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The Loud Solomon Family: A Dickumentary

‘The Loud Solomon Family: A Dickumentary’

Season 5, Episode 9 - Aired January 11, 2000

Dick agrees to let Mary film a documentary about the Solomons.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Remember that article I wrote last year, "Where's mommy?", dissecting the post-nuclear American family?
Dick: Oh, yes. About that tyrannical blowhard and his ridiculous relatives.
Mary: Uh-huh. Honey... that was about you.
Dick: You mean I'm Dirk Sullivan?
Mary: Yes. I've been observing your family for the past 4 years.
Dick: You've what?!
Mary: And the Fleischman foundation has given me a grant to make a documentary on the typical American family. Your family.
Dick: Finally, the recognition I deserve! We'll be glorified as the ideal American family.
Mary: Not ideal so much as typical.


Quote from Harry

Harry: [on film] Yeah. There was a time in my life when I considered being the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. But in a situation like that, you really have to ask yourself, "Have I been offered this job?"

Quote from Mrs. Dubcek

[on Mary's film:]
Mrs. Dubcek: The Solomons are lovely people. Very nice. They're clean. They never complain, and, as for the noise, well, I think they've gotten used to it.
Mary: [v.o.] How do you think they function without a traditional mother figure?
Mrs. Dubcek: You said you were going to let me tap dance. When do I get to tap dance?

Quote from Sally

Sally: [on film] Um, me and Don... Oh, that's my boyfriend. Don. That's my boyfriend. Um, we've been through a lot together. Uh... I lost my virginity. That was big. Um, then I moved out on my own. And then I moved back in. So basically, I'm a non-virgin who's moved twice. That's not bad.

Quote from Nina

[on Mary's film:]
Nina: I'm not surprised Harry has a drinking problem. Being around Dr. Solomon messes people up in the head. You should know. You're sleeping with him. I bet you don't have the guts to put that in your film.
[to camera, on film:]
Mary: Yes, I do have the guts.

Quote from Dick

Dick: [on film] We're just an average family. I suppose, to the outsider, we might seem a little unorthodox, but what does this "outsider" know anyway? Who is he to judge us? Screw him.

Quote from Nina

Dick: Why do these people insist on putting their biographies in the paper? Like they're so great. "Beloved" this and "devoted" that.
Nina: Dr. Solomon, those are the obituaries.
Dick: Well, I want one about me.
Nina: Hopefully soon.

Quote from Mary

Mary: [on film] Just thirty years ago, the traditional two-parent nuclear family was the norm. But in our increasingly fragmented 500-channel world, all that has changed. To quote myself in an article I wrote that inspired this film, "Where has that norm gone, and will we ever get it back?"

Quote from Tommy

Tommy: [on film] Uh, well, this is my room. Uh, let's see. At night sometimes, the moon cuts through the Mullers' tree over there and makes some real weird shadows in here. Sometimes when it's windy, you can hear scratchy noises out at the window, um... Dick and Sally say that it's just branches, but... Man, sometimes it sounds like a dead guy's fingers.

Quote from Sally

Tommy: This is bad. It's very, very bad.
Sally: Okay. I say we start a fire, pull the fire alarm, and then the whole audience will clear out.
Harry: Well, why don't we just pull the fire alarm?
Sally: Without a fire? That's illegal. You want me to get in trouble or somethin'?

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