[on film:]
Harry: Hey, Albright! Who do I have to sleep with to get some face time around here?
[to camera, on film:]
Harry: Well, sure. I don't have a glamorous problem like Tommy or Sally, but, you know, it's a burden being the perfect one in the family. Would you like to know how I handle it?
Mary: [v.o.] Tell us, Harry.
Harry: I got me a little drinkin' problem. Yeah, that's right. Perfect, happy little Harry. Well, maybe he's not so perfect after all, huh? Oh, wait a minute. Now you're going to hound me with your cameras, aren't you? Well, whatever.
Mary: In retrospect, Harry's problem should have been obvious all the telltale signs were there: forgetfulness, moodiness, lack of coordination. It was hard to watch.

[on Mary's film:]
Dick: Sally's not yet comfortable with her own sexuality, but that will come in time. There's just so much a brother can do.
Mary: [v.o.] But what about Harry?
Dick: Oh, Harry's straight as an arrow. He's just not very bright.
Mary: [v.o.] I'm talking about his drinking problem.
Dick: What? Harry doesn't have a drinking problem.
Mary: [v.o.] Yes, he does, Dick.
Dick: I never authorized any drinking problem.

[on Mary's film:]
Mary: [v.o.] Sally, have you told him?
Sally: Of course I've told him. Now let's get-
Don: Told me what?
Dick: Harry! Sally, why aren't you in the shower?
Sally: Oh, great. Look, Don, um... you and I have something in common.
Don: What?
Sally: We both like the ladies.
Don: Of course we both like- Huh?
Sally: I am a gay woman.
Don: You're kidding me. She's kidding me. Is she kidding me? She's kidding me, right?
Dick: Sally, you're going back into that house!
Sally: Ow! You're the reason I'm gay!
Don: Is this Candid Camera? No, this isn't Candid Camera. I can see the freakin' camera!

[on film:]
Tommy: Alissa, please, give me a break. That is nothing.
Alissa: Nothing? If people at school see this, I will be so embarrassed.
Tommy: [mimicking] I will be so embarrassed. You think you'll be embarrassed, wait till the whole school finds out I'm a bed wetter.
Alissa: Huh? Oh, my God. I- I didn't know.
Tommy: Well, now you know.
Alissa: I'm so sorry.
Tommy: Look, I don't want your pity, Rudolph.
Alissa: At least Rudolph doesn't have to wear diapers.
Tommy: They're pull-ups! Call them what they are!

[on Mary's film:]
Dick: Come on.
Harry: But I don't want to.
Dick: Harry, say it.
Harry: My name is Harry, and I'm an alcoholic.
Woman: Okay, this is triple "A."
Harry: I'm thirsty.

[on Mary's film:]
Dick: So the big man likes to drink, is that it?
Harry: Yeah, that's right.
Dick: So let me pour you a drink. You're gonna drink this whole bottle of booze. And then you're gonna drink another and another... until you are so sick that you're never gonna want to look at a bottle of booze again.
Harry: Can I have a lime?
Tommy: What are you doing?
Dick: I'm saving your brother's life. Because I love him.
Tommy: Oh, great plan, Dick. How you gonna help me, make me sleep on an electric blanket?

[on Mary's film:]
Tommy: You want some secrets, Albright? Hmm? You want the big, fat family secret?
Dick: Tommy? What are you doing?
Tommy: Dick's not even my real father. Come on, Aunt Sally, Uncle Harry.
Sally: The lesbian has left the building.
Dick: I think they just... Occasionally, we have a little, uh... It's healthy for an ideal family to... This movie is over!
Mary: [to camera] Sometimes a film captures the truth. Sometimes a film creates its own truth. I'm Dr. Mary Albright. Ph.D.

Alissa: Tommy. You were so dark and troubled and screwed up. I am so lucky. [hugs Tommy]
Tommy: Ha. Oh, that's great. Hey, you wanna get some punch?
Alissa: Um... it's a little close to bedtime, isn't it?

Dick: Mary, what say we go back to your place and make a little film of our own?
Mary: Are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?
Dick: Oh, yeah. A movie about me without the rest of the family. I was thinking "A Day in the Life." You follow me to the office... Don't film Nina.

Sally: Dick, are you sure about this movie thing?
Dick: Well, of course. They totally buy us as a human family. This is incredible validation of our mission.
Sally: Look, it's bad enough that Albright's been studying us for four years. Now she wants to film us? I don't like it.
Harry: Well, why not?
Sally: [whispers] We could be exposed as aliens.
Dick: Maybe a few years ago when we were complete weirdos, but look at us now, Lieutenant. We are an ideal family. We're perfect for this. And what's more, we get a professionally produced record of our mission out of it.
Harry: Yeah, like a wedding video.