bedding?
Tommy: I'm doing just fine, but thanks anyway, Butch.
Dick: Is that any way for an ideal family to behave? I don't think so.
Tommy: Don't you hit me!
Dick: I am not hitting you.
Tommy: It hurts me on the inside, every time!