Tommy: Well, at first I was conflicted. We come from very different backgrounds. I'm an alien, and she's a Presbyterian. I have a highly developed mind, and she's got that big, pouty mouth. I tell you, Dick, it was a tough decision.
Sally: What tipped the scales?
Tommy: She let me.
Dick: Well, what happened next?
Tommy: Well, I don't know what came over me, but they were so big and round and beautiful, I just had to touch them.
Dick: And then what?
Tommy: She screamed, "Ow, my eyes!" And that just... basically killed the mood.

Dick: "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times." I'm not reading 378 pages if he can't make up his mind in the first sentence.

Sally: [sneezes] Wow!
Dick: What was that?
Sally: I don't know, but I want another one. [sneezes] [groans] Oh!
Harry: [sneezes] Ooh!
Sally: Was it as good for you as it was for me? [Harry smiles]

Sally: Ugh, my head is throbbing.
Tommy: Me, too.
Harry: Mine's worse.
Sally: And my back is aching.
Tommy: Me, too.
Harry: Mine's killing me.
Sally: My breasts feel like two hot steaming bowls of chili.
Tommy: She wins.

Dick: Good morning, Nina. You'll be glad to know I'm feeling much better.
Nina: [congested] I am so happy for you. I'm going home.
Dick: Why?
Nina: Because I'm sick, that's why.
Dick: Really? What a coincidence. You're getting sick just as I'm getting better.
[Nina picks up Dick's telephone receiver and coughs on it]
Nina: Have a nice day.

Dick: "The force-carrying particles exchanged between matter particles are said to be virtual particles because, unlike real particles, they cannot be directly detected by a particle detector." The people on this planet will swallow anything. [chuckles]

Harry: Ooh, finally. My pictures of The Today Show gang. Ooh, my favorite. Martha Stewart.
Sally: Is it autographed?
Harry: No, but she signed it. She looks good enough to eat. [eats the photograph]

Nina: What happened?
Mary: My date for a wedding tomorrow night just canceled at the last minute. His brother came out of the coma.
Dick: A wedding?
Mary: Yeah, a big reception.
Dick: A ritual?
Mary: Very traditional... crying, dancing.
Dick: And the female devours the male immediately after the ceremony?
Mary: No. [chuckles] That's a process that takes years and years.

Dick: Nina, are you married?
Nina: No.
Dick: Why not? What are you doing wrong?
Nina: You sound just like my mother.
Dick: That must be very confusing for you. [Nina storms out]

Mary: It's not that I don't find you charming in your own way. It's just that you tend to make a vivid impression on people.
Dick: Well, I am the High Commander.
Mary: That's exactly what I'm talking about.
Dick: I promise you I'll be on my best behavior.
Mary: You won't bring any of your family?
Dick: Just me.
Mary: Fine. You can come.
Dick: Excellent! My first wedding! I can't wait! Oh, and be sure to wear something that shows the crack in your breasts.