Sally: Look, Albright. Dr. Albright, you live by yourself. I could do that, right?
Mary: No comment.
Sally: So you think it's a good idea.
Mary: I refer you to my last response.
Dick: Mary, you can provide a preponderance of evidence that proves what a frightening responsibility living alone is.
Mary: Well, in order to do that, we would have to determine what the meaning of the word "is" is.
Sally: All right, look would you, in a million years, live in an attic with Dick, Tommy, and Harry?
Mary: Well, I really think that's a matter of-
Sally: Answer the question, please.
Mary: I would rather live in a box behind the 7-Eleven.

Vicki Dubcek: Boy, your brother's got some control issues.
Sally: He's a freak! He won't even let me get my own place.
Mrs. Dubcek: You know, there's a room over the garage I used to rent out.
Sally: What?
Vicki Dubcek: Mama, that place is condemned.
Mrs. Dubcek: Oh, no. It's just asbestos and bad wiring. Nothing a little paint won't fix.

Don: If Sally only understood the workings of the criminal element, she'd move back in a heartbeat.
Dick: Criminal element? Exactly how does this criminal element work?
Don: Well, it's the usual story. She comes home tired and forgets to close the blinds. She puts on a teddy and parades in front of the window. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door.
Dick: Is it pizza?
Don: No! It's Dr. Nefarious in a ski mask and a hatchet! She's screaming her head off, but nobody can hear her because of the train passing! Clickety-clack! Clickety-clack! Clickety-clack! Whoo-whooooo! [imitates Psycho stabbing] [screams] Not a pretty picture but it could happen.
Dick: You're right, Don. In fact, I can almost guarantee that it will happen!

[Vicki is haunted by an image of Harry as a baby in a diaper dancing, a la Ally McBeal]
Vicki Dubcek: What do you want from me?!

Mary: Promise me you'll stop this.
Dick: All right, I promise.
Mary: Thank you.
Dick: [on the phone] Thank you for holding. I'm with a leading Colombian drug cartel. Yes, and I'm scouting apartments for one of my mules, Sally Solomon.
Mary: Dick!
Dick: Muchas gracias. [hangs up] I've stopped, I've stopped.

Vicki Dubcek: Harry, you know what? I've been thinking. If it's a girl, it'll look just like me, and if it's a boy, it'll look just like you.
Harry: What if it looks like something you never seen before?
Vicki Dubcek: Now, you know, that does happen. My sister had a baby that looked just like my boyfriend. It was weird, weird.

Vicki Dubcek: Hey, little one, look at you. Oh, yeah. Boy, bet you're gonna be something when you grow up, huh? Postal worker, toll booth operator or maybe even the president... of a fan club. Oh, I envy your parents.

Tommy: What are you writing?
Dick: Oh, I'm entering Harry's breach of conduct into the logbook.
Tommy: What'd he do? Never mind.
Dick: Oh, what's happened here? This morning we were all together, and now look at us. Sally's living in a garage, and Harry's with that Vicki. It's those damn Dubceks. Of all the gin joints in all the world, why did we have to move into this one?
Tommy: Well, it was the first place we looked.
Dick: That's true.

Vicki Dubcek: Look what I did. I ordered way too much Chinese food. I hope you're hungry.
Harry: I'm always hungry. [growls]
Vicki Dubcek: That's what I like about you, Harry. You're a good eater, yet you got a stomach like a washboard.
Harry: Yup, and a tush like a sink.
Vicki Dubcek: You got good genes, baby. The kind of genes that I would like to pass along to my child.
Harry: Hmm. Yeah. Could you pass the dim sum?
Vicki Dubcek: Harry, you know, I'm not getting any younger, and, lately, my biological clock is just tickin'.
Harry: Yeah. Could you pass me some moo shoo?
Vicki Dubcek: Harry, I wanna have a baby.
Harry: [chokes on his food]

Dick: What's with the classified, Sally?
Sally: I'm getting my own apartment.
Dick: Excuse me?
Sally: I've decided I need my own space.
Dick: Oh, no. No, no, no.
Sally: Dick, it's time.
Dick: It's not time. And what's more, it will never be time. Now, I'm gonna leave and come back into the room, and we'll just start this whole day over again. [exits and returns] Good morning, all!
Sally: Hey.
Harry: Morning.
Dick: What's with the classified, Sally?
Sally: I'm getting my own apartment?
Dick: You're what?!