Dick: I'm done. How do I look?
[Dick removes the hair cap to revealed his freshly-dyed jet black hair]
Sally: Um, Dick, um... Okay, if somebody were helping you with an experiment and things went awry and you became horribly disfigured, you wouldn't hold it against them, now would you?
Dick: Why? What happened?
Sally: Nothing. Destroy all the mirrors now!
Dick: No, no! I've got to see! [holds up a hand mirror] Oh, my God! I'm gorgeous!

Dick: These women, they're all vibrant, healthy, strong, young. They're just like Sally.
Sally: You know, I've been thinking about this. Every time I turn on the TV or open a magazine, I see people like me. All the ads are aimed at me. I am what counts.
Dick: I think you're full of something, Lieutenant.
Sally: No, no, no, no. If I don't watch a TV show, it's canceled. I don't like a soft drink, history. If I don't like a certain feminine product with wings, they'll make one with a propeller. I am the target demographic. Face it, Dick. I'm young, hot and all-powerful.
Harry: You just said yes to you.

[Tommy and Sally are nervously stood in the kitchen looking at a bowl of Jell-O]
Tommy: Now, you say Mrs. Dubcek brought it to us?
Sally: Uh-huh. What do you think it wants?
Tommy: What is it trying to tell us?
Sally: The thing that scares me the most are the little oranges in its stomach.

Dick: There's an important detail that we forgot to attend to. We need birthdays.
Sally: Oh, no, thank you. This guy I saw at a restaurant had a birthday. They set his food on fire and then blew on it.

Mary: Oh, I got you a birthday card.
Dick: Hmm. "Happy birthday. You look like a million dollars." Oh! "Old and wrinkled." What kind of a cruel hoax is this?
Mary: It's a Hallmark card.
Dick: A Hallmark of degradation! The first line lulled me into a false sense of security, then the second line ripped out my heart and slapped me across the face with it, awakening me to harsh reality.
Mary: It's an old joke!
Dick: For an old fool! Well, I want no part of it. I'm leaving, while I still have my dignity. [Dick's leather pants squeak as he walks out]

Tommy: Now they've changed phys ed to health class, and I have to memorize 287 different body parts.
Dick: You have an owner's manual?
Tommy: Well, um, here's a picture of all the different organs in our abdominal cavity. [all groan]
Sally: Oh, my god!
Harry: You know, I read someplace that you can stretch a man's nerve endings from New York to San Francisco, but he would die.

Dick: Ah, it's such a beautiful night. Harry, why don't you come out and look at the stars with us?
Harry: Oh, no, you're not putting me out for the night again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me six times, shame on me.

Dick: "Ezekiel begat Jedidiah. Jedidiah begat Ephraim. Ephraim begat Lemuel." Man, these people begat their brains out.

Nina: I'm updating the office birthday list. When's your birthday?
Dick: Do I have to tell you?
Nina: What, are you pleading the fifth?
Dick: Uh, the fifth sounds fine. This month.
Nina: Ah, that's this Monday. How old will you be?
Dick: Why do I have to tell you a specific number? Are you keeping score?
Nina: Well, if you're going to get sensitive, never mind.
Dick: I just don't see why age is so important.
Nina: I've guess you've got a milestone creeping up on you.
Dick: No. No, that's my underwear.

Dick: Sally, how old are you?
Sally: Well... whatever the perfect age is, I'm it. [chuckles] I mean, maybe I got stuck with being a woman, but at least I'm in my prime. Check out how firm this is, huh? [Dick slaps Sally's abdomen] You know, if I was a guy, I'd be all over me right now.
Harry: If I was a guy, I would be, too.