Mary: I don't have time. It's not that easy to erase the past.
Dick: Well, why would you want to erase the past? Think back, Mary. Don't you remember the romance?
Mary: The fighting?
Dick: The laughter?
Mary: The screaming?
Dick: The endless nights of lovemaking?
Mary: The endless parade of humiliations, interspersed with random acts of insanity!

Dick: Uh, excuse me. I'm looking for something light and understated, yet capable of catapulting me back into the snowy bosom of my true love.
Shop Owner: Ah. Chardonnay beaulieu?
Dick: Uh, no. Mary Albright.
Shop Owner: I'll look around for you.
Dick: Uh, be sure it goes with ham.
Harry: Better check the bottle, Dick. Some of this stuff's over a year old.
Tommy: Oh, Dick, this is so nice. Planning a surprise romantic encounter for someone who hates your guts.
Dick: That's where you're wrong, Tommy. Mary admitted that she still has feelings for me, which is why I must act quickly to regain her love and trust. Excuse me! Do you carry Spanish fly?

Mary: I'll tell you one thing.
Dick: What?
Mary: I made you earn it. That's Mary Albright! I don't just give it away. Anymore.

Mary: [slurs] I remember the first time I saw you. You walked in like cock of the walk. You knew what you wanted, and you took it! Just like a cat takes... What does a cat take?
Dick: Cat food?
Mary: That's it. [laughs]

Dick: You see? It isn't so bad being stuck here with me, is it?
Mary: I guess not. What's that smell?
Dick: Oh, I was afraid we'd get lost, so I left a trail of blue cheese in the vent, and I guess the heater just kicked in.
Mary: Oh! [gagging]
Dick: Champagne?

Dick: Ooh. Look at the studious schoolgirl, all alone up in the rare books room. Well, I'm the big, bad professor, and I'm disappointed in your grades!
Mary: Not now. I'm in a rush.
Dick: I'm just kidding, Mary. Actually, it's me, Dick.
Mary: Uh, Dick, are you here for a reason?
Dick: I'm here because, well, remember how you said that you still had feelings for me?
Mary: Oh, I knew that would come back and bite me in the ass.

Mary: Oh, it's after 7:00. They've turned the elevators off. I'll have to walk down the stairs. Oh, no!
Dick: [panicked] Oh, we're locked in! We could be here all night! All alone! [seductively] Just the two of us! We're locked in. We could be here all night. All alone, just the two of us.
Mary: [screams] No!

Sally: Oh, we're getting ready to console Dick. He's gonna be devastated once Albright gives him the boot.
Harry: Yeah. Poor bastard.
Tommy: Well, he should have been home by now. I mean, I've been rejected by lots of girls. It only takes a minute.
Sally: God, do you think something terrible happened to him?
Harry: Well, she probably just took him back.
Sally: That's what I meant!

Mary: What the hell are you doing?
Dick: I'm looking for a secret passageway out of here. But be ready. We might encounter a Nazi. Or even a mummy!
Mary: Dick, you got us into this. You could at least do something constructive!
Dick: Yeah. All right. All right. [shouts into the stairwell] Hello-oooh! [echo] Hello-oooh! You see?! There are other people here! We're trapped! [Echo] We're trapped! Great! They're trapped, too.

Sally: Spread out. I'll check upstairs.
Harry: I'll check the basement.
Tommy: There is no basement.
Harry: Ah. Then my work is done. I'm on a five, people.