Harry: I got a lot on my mind, Dick. I'm thinking about having a baby with Vicki.
Dick: You're what?!
Harry: Do you think that Lamaze is the way to go?
Sally: I would say drugs.
Dick: Are you insane? What will you do when the doctor says, "Congratulations. It's an 8-pound purple tube"?
Harry: Yeah, that would be sticky.

Dick: What is happening to this unit? We used to stick together. Now you're all going off in your own directions. What about you, Tommy? Are you running away to join the circus?
Tommy: No. I'm just going baby-sitting with Alissa, my girlfriend.
Harry: Keep dreamin'. [Tommy lunges at Harry]
Dick: Now stop this right now! I am issuing a command decision. No one on this mission will be doing any impregnating, relocating, or baby-sitting without my express written consent! Now, let's just try to start this day right, shall we? [exits and returns] Good morning, all!
Sally: Good morning, jerk.
Harry: Creep!
Tommy: Jackass!
Dick: That's better.

Dick: [on the phone] Uh, hello. I see you have an apartment for rent. Great. Now, a Sally Solomon may be by today to look at it. Please, don't hold the fact that she is a convicted arsonist against her. Who am I? I'm one of her drunken and unruly roommates. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, thank you. Bye-bye. [hangs up]
Mary: What are you doing?
Dick: Clipping Sally's wings, thank you very much.
Nina: Sally's looking for her own place, so he's trashing her name to every apartment manager in town.
Dick: Condos, too.

Sally: It'll just take a second. Please, just sit down. Thank you. Look, I have gotten to the point in my life where I feel I don't have to live with my family anymore, and I'd really like your opinion on that.
Dick: Mary, tell her she's wrong.
Mary: Sally, no. Every time I give you advice, it blows up in my face.
Sally: What? Name one time.
Mary: I can name five!
Nina: I can name seven.
Sally: Oh, I can name ten.
Dick: I can name twelve.
Mary: I don't care!

Sally: Oh, wow! I cannot believe this place.
Mrs. Dubcek: Now, there's no kitchen.
Sally: Which means no dishes, huh? Oh, my God, look at that.
Mrs. Dubcek: Yeah, I know. Rat droppings. I'm sorry.
Sally: No, a window. You didn't tell me there'd be a window. What a great place to put a hole. Okay, Dubie, how much are you charging for this place?
Mrs. Dubcek: Mmm... $75 a month.
Sally: Are you serious?
Mrs. Dubcek: Okay, 60.
Sally: I'll take it!
Mrs. Dubcek: I prefer cash.
Sally: Hey, what say we tack this onto Dick's bill?
Mrs. Dubcek: Oh, well, sure. In that case, it's 75.

Alissa: They're back already? Let's see who's at the door. [looks through the peep hole] Oh, my God! It's a couple of scary weirdos.
Tommy: Yeah. That's my uncle and his girlfriend. [opens door]
Vicki Dubcek: Hello. We understand there's a baby on the premises. And there he is! Oh! Oh! Woojie, woojie, woojie, woojie! Cute thing. Take him.
Harry: What?
Vicki Dubcek: You'll like him. You'll see.
Harry: Are you sure?
Vicki Dubcek: You'll like it. [to Alissa] Ah, hiya, hon. So... you two kids thinking of having kids?

Don: Come on, Dick. It's all-you-can-eat.
Dick: No, I'm not hungry. You can eat the rest of what I can eat.
Don: Come on, cheer up, Dick. Sally wants her own space? Let her have it. You gotta roll with the punches. Look at me. I've moved on. Sally gave me the old heave-ho, and here I am, about to put this place out of business!
Dick: I can't. I have to figure out a way to get her to come back.
Don: I know. You're concerned for her safety.
Dick: Oh, that's a laugh.
Don: Look, Sally may be a tough cookie, but in a lot of ways, she's naive, and that makes her vulnerable. Easy pickin's for any rat-bastard psycho with a good haircut!
Dick: Still have feelings for her, eh, Don?
Don: Maybe. More shrimp here, Johnny!

Harry: [to the baby] So, um, you ever been to Vegas? Lookin' forward to the new Star Wars movie? Nothin'!
Vicki Dubcek: Well, Harry, you can't just talk to him while he sits there. You gotta, you gotta pick him up and play with him, see? Go ahead. You'll feel it.
Harry: Well, I don't feel it, but I sure smell it. And now I feel it.

Dick: Lieutenant, we belong together. You can't leave the unit.
Sally: I am not leaving the unit. I just need my own space. I want the hair in the sink to be mine.
Dick: Yeah, but you won't be under my roof.
Sally: I'm not that far away. Look, when I open my door, I can see right into Tommy's bedroom.
Dick: You can? Oh, my God. He has no privacy at all.
Sally: I'm gonna be okay, Dick. I've learned a lot.
Dick: Well, you've had a good teacher. I guess I better go deal with Harry now.
Sally: High Commander, proceed with care and discipline. [salutes]
Dick: Your counsel has been acknowledged. [salutes]

Dick: Harry, stop it this instant!
Harry: Dick, didn't you ever learn to knock?
Dick: I'm warning you, Harry, if you continue with this foolhardy escapade and implant this empty receptacle with your cosmic seed, you will no longer enjoy the protection of our unit.
Vicki Dubcek: Are you saying I'm not good enough for your family?
Dick: No. Although you're not. Harry knows what I mean. So what's your decision?
Harry: Dick, would you please hold William for a second? Vicki... let's make a baby!