Michael Scott: I don't need to be friends with Pam. I have plenty of female friends. My mom. Pam's mom. My aunt, although she just blocked me on IM. What's-her-face from Quiznos, I see her four times a week.

Jim: [walks into his office and sees the mallard on his desk] Dwight, you brought the mallard back.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, I had to, I mean... Kelly was not even-
Jim: [speaking into the mallard and looking a Dwight] Hi buddy.
Dwight K. Schrute: [walks into Jim's office and takes out ear piece] I'm sorry.
Jim: A wooden duck?
Dwight K. Schrute: Mallard. I put it in your office in order to surveil you. I was jealous that you got the promotion over me.
Jim: Okay, just to be clear, you're terrible at this. You are not equipped for espionage.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, I'm equipped. I can-
Jim: Silence.
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't tell Michael.
Jim: I won't. But, you will wash and buff our car.
Dwight K. Schrute: Punishment fits the crime, I accept.

[Dwight walks into Jim's office, sits down at the desk and takes a pen out from the pot. He twists the lid and a recording of Jim starts to play]
Jim: "We have our high quality 28 pound bond, our heavier 38 pound bond, or our..."
Dwight K. Schrute: I've got eight hours of this. Of course I wanted Jim to find the mallard, make him feel safe. Did you really think I would put my primary listening device in a wooden mallard? I'm not insane. [plays recording]
Jim: "...65 pound cover stock, which is the heaviest paper that will still feed smoothly through your desktop printer."

Kelly: How was Puerto Rico? Was it so romantic?
Jim: It was.
Pam: It really was.
Jim: Really was.
Kelly: [voice cracks] I'm so happy for you...

Jim: Puerto Rico was awesome.
Pam: Oh my gosh. The honeymoon was great. We met this other couple at the resort, Frank and Benny. We hung out with them a lot.
Jim: [goofy voice] Frank and Beans. [laughs] Always makes her laugh.
Pam: [goofy voice] Frank and Beans!

Meredith: So what'd you bring us?
Pam: Some candy.
Meredith: What else?
Pam: That's it.
Meredith: Oh, 'cause you spent so much on the wedding.

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm sorry to have been bugging you all these years.
Jim: It's a real handsome duck.
Dwight K. Schrute: Mallard. Okay, I'll get out of your hair.

Toby: Hey, Jim.
Jim: Not now, Toby, my God!
Toby: Oh, Jesus!
Michael Scott: Get the hell out of here, idiot.
Toby: What did I do?

Jim: Okay, as far as dinner tonight, cancel that, and please, for both our sakes, never, ever, ever see her again.
Michael Scott: I think you're underestimating Pam. I think more than anything, she wants me to be happy.
Jim: No, not more than anything.
Michael Scott: Okay, I have a good thing with the mom.
Jim: Don't call her "the mom."
Michael Scott: She's right on my way home from work.
Jim: Then take a different way home, man!

Pam: So what'd we decide for Michael, the bottle of rum, or the seashell alarm clock?
Jim: You know what? Can I have the weekend to decide?
Pam: Bottle of rum it is.