Harry: No, Sally, no. I mean, I have a difficult job too. When- And- I think that you should shut up.
Sally: What is your job exactly?
Harry: I am the sponge. I know many things.
Sally: Like what, oh, great sponge?
Harry: Okay. Like how many bags of trash do our neighbors produce per week. What are Barney's friends names? His real friends. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a marble! You don't know, do you?
Tommy: Well, he's got you there.

Dick: I don't want normal! I want ceaseless joy and never-ending passion like Romeo and Juliet!
Mary: They both wound up dead.
Dick: Antony and Cleopatra.
Mary: Dead.
Dick: That couple from Wuthering Heights.
Mary: Insane and dead.
Dick: F. Scott Fitzgerald and Zelda.
Mary: Drunk, insane and dead.
Dick: Tristan und Isolde.
Mary: Abgeschossen.
Dick: Ah-ha! Siegfried and Roy!
Mary: Okay, one.

Sally: But, um I do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, banking and the killing of all spiders!
Harry: Ha, spiders! Spiders are more afraid of us than we are of them.
Sally: Harry, there's a spider on your neck.
Harry: Get it off! Get it off! Ah, that's very funny.
Sally: See, Harry, you could never handle my job!
Harry: I could do it with my eyes closed.
Tommy: You do everything with your eyes closed.

Dick: Okay, I know this is silly, but do you think Mary would jump in the truck of some rugged, bridge-loving photographer?
Tommy: Aah, probably.
Dick: [chokes] How can you say that?!
Sally: Because your relationship is so boring!
Dick: Boring?! We're passionate, unpredictable. We're wild! Wild, I tell you! Just wild!
Sally: I mean, let's see tonight's Wednesday, you got to her house, you watch Jeopardy, then The Wheel.
Harry: 8:15 delivery from the Bamboo Garden.
Tommy: And two videos: Robert Redford and Pauly Shore. But which to watch first?
All: Hmm.
Dick: Pauly Shore! But not always! Okay, always.

Sally: "Sally, make dinner." "Sally, do the laundry." "Sally, rewrite this international best-seller." You know, there's something about doing this crappy job day in and day out that makes me want to kill myself. [to Harry] And you.

Dick: What is it with this planet? Nothing ever stays fixed. Everything is in a constant state of decay. It's this damn gravity. It brings everything down! Got to get the magic back! But how?! I need some guidance, some mentor. Someone who can teach me the fine art of romance. But who? Who?!
Mrs. Dubcek: [enters] Hi, hi, hi. Do you have anything for rope burns?

Dick: Go to him, Francesca! Get in his truck. Get in his truck and run away with him! Damn! These stupid books never end the way I want them to. Lieutenant.
Sally: Sir.
Dick: Rewrite this book so that Francesca runs off with Robert.
Sally: What?! That's not in my job description.
Dick: But they should be together.

Dick: Mary suppose a rugged, Italian woman with a camera appeared in a pick-up and gave me the old "honk and wave"? I shouldn't jump in her truck and drive off with her, should I?
Mary: Mm-hmm.
Dick: [whimpers] No!
Mary: What?!
Dick: We are boring, aren't we?!
Mary: Well, we might be in a little rut. How about we do something special tonight?
Dick: Okay.
Mary: You come over, we'll watch Jeopardy and The Wheel, and we can order from the Bamboo Garden.
Dick: Yum.

Sally: Give up? Shopping's not as easy as you thought it was, huh?
Harry: Actually, I'm great at it. And check out these values. Skinny bar, fat bar, fat bar, fat bar, skinny bar, fat bar, $1.26.
Sally: You cracked the bar code?
Harry: Yeah.

Sally: Oh, hi guys! Hey, look what I was doing today. Crossword puzzle.
Tommy: Cool. What's a "digfa"?
Sally: Um, apparently it's the capital of France. But, um, and you know that sign on the back of the TV that says "risk of electrical shock. Do not open"? Well, they're not feeding you guys a line of crap.