Sally: What are you babbling about now?
Harry: Oh, it's just something I learned from this self-help tape I bought at the yard sale down the block.
Dick: "Dr. Martin Blaine's path to transformation, 'Say Yes to You'."
Harry: This is going to help me solve my confidence problem.
Sally: Why do you have a confidence problem? What, are you stupid?

Sally: Look, here's a section on virginity and abstinence. I haven't experienced sex yet, so I guess that makes me a virgin.
Dick: Congratulations.
Sally: Thanks. It feels kind of weird, you know. I mean, I'm proud of it, but I'm also a little embarrassed. Is there anything that men have that they're both proud and ashamed of at the same time?
Dick: No.
Harry: Drawing a blank.
Tommy: No, no.

Man: [on tape] Hello, I'm Dr. Martin Blaine. Come join me on a path to personal transformation. Say yes to you.
Harry: Yes.
Man: [on tape] First of all, you should learn to be comfortable talking about yourself. When asked your name, you should say it loud and clear. Let's try this out. What's your name? [Harry goes to talk] That's a great name. What is your primary goal?
Harry: Harry Solomon.

Tommy: Uh, commander, permission to speak freely?
Dick: Permission granted.
Tommy: Humans over 35 cannot have sex.
Dick: No!
Tommy: Give it up. It's over.
Dick: Well, why? They have the same equipment.
Tommy: 'Cause it's gross, that's why.
Dick: Well, how old are you?
Tommy: 14.
Dick: Can you have sex?
Tommy: Well, I'm not supposed to.
Dick: Why not?
Tommy: Apparently, I have my "whole life ahead of me."

Harry: Dick, can I be 70?
Dick: Why?
Harry: Well, that Paul Newman guy is 70, and people are always saying that he looks great.
Dick: Done. You're 70.
Harry: And?
Dick: You look great.

Coach: Now that you boys are going through the road to manhood, I'm sure many of you have noticed certain feelings. [Tommy raises his hand] What is it, Solomon?
Tommy: What kind of feelings?
Coach: You know what kind of feelings.
Tommy: No, I don't.
Coach: You'll know 'em when you get 'em, hmm? Now, they're perfectly normal. For god's sake, don't act on 'em.
Tommy: Uh, sorry, you're losing me.
Coach: You play sports, you focus on your schoolwork, and when you take a shower, you wash your hair and get the hell out of there.
Tommy: Oh, you're talking about sex!
Coach: Yes.
Tommy: Great! Great. Tell me exactly how it's done.
Coach: Well, you're men. And your male and your female, they have these certain parts that are, uh... How do you call, uh? Complementary to each other. These parts come into play and that's how we all were born.
Tommy: Now, I'm sorry, but can we get somebody who's actually had sex to teach this class?

Sally: Hey, if you could change one thing about me, what would it be?
Man: Nothing.
Sally: Bingo. Doesn't get any better than this, huh? Check this out. [lifts shirt] See how this curves in right here, right? Watch this. [pokes abdomen] Upsy-Daisy. Springs back just like a cat.

Dick: Laurie says that men my age should be worshiped and revered, like the Incas. Don't you think that's right?
Mary: Oh, yes. The Incas would take a prominent man, like you, and they would anoint him with oils, adorn him with robes, and then the high priest would cut him up and then ram a stick in his head and parade the head through the village, and the young virgins would throw flowers at him.
Dick: What kind of flowers?

Announcer: [on TV] Welcome back to "The Miss Universe Pageant." And now we continue with our Parade of Nations. Miss Finland.
Harry: Well, they only have contestants from Earth. I think this pageant is fixed.
Dick: These women should be enormous. Miss Universe should have her own gravitational pull.
Tommy: I think I'm feeling it.
Harry: My primary goal is to meet Miss Finland. I will meet Miss Finland. I deserve to meet miss Finland.
Tommy: Whoa! Check out the yabos on Miss Tunisia.
Harry: I deserve those yabos.

Man: [on tape] Congratulations, you have completed your path to personal transformation. Say yes to you.
Harry: Yes.
Man: [on tape] And never forget, when the world gets you down, stay positive.
Harry: I'm almost completely sure that I will.