Dick: Oh, I can see it now, all restored, the majestic image of Admiral Pendelton riding his wife into battle.
Mary: That's his horse.
Dick: Ah. That does make more sense.

Dick: Nina, how did we do?
Nina: Let's see. Subtracting for the caterer, the DJ, and Betty walking off with the wedding gown... we made $104.
Dick: You mean 104 million dollars?
Nina: No. 104 dollars dollars.
Dick: What, that's all? After all that?!
Strudwick: It's a great start, Dick.
Judith: You should be proud.
Dick: Of what?! $104?! That won't buy Admiral Pendelton an arm! That won't even pay to pressure-wash the bird crap off his wife!

Dick: You're the reason they're all being so nice! They're kissing up to me because I'm the Dean's boyfriend, aren't you?!
Strudwick: Oh, pshaw!
Dick: Well, I'm more than that! I have my own identity! I'm Dick Solomon, damn it! And I demand to be condemned for my failures! And this, this wasn't just a failure. This was a towering fiasco! So if any of you respects me as a person, you will stand up, come forward, and ridicule me for the idiot that I am! Do it, damn it! Call me an idiot!
Mary: I think you better call him an idiot.
Strudwick: You're an idiot!
Judith: A colossal idiot!
Dick: Thank you, Judith. Vincent, thank you. And you, Mary, you most of all.
Nina: If you don't, I will.
Mary: Okay, Dick. You're a big, fat, bumbling, oblivious, Pepe-wearing, mega-idiot!
Dick: Oh, thank you, Mary. I love you, too.

Sally: Oh, Don, why do you have to go?
Don: Why, Sally? Because 10 years ago, I took an oath. An oath to protect and serve this city, and nothing - not even the prospect of lying in bed, naked, with the sexiest, most beautiful woman... What the hell am I doing?!

Sally: I gotta figure out what I'm up against here. I'm gonna go buy that Crockpot.
Tommy: We have a Crockpot.
[Sally throws the Crockpot on the floor and then walks out]
Tommy: We just lost one Crockpot and gained one crackpot.
Harry: I see what you did there.

Dick: Now, if you wouldn't mind talking business just for a moment.
Mary: Oh, Dick, can't it wait until Monday?
Dick: Oh, I understand. On Monday, I'm gonna be asking you what the school intends to do about the decaying statue of Admiral Pendelton.
Mary: The one with the missing arm?
Dick: It's an eyesore. What's going to be done? I want an answer, and I want it now! That's what I'll be saying on Monday.
Mary: Dick, the university is in a financial crunch. The biology lab is dissecting road kill. The statue is not a priority.
Dick: Yes, well, I'll be interested in hearing what you think on Monday.

Dick: No, no, no, no, no, no. This is my treat.
Mary: Dick, I'm the dean. That promotion came with a nice raise.
Dick: Well, you're not making any more than me.
Mary: A little more.
Dick: How much more?
Mary: A lot more.
Dick: Really? Well, I don't care. It makes no difference to me. I'm the man at this table, and I insist on paying for dinner.
Mary: Fine.
Dick: Oh! [looks at the bill] Wowsie. Mary, could I borrow $200?
Mary: Dick, this is only $80.
Dick: I know. I also want to buy a Cuisinart.

Mary: Dick, I've been meaning to talk to you about this. Now, you're going to be on my arm at this event, so I want you to look your best. So, here, take my credit card and go out and buy yourself a nice outfit.
Dick: How much can I spend?
Mary: Whatever.
Dick: What if I find a belt that goes with my socks?
Mary: Fine.
Dick: Can I buy a Cuisinart?
Mary: You already bought a Cuisinart.
Dick: Er... somebody put pencils in it.

Sally: [on the phone] Hi. I'm calling on behalf of J.D. Power and associates. How many licensed drivers do you have in your household? Mm-hmm. And how many have dated police officers? Your old roommate did. Okay, can you describe him? "Used to sneak home during the shift." Uh-huh. "Stripped to his underwear." Right. And watch his soap opera? The Bold and the Beautiful? [cover receiver] I am in business!

Sally: I mean, what does this Tina have that I don't?
Harry: Her back is literally covered in pimples.