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Post-Nasal Dick

‘Post-Nasal Dick’

Season 1, Episode 2 -  Aired January 16, 1996

When Mary agrees to let Dick accompany her to a wedding, the Solomons come down with a bug after Tommy kisses a girl at school.

Quote from Tommy

Tommy: Well, at first I was conflicted. We come from very different backgrounds. I'm an alien, and she's a Presbyterian. I have a highly developed mind, and she's got that big, pouty mouth. I tell you, Dick, it was a tough decision.
Sally: What tipped the scales?
Tommy: She let me.
Dick: Well, what happened next?
Tommy: Well, I don't know what came over me, but they were so big and round and beautiful, I just had to touch them.
Dick: And then what?
Tommy: She screamed, "Ow, my eyes!" And that just... basically killed the mood.


Quote from Dick

Dick: "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times." I'm not reading 378 pages if he can't make up his mind in the first sentence.

Quote from Sally

Sally: [sneezes] Wow!
Dick: What was that?
Sally: I don't know, but I want another one. [sneezes] [groans] Oh!
Harry: [sneezes] Ooh!
Sally: Was it as good for you as it was for me? [Harry smiles]

Quote from Sally

Sally: Ugh, my head is throbbing.
Tommy: Me, too.
Harry: Mine's worse.
Sally: And my back is aching.
Tommy: Me, too.
Harry: Mine's killing me.
Sally: My breasts feel like two hot steaming bowls of chili.
Tommy: She wins.

Quote from Nina

Dick: Good morning, Nina. You'll be glad to know I'm feeling much better.
Nina: [congested] I am so happy for you. I'm going home.
Dick: Why?
Nina: Because I'm sick, that's why.
Dick: Really? What a coincidence. You're getting sick just as I'm getting better.
[Nina picks up Dick's telephone receiver and coughs on it]
Nina: Have a nice day.

Quote from Dick

Dick: "The force-carrying particles exchanged between matter particles are said to be virtual particles because, unlike real particles, they cannot be directly detected by a particle detector." The people on this planet will swallow anything. [chuckles]

Quote from Harry

Harry: Ooh, finally. My pictures of The Today Show gang. Ooh, my favorite. Martha Stewart.
Sally: Is it autographed?
Harry: No, but she signed it. She looks good enough to eat. [eats the photograph]

Quote from Mary

Nina: What happened?
Mary: My date for a wedding tomorrow night just canceled at the last minute. His brother came out of the coma.
Dick: A wedding?
Mary: Yeah, a big reception.
Dick: A ritual?
Mary: Very traditional... crying, dancing.
Dick: And the female devours the male immediately after the ceremony?
Mary: No. [chuckles] That's a process that takes years and years.

Quote from Dick

Dick: Nina, are you married?
Nina: No.
Dick: Why not? What are you doing wrong?
Nina: You sound just like my mother.
Dick: That must be very confusing for you. [Nina storms out]

Quote from Dick

Mary: It's not that I don't find you charming in your own way. It's just that you tend to make a vivid impression on people.
Dick: Well, I am the High Commander.
Mary: That's exactly what I'm talking about.
Dick: I promise you I'll be on my best behavior.
Mary: You won't bring any of your family?
Dick: Just me.
Mary: Fine. You can come.
Dick: Excellent! My first wedding! I can't wait! Oh, and be sure to wear something that shows the crack in your breasts.

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