Dick: You know, every night before I go to sleep, I look at myself in the mirror, sometimes for hours, and I commend myself for how well I've kept this unit together. But tonight I see only failure. I'm a bad High Commander.
Tommy: Oh, you're an excellent High Commander. It's a very difficult planet. You know, humans grow. It makes other humans hurt. It's Earth. You know, what are you gonna do?
Dick: How do you know so much?
Tommy: Dick, I'm the oldest. When you get to be my age, you just know things. Are you gonna be okay?
Dick: [whimpers] Mm-hmm.
Tommy: Oh, come here, little buddy. Come on. It's okay. [Dick sits on Tommy's lap] It's all right.
Alissa: Tommy?
Tommy: Alissa.
Alissa: You left your bag at the Wheelers'. Uh... I'm just gonna leave this and you alone with dad and whatever the hell it is you're doing.
Tommy: Get off my lap! Alissa, look, he's not really my dad! He's just some guy I'm living with! No, no, no! Alissa!

Dick: Time passes so quickly here. You're put on this planet, you assume a life, your little subordinates need you and are always underfoot, all ass and elbows. Then one day, they leave, and you're sitting alone worrying and wondering how they're doing.
Tommy: Well, I'll find out. [shouts down] Hey, Harry, how you doin'?
Harry: [o.s.] Outstanding!
Dick: [shouts across] Sally, how are you?
Sally: [o.s.] Aw, shut up!
Dick: It feels so good when they call.

Harry: Since when is Alissa your "girlfriend"?
Tommy: What do you mean, man? We hang out at school together. We bought a pizza together. My girlfriend.
Harry: If you say so.
Tommy: Look, she just invited me over to go baby-sitting with her. Wouldn't you say that qualifies as a boyfriend thing?
Harry: Not in the circles I run in, no.
Tommy: Well, you're super-wrong, because Alissa just happens to be my girlfriend.
Harry: That's right. Say it enough, and you might just start believin' it.
Tommy: I hate you!

Mary: Dick, people grow. You can't hold on forever. When I went to prep school, my father wouldn't let go. He visited me every weekend. He was also having an affair with the school nurse. But the point is it drove me crazy, and it just pushed me farther away. You're doing the same thing.
Dick: Mary, you can't compare me to your morally bankrupt father. My family is different.
Nina: Very different.

Tommy: So, uh, couldn't help but notice that, um, you introduced me as "Tommy."
Alissa: Uh, yeah.
Tommy: Just "Tommy"?
Alissa: Uh-huh.
Tommy: Interesting.
Alissa: Would you prefer, like, "the T-man"?
Tommy: Well, I just- You know, I don't want the Wheelers to be worrying all night about who I am. You know, "Is he her brother Tommy? "Her lab partner Tommy? "Her dance instructor Tommy? Her boyfriend Tommy? Her dance instructor Tommy?"
Alissa: Dance instructor?
Tommy: Yeah. I dabble in jazz fusion. It's just an example. Let's watch TV.

Nina: Good night. I'll see you Monday.
Mary: Good night.
Sally: [enters] Dick, what the hell did you do?
Nina: Or I might just stay and watch.

Vicki Dubcek: Aren't babies cute, Harry? Oh, look, there's me! I had just learned to walk.
Harry: And you're in a beauty pageant!
Vicki Dubcek: I was "Little Miss Bowl-a-Rama."

Vicki Dubcek: So... you want me to go buy y'all some wine?
Alissa: No, that's okay.
Vicki Dubcek: They probably got plenty around here.

Vicki Dubcek: Now, listen, y'all just go on and go out for ice cream. We'll hold the fort down here, okay?
Alissa: Are you sure?
Vicki Dubcek: Go on. Go on. Have fun with your boyfriend.
Alissa: Okay.
Tommy: Wait. Did you hear what she just said?
Alissa: Look, William's got a load in his diaper, and if she wants to deal with it, that's fine with me.
Tommy: No, no, no. Before, before. She specifically referred to me as your, um... you know...
Alissa: Boyfriend?
Tommy: Mm-hmm.
Alissa: So?
Tommy: So nothing. That's great. Let's go. [to Harry] In your face, man!

Dick: Lieutenant! Lieutenant!
Sally: What?
Dick: It's me!
Sally: I know!
Dick: Stop choking me! That's an order.
Sally: Jesus, Dick. What the hell are you thinking?
Dick: I came here to show you how vulnerable you are living alone.
Sally: And did you?
Dick: Yes! Except for the vulnerable part.